The Traveling was Hard

Mirena IUD dangerous? I thought I was dying

2012-01-21T19:51:00.000-08:00

So I had the opportunity to get another Mirena IUD and it was just minutes before the procedure. It turns out mine had been completely ineffective for over 6 months. I knew the hormones ran out last summer, but I just figured it being in there offered some protection. According to the Dr's office it doesn't. I had been through 2 consultations on getting this thing changed and I was sitting there just moments before the procedure, naked from the waste down and I mentioned yet again, all the medical complications I had in the last few years. It dawned on me all of my serious health problems started since I got it inserted.

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Some history:
I had a Mirena IUD inserted about July 2006 after my last baby was born. And the theory is that the hormones in the Mirena will not affect your body as much as taking the pill because the location of it isolates the hormones to only go to the ovaries. I was doing pretty good for awhile until I moved to Mexico 3/2007. When I was in Mexico I developed high blood pressure, and chronic sinus infections (I now know it was blood pressure headaches) and these awful bouts of back pain where I couldn't walk for a week. Other issues I had were not breathing correctly in my sleep where I would wake up in a state of suffocation. My legs would suddenly go freezing but my head would be sweating in 97 degree weather. I had 5 strokes. Kidney stones, a thyroid tumor. A very strange metalic body odor that was tremendously humiliating. And. SEVERE FATIGUE. Gastric reflux. Osteo Arthritis developed. The list goes on and on I literally thought I was dying.

All of that started and continued after I got the IUD. I was 35 when I got it. So this all started at age 36.
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So I was sitting on the table and I mentioned to the Nurse Practitioner, are they certain my health problems were not because of the Mirena. She looked in the medical brochure and asked around then even called the head of the Clinic and the head of the clinic said, no go ahead. But while she was walking around I searched on my New Samsung Galaxy SII which I love (btw) and it said very clearly in warnings - if someone has a history of stroke be cautious to use the Mirena. In the last minute I decided to change to the copper IUD.

Then within 2 days this weird rash I've had on my shoulders, that went away partially when I stopped taking Simvastatin, completely went away. I am definitely going to get hit with a menstrual cycle again which I have not had for a few years, but I think it is good for your uterus to get cleaned out sometimes. I started doing all this research on Mirena... I think it might be responsible for all my major health problems. I'm seeking legal advice.

Some kind of waiver reform is in the works for real this time

2012-01-06T09:08:00.000-08:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/ 01/07/us/path-to-green-card- for-illegal-immigrant-family- members-of-americans.html

Though it seems again like a carrot to the voters of this years election it appears that Obama will put into effect something that will help some US Citizens.

I recommend not reading the comments section.
But do check this out. IT TAKES A MINUTE TO LOAD BUT IT DOES LOAD. It's very funny so please watch. (may not be available outside US)

treating immigrants as people

2012-01-03T12:57:00.000-08:00

This is good but saddening to me because - I think it sucks that this even has to be said. But here is an article that Immigration Impact posted from the Washington Post discussing the 2012 lifestyle section of what is in and out ... on it is treating immigrants as people.

Immigration Impact article :
http://immigrationimpact.com/2012/01/03/washington-post-lists-treating-immigrants-as-people-as-in-for-2012/

Actual Washington Post article - http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving/features/2011/year-in-review/the-list.html

technology overload... the american way?

2011-12-30T14:49:00.000-08:00

3 years ago I was going to the internet cafe in Puerto Vallarta just to check my email. And now, I am in Technology Overload. We now have a laptop computer, desktop computer, with broadband internet and wireless internet. We now as of Xmas have a PS3, and 2 smart phones, 3 external hard drives( 1 tb, 1 500gig, 1 640 gig,) and 3 internal hard drives,( 1 tb, 2 500 gig, )

AND NO DISHWASHER! Oh my god, I'm moving. This just doesn't make any sense.

I think I'm getting a headache from all this technology.

Stardom? where does it come from .....and... I love Queen Latifa

2011-12-23T15:17:00.000-08:00

I was sitting and reading an article in Essence about Queen Latifa. I am not black but I had lots of air miles to use up and magazines were free, and I like to read a variety of stuff. Essence does a little bit of ... "we are different from other women" meaning black women face different issues. I think it is true, after about a year of reading the magazine I think its true. Black women have to fight even harder than white women for the same things. They want to support their men and their men have gotten this track record, very generally speaking here, of not staying with their women. Also black women have had to become tough. I am not certain that a chip on the shoulder is necessary, but again - generally speaking here, I can see how it has come about, its been a rough ride. I mean I've had a hard life too. I was brought up in poverty. I hope to never become that kind of tough that is cold and scary though, that happens to some women whose life has been too hard.

Honestly, I have to say, most of the time I have not wanted for much. Not to say I was not poor, I was very poor, but over all god has always come through. There were a few times in my childhood, teenage years, and when I lived in Mexico I had wants and needs that were not met - like I could not afford soap or food, or utilities. I have become a strong woman also.

I sat and I read about Queen Latifa. She is about 2 years older than me and she still has her parents. Such a lucky women. I've been an orphan since 1999 - technically speaking, since my father died and my mother has been severely mentally ill . I really don't have any family support. Her mother was an Art Teacher and her Father a Police man (a good one). She is really a great example of someone with a solid upbringing, but also with that element of risk that I believe is necessary to open your mind. There has to be some adventure in your life, I believe people should not be too safe, or let fears control them.

According to this article which I recommend. queen latifa that apparently you cannot read without a subscription, her brother was just that element that helped her have the right balance. And her slightly older brother was smart and adventurous. She had a perfect balance of personalities that left her able to absorb necessary components to be very well rounded. I read this well written article about her wondering why I am in the situation I am in. (moment of poor me - as an ophan - god has a plan) and I thought of this issue - I mean there is this quote (and I'm certain I'll mess it up a little) but a star is someone who rises or fights their way to the top. A leader is someone who helps the people around them rise to the top with them.

When I was 17 I had these creative energies and hardhsips brewing in my soul that I wanted to express, I had a burning desire to prove to the people that used to make fun of me that I AM special. One boyfriend told me it was a just a dream and I'd never be anything.

And then... then I got older and I had a few more issues and I systematically worked through all my burning issues and fears and lost that feeling that I wanted to rise to the top. I was content to accept my mission that on any given day as an Executive Assistant, wife, and Mother my personal challenge and mission was to uplift the people around me. Not career-wise or business-wise but on an interpersonal level of empathy and compassion that I saw a friend of mine do, by the name of Rebekah. Now rebekah had this way of intelligently and very aware exude kindness to people of any type. She had an issue with me once because I had a desire to shake things up. I had a desire in about 1997 to be in the face of people who held onto the idea of social restrictions too tightly, and I wanted to splat out obnoxious ideas to them to shake them up. And she thought that this concept was on the side of rude and less kind then was necessary to be a good person. I am not certain where I stand right now on this issue but part of me still wants to be a rock and roll Joan Jett crazy drinking party girl, who breaks boundaries, by proving that a woman can be a good person, live assertively, be a good friend, be honest, be promiscuous, be spiritual, be intelligent and a good business woman all at the same time.

That is what I am fighting for, I suppose I am a feminist of some kind. I still want to break boundaries. My favorite conversation topic is sex. but you know what? I have faith stronger than steel. I have compassion for every person. And My children love me, and my husband loves me, and I love myself. I'm always working on that but I do.

I just want to say that Queen Latifa ROCKS, and she may have had a foundation we do not all receive, but we can all be like her. We must be brave, and we may be fighting adversity. We can all be strong, and we can all be honest, and we can all be kind. Even if everyday you work at a 7/11 or just take care of your children. Our energies are like a pebble that is dropped into a pond, the ripples get bigger as they go out farther. You may just say one nice thing you were thinking but that energy affects a person who then carries it on to the next person, in a pay it forward fashion.

Merry Xmas - we all have something to give even if it doesn't feel like we are making a difference, we are. Whether you are Queen Latifa or a stay at home mom, or a factory worker, or a college student. We do make a difference...EVERY DAY.

Outtie
Puerto Vallarta Girl in Portland

Joe Arpaio gets his immigration power revoked - it is also found his office failed to investigate 400 or more sex crimes involving latino victims. sick man

2011-12-20T14:42:00.000-08:00

Immigration agents to screen Arizona jail inmates
The Homeland Security Department says it will replace Maricopa County officers after revoking Sheriff Joe Arpaio's authority to access agency systems.
The Associated Press, December 20, 2011
http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-arizona-sheriff-20111220,0,7573562.story

The Homeland Security Department will use 50 immigration agents to screen jail inmates in Arizona's most populous county after revoking the sheriff's authority to access its systems, the agency said Monday in a letter to Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.).

The letter from Homeland Security Assistant Secretary Nelson Peacock, obtained by the Associated Press, says the 50 dedicated agents will 'screen, identify, apprehend and remove criminal aliens' found in Maricopa County jails.

The agents will replace county officers who had special training and the authority to perform the task in Sheriff Joe Arpaio's lockups. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano revoked that authority last week after a Justice Department investigation concluded that Arpaio's office engaged in a pattern and practice of civil rights and constitutional violations and discriminated against Latinos.

Arpaio strongly disputed the Justice Department findings and said Monday that the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents won't come close to replacing the 91 officers who had been doing the work. He said agents won't be in the jails and won't deport all illegal immigrants.

'They're going to have people answering telephones and deciding what levels they're going to deport,' Arpaio said. 'This is just to pacify the public that they aren't going to be released. And they are going to be released.'

That's not the case, according to an ICE statement sent in response to Arpaio's comment that agents would not actually be in the jails.

'As was done previously, all individuals booked into the Maricopa County jail will be screened to determine if they are removable from the United States,' the agency said. Those arrested for criminal offenses who are in the country illegally will be 'removed from the United States in line with our priorities.'

The government's report released last week found that Arpaio's office committed a wide range of civil rights violations against Latinos, including jail policies that deprive prisoners of basic constitutional rights. It also found that his office failed to investigate sex crimes involving Latino victims.

Laughter Yoga..

2011-12-19T22:09:00.001-08:00

I just did a drop in Yoga class and the instructor did laughter yoga... it seriously tripped me out.

Marriage games

2011-12-19T12:46:00.000-08:00

If you read my notes the other day about half the stuff swirling around my head you know I made an irresponsible remark about asking my husband for an open marriage. Well I've worked through those emotions. And on Saturday I threw it out to him randomly and shocked him. That experience made me realize what I was going for with the whole concept. It is not that I want an open relationship, its that I want my husband to actually listen to me when I say we are on shaky ground. the September phone call thing put a crack in our foundation. I love my husband and we met almost 13 years ago, December 31, 1998. I've been talking to him about what I need in this relationship and he has been sort of shaking his head yes and ignoring me. But when I threw out that remark to him on Saturday, very casually, it freaked him out. It made him realize that even though everything feels great and perfect for him, I was not ok.

Why does it take such extremes to get someone to listen to you? Seeing him freaked out and watching him realize that I have been serious was very gratifying for me. I wanted him to realize that we NEED TO INVEST in our relationship.

He has seriously undervalued our strengths as a couple. #1 I like sex and want sex that is not all about him and he just needs to get a grip on that because that is tearing us apart. #2 We are really great together going out and having fun. When we lived in PV we were such a fun pair. Before we moved to Mexico everyone wanted to party with us to "say goodbye" it is really strange how people will not go out with you until you are about to move 3000 miles away, then they want to spend time with you. Regardless of that rant, hubby and I have fun the same way. We are silly and relaxed. But what has been happening since we've moved back to the US is we NEVER go out and have fun together. And that has seriously taken its toll. How on earth am I supposed to be "In Love" with him if he is not giving me any of the things that make me fall "In Love" with him. I fell in love with him because of the way he danced and the way he blew my hair back with random words of wisdom. For a long time he doesn't do either. The power that man holds by just taking 5 minutes and dancing in the kitchen with me is like a miracle from heaven, that he is not taking advantage of. A random bite on the neck wouldn't hurt either. 13 years is a difficult number but I hope now with my verbal assault of concepts, he will step up and do the things that make me have that "In Love" feeling.

signing out
PV girl in Portland

Joe Arpaio Investigation finally reveals what a douchebag he is. We all knew it anyway though right?

2011-12-15T14:04:00.000-08:00

From an email received from The American Immigration Council

For Immediate Release
DOJ Report Slams Sherriff Joe Arpaio and DHS Restricts 287(g) and Secure Communities Programs
December 15, 2011

Washington D.C. - After a three-year investigation into the abusive practices of Sherriff Joe Arpaio’s Maricopa County Sherriff’s Office (MCSO), the Department of Justice (DOJ) announced today that it had found a pattern and practice of civil rights abuses, including extreme cases of racial profiling. The enormity of the violations, the majority of which were experienced by immigrants and Latinos, has led the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) to suspend its cooperation agreement (under section 287(g)) with the sheriff’s office and restrict the MCSO’s access to immigration databases through the Secure Communities program.

The dual announcements from DOJ and DHS reinforce what many in Arizona and the broader immigration community have long argued: the practice of allowing local law enforcement to enforce federal immigration law increases the likelihood of racial profiling and pretextual arrests which leads to disastrous results for entire communities.

The DOJ’s Assistant Attorney General for the Civil Rights Division Thomas E. Perez commented on the investigation noting “MCSO’s systematic disregard for basic constitutional protections has created a wall of distrust between the sheriff’s office and large segments of the community, which dramatically compromises the ability to protect and serve the people. The problems are deeply rooted in MCSO’s culture, and are compounded by MCSO’s penchant for retaliation against individuals who speak out.”

The DOJ has requested a response from Maricopa County and writes “If MCSO is not interested or if we deem that MCSO is not engaged in good-faith efforts to achieve compliance by voluntary means, we are prepared to file a civil action to compel compliance.”

The report contains a review of the constitutional abuses rampant in Maricopa County including an analysis by a leading expert on measuring racial profiling who examined MCSO traffic stops and found that “Latino drivers were between four to nine times more likely to be stopped than similarly situated non-Latino drivers. Overall, the expert concluded that this case involves the most egregious racial profiling in the United States that he has ever personally seen in the course of his work, observed in litigation, or reviewed in professional literature.”

Today’s announcements also highlight the critical issues at stake in the upcoming Supreme Court review of Arizona’s SB 1070, a law that institutionalized the role of state law enforcement in federal immigration matters. Even under the best of circumstances, ceding immigration authority to state officers presents an array of complex and politically charged issues. Under the worst of circumstances, as illustrated by Sherriff Arpaio’s MCSO, state and local law enforcement agencies enforcing federal immigration laws can be disasterous.

A Mother's Intuition - My most recent short

2011-12-14T15:31:00.000-08:00

If anyone wants to see my latest short - leave your email here and I will email a link to you. I cannot at this time release it publicly because I may want to submit it to film festivals and most film festivals require that a movie is not released publicly on the internet first.

All the things running through my head. - forgive the saying but I just puked out...some of the stuff running through my head - not even half of it.

2011-12-09T22:51:00.000-08:00

Ever since the whole texting phone relationship thing I sort of lost something in my marriage. Or not exactly lost but I let go. I remember when we were first together and we had an open relatioinship. And I've actually been thinking to ask my husband for an open marriage. I wonder if he will read this? Sometimes he actually does read my blog.

I Haven't written for awhile. Been really busy. I filmed a short movie that should have been amazing but the guy who ran the camera... maybe intentionally shot it bad? I don't know Or I just may have come to the conclusion that I am too good of a photographer to have someone else run the camera, I guess.

Last weekend my daughter turned 9 years old. We had a slumber party. 8 little girls me organizing games, my favorite the bubble gum game. You put a plate out for each little girl and put a piece of gum on it and cover it with whipped cream, then without any hands they have to find the bubbble gum and chew it and the first person to blow a bubble wins.

My children (2 youngest) tell me they love me all the time, several times a day. I asked my friend the other day.... what am I doing so right? I wish I did it with my eldest son cause he barely wants to be around me. But he is 19....

My assertiveness is causing me a problem again. People are not inviting me to work with them as much as I'd like. But I do make new friends so who knows.

This is me.... I make real friends. Not acquaintances. If you read this blog much I've mentioned before my self protection method of freaking people out early on to weed out the weak of heart. If they cant handle that then they have no business being my friend. But then I end up feeling like shit that not everyone likes me.

That's the other thing. I've been feeling so sensitive lately.

Good news, I've been deepening my female friendships.

Good news, I stopped obsessing about dying like a year ago.

Interesting point in my life, I want to work with other people but I'm thinking freelance, I want to create art to better the world.

I have an opportunity to work on an interesting (non paid) project but I am thinking about backing out. Reason is it does not fit into my life goal of my art. I want to create movies that uplift and better the world and I don't want to be a sellout. And this piece I am talking about does not fit into my personal parameters.

I almost feel like my most recent project was almost a sell out.

Here is what I consider giving value and helping the world. Creating a movie that inspires the viewer to think deeper within themselves in a good way, or inspires them to take action that betters the world, inspires forgiveness or kindness, or at the very least gives them happiness for a moment and takes them away from what ever they are worried about.

The reason I have stayed away from horror and several types of films is because to do one feels like a sell out.

So I have this piece I'm almost done with - I mentioned earlier(terrible photography - by the camera guy) and it feels like a sellout (I knew it the minute I wrote it) because it does none of these things. My bestest friend, Laura, told me it does better the world because it educates people.

The subject, a nice guy pedophile. And a protective mother. The acting is good, the story is good, it is short... I believe in the law of attraction and I think it does not better the world. I did plan to put it into festivals, before the terrible photography, and now I think I will just add it to my youtube... and hope again the next project is up to my standards, good photography and uplifting. One good thing I learned my best friend is an exceptional actress.

I'm so busy running around with my head cut off doing a million things that I need to slow down and appreciate what is important to me.

I had a bad dream about my children last night what does that mean. I guess to me what it means is I need to cherish the ones I love.

just want to say one thing

2011-11-30T11:25:00.003-08:00

I'm feeling a little nervous, a little overwhelmed, a little moody.. and like people don't like me. and I know ... I KNOW... it all comes down to one thing... my spiritual practice... so whats my problem I must make that a priority.... I have to.

Weird in P-Town Ep 6 A & B Zombie walk and thriller dance

2011-11-23T17:05:00.000-08:00

Simvastatin, weight gain and acne/rash

2011-11-21T10:28:00.001-08:00

Update on weight gain. Its been about 2 to 2 1/2 months since I stopped taking Simvastatin and I now have lost 10 lbs without changing my eating habits. I am not certain that Simvastatin causes weight gain, however I am certain it prevents weight loss. Since I was up to 183 and now I am at 172 with no change to my eating habits and minimal change to my exercise habits.

Another issue, since I started taking Simvastatin in May of 2010 I noticed everytime I would miss a few days of the medicine I would break out in acne and/or rash on my shoulders and sometimes face. Now that I've been off of the Simvastatin for over 2 months the rash has gone away and my normal (pre Simvastatin) skin is back. I have always had some problems with Acne but no huge rash. The rash was very stressful and upsetting. it was as if every cell was inflamed on my shoulders.

I've been feeling more like an orphan lately

2011-11-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

been feeling a little off, with turbulence in my relationship. My mom has been hospitalized for 3 weeks and will be moved to the State Hospital again. And then there is this very strange feeling of being let go from a basically volunteer job I was doing. I was getting paid a small stipend of $10/hr. but as administrative I used to make over twice that so it was just a token. Anyway, Women in film has more than doubled the number board members they have, which logically you would think they needed more support but the way they look at it is to divide up the work among the board members. So I was assured it is nothing that reflects onto me personally but that they just don't have a need for me anymore... HOWEVER, it is a strange feeling being fired, regardless.

I've been laid off a few times because of mergers. And then there was the time "laid off" was actuality fired, only 1 time. Which was due to some personality issues, as well as economical issues. So now I guess it isn't much different. Its just USUALLY I work for a place on a temporary basis and they go to extremes to keep me there, because I am a very very hard worker and take job ownership. So it sort of messes with my psychology to be let go, for a 10/hr a month job, being paid 1/2 or less of my usual rate.

The answer to my feeling of weirdness... spiritual centered ness, I turned to my course in miracles again. And I felt almost immediately better.

Halloween photos of my little ones...I don't have any photos of my big one

Heartbreaking study and video about shattered families due to recent immigration laws

2011-11-04T10:23:00.001-07:00

http://arc.org/shatteredfamilies

based on some input from class I re-edited the self portrait and DECIPHERED it below

2011-10-28T15:26:00.001-07:00

There is several messages in this short film. There is the idea that I am searching for peace in a world of chaos. There is also the concept that your actions in this life carry through to your childrens lives, and that how we are will affect our children in their future so be careful how you are with your children. Also in the short - when I am grabbing toward beautiful things, which represents the search for inner peace and beauty, when you hear that my instructors tell me to think more critically it turns out I am reaching for a blackberry plant. ... there are lots of little clues and deeper meaning.

The Struggle for Inner Peace in a World of Chaos

2011-10-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

Episode 5 - Weird in P-Town - Men's Roller Derby Practice

2011-10-24T17:30:00.001-07:00

confirmed.... Italian Mafia In Puerto Vallarta working in Time Shares

2011-10-20T23:35:00.000-07:00

I don't want to mention the name of the resort I worked for in Mexico, for approximately 1 week. I was fired because I couldn't lie. I decided just now to google them to see the progress of their scam. No changes, hundreds of people, probably thousands of people were scammed.

But I saw this post by a new member of a forum that was discussing whether they would get their money back. It could very well be a tactic to make sure people don't fight for their money back.. who knows.. it scares me. ... (copied and pasted)

Antonio is the leader/god father. Johnathan is his son. Nico is his cousin.
Some of the other names you mentioned are his captains. He is American/Italian
Mafia and he is a sociopath, most likely a psychopath. Although he can be powerfully charming and convincing if it benefits him, he has no conscience, no morals, no principles, and is capable of most anything. All carry concealed weapons (and for good reason!) and body guards abound.

My advice is to stay away from the (name deleted) . If you knew the history and actions of these individuals, you would realize you are into something horrible. I know them better than most and if you knew what they have done to people and their money, you would be shocked.

10s of millions have been made and there will be nothing to show for it for the poor people who have invested and trusted in him.

I knew when I met the head guy that he seemed like a Mafia head.

So glad I didn't continue working for them, it was hard though.... they wanted to pay me 17,000 pesos per month. Its like about 1500 dollars a month. When most people with a college education in PV get like 5000 pesos a month. It was very cool. But it felt wrong, if they didn't fire me, I would have quit anyway.

Its just a trip to read it so plain as day. Makes me a little paranoid.

Thank you Blockbuster for staying around. The real world vs. eworld - Blockbuster comeback

2011-10-19T10:47:00.000-07:00

I don't really follow the stock market but - this morning I googled a thought that ran through my head. Anyone out there switch back to Blockbuster after Netflix raised their prices...? I was getting bored with Netflix anyway, so we started another 4 week free trial with Blockbuster. And you know what, I bet if you walk into a Blockbuster this evening it will be just like I experienced, it will be hopping just like it was 2002. On Sunday night, it was busy, there was even a line to get out with 2 cashiers working. (background) The last few times (before this) I went into Blockbuster it was D E A D. I mean, no one else in the store quiet enough to take a nap, not even music going or a movie in the background. But now its busy again.

If you don't know already when you have a Blockbuster Online Account you get your movie in the mail and then you can also exchange your movies in the store for no fee, even for new releases. And the best thing is, Blockbuster always has movies before everyone else does. Well that is how it was in the past, I hope that stays the same with Dish owning them.

To be honest, there is something fun about getting the family into the car and excitedly talking about what movie you want and then wandering around the store and physically looking for that movie you want to go home and watch that night. It's more exciting than putting a Netflix on your queue, or watching a Netflix movie you totally get into and having it stall at the precise moment when you are dying to know what happens next. The other thing is, it's fun, every time you get a Blockbuster movie in the mail, you are motivated to watch it sooner, because you can go to the physical store and trade it in as soon as you are done.

At this time Blockbuster doesn't have full streaming capabilities .....yet, however, I guess since Dish Network bought them it is coming soon. But as far as the Dish Network issue.... here is my issue with the whole thing, If you are paying, what ever exorbitant fees for Dish Network, why do you need Blockbuster? However, Dish is smart to buy Blockbuster and get those contract commitment phobes out there, like me. Note to Dish Network, if you offered a cheaper set up fee with no annual contract or I should say no 2 year contract, I would probably have Dish Network right now instead of cable. I don't like any contract that makes you pay a fee to cancel. Just sayin.

This idea brings up a bigger issue. Sure I buy stuff online that I can't find easily or cheaply locally. Sometimes, I don't want to drive around to 5 stores looking for something I know I can find much cheaper on Amazon.com or ebay. And with my free student prime membership on Amazon, I get free 2 day shipping. I do love option that Amazon has offered me. However, I LOVE browsing a store like say ...Target for example and buying what I see in the clearance isle, or the newest fashions or what ever. If you need something specific and you cannot find it at your local Target, but you love Targets stuff, go online and search their website, often you can find it in the clearance area. They do charge shipping for items under... I think it's $50 orders, but its often still worth it, I bought a cute bathing suit for my daughter online on Target, which was out of season at the local Target, for only $4.98 last week, and a very cute summer dress, also out of season at the local Target for $4.98. but they charged me 5.98 shipping, still worth it. If I bought those 2 items at the local target, *(which they are out of season so it won't be available till next year) the price would have been about $35.

At one point it seemed our world was headed to a.... everyone stays home and works in their pajamas kind of world. But that has sort of gone full circle, it works for some people, especially people who move internationally and want the US dollars. And then it also seemed like everyone started moving to a online shopping community, but honestly, some peoples only option to get out of the house is to go shopping.

I finally think, I mean forsee, that our future is not only an E world, with online shopping, online movies, and telecommuting, but it is a well balanced world where we do go out and we do interact with the world. So Blockbuster, I know you changed owners, but I just want to say, thank you for hanging in there Blockbuster, its like getting in touch with an old friend and realizing why haven't I seen you more?

Retailers out there, be savvy, you still have a market you just have to know how to wager it. Kudos dish.

PS. Netflix, why mess up a good thing, you really messed up with the split and rasing prices. . You had that wallmart mentality going for you... now your screwed.

After the freakout

2011-10-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

So on Friday, I sort of got pissed about the whole thing but by the end of the day when I was bugging E at work he said he almost cut himself and I felt really bad. And after that I felt over it. What happened was I had texted back and forth with the girl, in spanish basically telling her why she crossed the line. I was not upset with her when I found out about this thing, I was upset with my husband. But when she called him on his brothers phone all sneaky like, I was upset with her. I start the conversation out in a rather, immature manner. I sent her a text that said, "Say hi to your husband for me, is he cute? " She responded by saying that she did not have a husband and that I had nothing to worry about etc etc. When I asked E about it he said that he didn't know why she said she did not have a husband, but she told him she did. I think maybe she "doesn't" have a husband now because she doesn't want me to tell him about the situation.

In other news, I spent the whole weekend with my family. We went to the park on Saturday, for a little bit, and yesterday we went swimming at the community center. I did not focus on my homework enough. And that is what I must do right now, reading and writing, and planning future projects.

Does infidelity cause brain damage? My windshield is chipped, so to say. ....

2011-10-14T11:54:00.000-07:00

So it's interesting the stages we go through of processing information. I found out about the phone/text relationship that E established with this ex girlfriend from when he was 14 years old... She has 3 children and lives in Texas supposedly. I hope she really does live in Texas. Her phone number is a texas phone number, so I'm hoping she is still there.

And I took it well, and calm. And I surprisingly did not make a big deal about it. Which may be a bad sign. I've always known this about myself.... when I freak out about stuff it is because I care, and when I am indifferent.. that is actually a bad sign. At first I felt sort of indifferent. And a fews days have passed, and enrique's family is making jokes with him about how he got caught. And he is laughing about it.

I don't know if I mentioned it but that chick called my husband after I sent her a message, but here is the thing she called him on his brothers phone.... Here is her picture... Her name is Norma Samano. My little girl just said that she is pretty just now.. I saw some of her other pictures...This is the best of course.

I'm very mad at her for calling my husband after I told her I knew, and to stop contacting him. And he told me.

For some reason today, I guess my mind is mad... I felt like doing revenge... like doing the immature act of publicly sending her a message, but I resisted. And... well she isn't going to see this.. First off I don't even know if she speaks English. Anyway, as hard as I've been trying to be forgiving - I'm feeling petty and revengeful. And maybe this put a chip in my windshield and we all know, once its chipped usually it means you are going to have to replace the whole thing...

** update - does infidelity cause brain damage? Or immaturity? I swear I just texted this girl and told her " Say hi to your husband for me, is he cute?" What is wrong with me?

Marriage has it's ups and downs photo post... soliciting relationship advice see the end of post

2011-10-10T11:27:00.000-07:00

Within the first year....

I'm sort of down today... Ok I am not sort of down, i'm down... Hubby and I have a long history. We actually met before my dad died. But unfortunately, E never met him. Soooo Here we are in the first year.

Very close to when we first started seeing each other

still within the first year

This is 2002ish, just after we bought our big house, and before he cut his hair.. sexy man.

This is when before 2 years were up he went to mexico and I was so lost without him I drove down to central Mexico by myself... that's my car... I'm the one taking the photo of course. And this place where we were waiting, a make shift chiropractor office. those scare me...

this is just after we married. But because he went back to Mexico, he missed the deal that Clinton signed on December 20, 2000 that would have gotten us everything we wanted

Just after Junie was born....I was on Maternity Leave...

Teal with Junie

Junie was under 2 by now I had quit my job I think.... This photo was at bagby hotsprings.... I love this... I know its risque... but it really was innocent.. My nose looks so much better when I'm thinner.

Me pregnant with Jimi in 2006 9 month pregnant

When Jimi was born - less than a year before we moved to mexico.

Just after we got to Puerto Vallarta...

One year there....

The Summer when I had already moved back but we went back for the summer.

Well, the uploading feature is giving me problems -so I can't get as many posted as I wanted...... but what I am getting at is on 12/31/2011 it will have been 13 years since we first met and started seeing each other. We had 2 years of rockiness and pretty smooth since then.

Over all its been very solid the whole time.. I hear 13 is a dificult year, but I am committed and I love him, and I am still attracted to him. It's not easy, its not simple, I'm a hot blooded woman just like everyone else and I have people I feel attracted to, but with my marriage being strong I don't seem to have a problem keeping it in check. Here is the thing, Enrique added an ex girlfriend's sister to his facebook. I said "be careful" ,and "what are you going to do when the ex girlfriend adds you." He said it wouldn't be a problem.

Then she did of course add him, about a month ago. (I just found this out last night) Then I guess one way or another the ex girlfriend got his phone number and she lives in Texas, supposedly. And they started texting and talking on the phone... etc... So I figured that all out yesterday, because I saw her on his facebook, and I asked and (I know him VERY WELL AFTER 13 YEARS) and he lied right to my face and said that was not his ex. His ex was Nora not Norma... and I forced him to tell the truth, which little by little he did, but he would lie first until I would make him tell me the truth. And I kept offering just tell me everything, you know I know how to check up on the phone.

So I look up the texts and he was texting her like 3-8 times a day his side, and her back the same amount, and talking on the phone to her 1 to 3 times per week. And ....

Well, what do I do? I find myself attracted to people here and there.... but I always, ALWAYS talk about my husband a lot and well, try to ignore it.

Should I trust him?

He say's he is really sorry, and he feels bad for not being honest and he says that he will not lie to me anymore. And I accepted my part in it. Maybe I have been focusing on my career tooo much...

any advice anyone?

Brookie Singing - with the Bed of Roses Song...

2011-10-09T22:26:00.000-07:00

a friend of mine had a birthday party for her daughter yesterday and she said she wanted to have a music vidoe on youtube singing it.... so I had her sing the song 4 times, really in formally... and put together this music video today....

Does Simvastatin cause weight gain?

2011-10-05T22:49:00.000-07:00

Since the stroke in May of 2010, my doctor put me on simvastatin a medicine which lowers cholesterol. Now this medicine did help to lower cholesterol and the other medicines have enabled me to live a normal life. But I noticed that I gained 15+ lbs since I started college. Now I'm wondering if the whole time the weight gain was because of the Simvastatin. I'm saying that because I've been off of it for about 3 weeks and I've lost 8 lbs without trying, I'm doing the exact same thing that I've been doing since I started taking it. Which is barely eating half the time. So... does it cause weight gain? I personally think it did. I'm hoping to get down to my normal weight of 160ish. Of course i'd like to be thinner, but I've been at a terribly high 180 to 182 for awhile now - so at this point my normal weight would be great, and I could not for the life of me figure out why I was gaining. I'm thinking now it must have been the Simvastatin. If I google it all I can find is that there is no conclusive evidence that it causes weight gain. What a crock. I get the feeling that unless 50% or more of people have a certain reaction they say there is no conclusive evidence..

*** update/well, I'm not sure but I gained a few pounds back so maybe it was just a coincidence... we will see, if my weight gradually goes lower and lower I will know. I was also taking amlodipine with simvastatin so it is good I quit because there are new studies that show the combination is not good.

This little guy was born knowing how to charm.

2011-10-05T10:23:00.000-07:00

And the thing is he doesn't have that evil personality that some charmers do when you turn your back. I know what your thinking... how would I know your his mom. He really is a sweet boy. Who tells ladies, "Your beautiful". Everyone loves to hear that. He is funny he tells jokes, and does a beat box. He always says off the wall little jokes that crack us up. He is 5 years old and concerned that I have his hair done a certain way... But not overly concerned. He makes requests to wear certain outfits because he wants to look handsome. This is a photo from a few months ago he wanted to wear that outfit, but I made him put the white t-shirt on too.

Well, I'm writing about Jimi today because he keeps telling me he can see the future. I kind of believe him, he is one of those sensitive, patient, and understanding children. The only issue is when he is in trouble he takes it really hard, and when he is scared he freaks out. Such as, him being a picky eater, if I say he has to have 1 bite of something that he is going to like once he tries it, for example spagetti, he will lose his mind before he takes a bite and then say, "Oh....its yummy." That is after there has been a huge climatic argument, crying, screaming, about that same bite.

Anyway, so he keeps telling me he can see the future. He says it like this, "Mommy, do you know, I can not only see right here but I can see in the future too". Sometimes he explains it and I think he actually means the past? But other times he might be seeing the future, because it seems so random what he says. One day I asked what he could see and he said, "You are at your school, by the bathrooms, talking to some people".
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Another issue I wanted to express is that when I do my spiritual reading everday I have a deep sense of inner peace, and when I don't, I get all sorts of strange thoughts going through my head like guilt and fear. What ever you celebrate for spirituality remember when you feel lost, sad, insecure, or fearful, the core of it is faith. I have to continually remind myself...
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Today's prediction from Jimi, in the future we will have a bathroom that is very dark.......lol... not the current bathroom, a different one, but it is very very dark. I'm thinking, he's in there and the powers off?

Who knows, I love my children and then grow up so fast. Teal is 19 in college and I rarely see him. Make time. I have to remind myself, make time to play with them.

Adios.

Here is a trailer for a film my friend is working on

2011-10-04T15:22:00.001-07:00

His name is Aaron NC and he put this together all by himself, it is utterly amazing!

Weird in P-Town Episode 4 - The Peculiarium - Fun News in Portland

2011-10-03T19:01:00.000-07:00

Here is the most recent episode of my webshow.. I am very thankful that I have Tiffany Forni willing to work with me on this show. She is very beautiful and exciting and fun. Here is a link to1 story about her http://www.ironmanmagazine.com/site/tiffany-forni/, if you google Tiffany Forni many stories and beautiful photos come up.

Anyway, we experienced some very strange audio problems on this shoot. I think.... aliens, ghosts, or zombies were interfering with our mic frequencies. :)

Anyway, this one is not for the faint of heart.... Its scary....

na na na na na.. I have a best friend now.

2011-10-02T14:27:00.000-07:00

So I've been back from Mexico 2 1/2 years- In 2007 right before I sold the big 5 bedroom 3 bath house, I met a girl that lived across the street. She is a pretty little soft spoken friendly latina, who was raised in the US by an American Mother, very intelligent and articulate, and talks as fast or faster than I do. We started becoming friends at the time, and then I moved to Mexico. Coincidentally her husband is from about 10 ish miles away from where my husband is from. (My husband is from a town outisde of Morelia, Michoacan called. El Alto de Aviles, which is outside a bigger town Called Albaro de Obregon. Accross the street from the Morelia Airport. Her husband is from Zinapecuaro about 10ish miles east of there)

Here is a google map

View Larger Map
While I was in Mexico I kept in touch with her loosely and then when I moved to my current apartment I moved like 1000 feet away from her house... and we have been visiting when ever I get the chance. Our children adore each other. We did water Zumba together last week, and we have been cultivating our friendship for a few months, and now... finally now... I feel like I have a best friend again. I have some other friends that I am getting to know too, but she is someone I can open up to 100% without feeling like I have to edit anything.

I've also been figuring out what friendships do not benefit me. I have one person that was supposed to be my friend, but continually ignores any requests I have, is not considerate to my feelings, blows up at me alot.... So that's not happening anymore.

It's nice to have a best friend again. It feels really nurturing. Ever since Darcy died, I dont' have someone who I can fully confide in....

That's all for now...

And I still haven't found what I'm looking for

2011-10-01T23:34:00.000-07:00

Isn't it strange when you are pretty safe confiding your life to the internet. It's weird because I probably could type the most intimate thoughts on here and my husband would never read this blog.

I love him in many ways on many days. I heard this song Recently that reminds me ....

but the sad thing is I can write what ever I want here and even though he knows about my blog he won't read my blog.

It's not that he cant, he can read, he is lazy. He prefers reality tv and novellas, to learning. And this is actually something I've really been worrying about. When I started college he expressed to me a worry he has.. the idea that.... one person puts the other person through college, and when they are done they leave the person who put them through college.

I thought about this and ... my opinion is... it happens because the person in the relationship who is not in college doesn't learn new things and move forward.

and that is what I am worried about right now... Yet... I drove 3100 miles to be with him.. and he did the same for me.... but can I find what I'm looking for? Sometimes I feel like I am satisfied with my life wherever I am... And other times I feel like I keep so busy that maybe I am looking for something.

Karma test today - met a blind man who was lost

2011-09-19T20:21:00.000-07:00

What an amazing day this turned out to be. I have been trying to tie up all sorts of lose ends and get little things done since I'm out of class for a few weeks. I ended up running around all day and I started feeling tired and ill as the weather got nicer and nicer. My husband comes home and says we are all going for a bike ride. He is so sweet. I wanted to get out of the house before Winter sets in again.... so reluctantly I did.

Oh the oxygen.

Ahhh it is so nice to be out on a nice summer(ish) eve and ride bikes with the family. So we go to the community center and check on getting a family pass, they have quite the deal. A family pass for $54 per month, includes swimming and group exercize. They even have zumba - and zumba in the water - which I looked up and does not look quite as graceful, but probably much more my speed.

So anyway, we played 2 games of Foosball - it was Jimi and Enrique against June and I, and June and I almost won both games, which is a first for us. Usually Enrique kicks our butt(s). It ended up being 1 to 1 and lots of victory dances and victory laps and yelling in victory and all that. So we leave the community center, and walk around the track a few times.. Ok I'm lying we walked around the track one time. and then we decided to head back. June found someones backpack outside, so we sent her to turn it in at the Community Center. We get on our bikes and head back. Were zooming down the street on our bikes and we were on the sidewalk because the street was narrow and cars lined the streets. And June was ahead of me. I saw a lady coming and a blind man seeming a little confused. I told June to get off the sidewalk and she does. And the blind man sat down, and grabbed his knees and started rocking back and forth. We approached and I tried to say as politely as possible "Do you need any assistance?"
He stood up and said he was trying to get back to Russellville commons. Which happened to be across the street. I said if he wanted I could walk him accross the street. But he insisted that he wanted to go back to where he started and then start over and would I mind walking with him to the main street so he can start over and I could be his eyes and explain some things to him.

So my entourage was my husband pushing 2 bikes and my children and I walked with Tim back to the main street so he could figure out how he had gotten messed up. It took quite awhile. But I am certain it helped him immensely and for some reason I really felt a sense of accomplishment. Isn't that weird. A single random act of kindness feels me with a huge sense of accomplishment.

** note: I just remembered the reason I was inspired to write this is because I wanted to help Tim get a gps system, which he said he could not afford. If someone reads this and knows please comment.

I just want to say thank you god for this opportunity.

Puerto Vallarta Girl in Portland

Interesting Article about Hipsters and Obama

2011-09-17T10:48:00.001-07:00

http://www.observer.com/2011/08/o-bummer-hipsters-o-bandon-obama/

Spoiler Alert - Hard Candy the movie - and memories it brought back.

2011-09-16T11:17:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've been in finals, whew so glad that is over. And I've been doing ton's with my webshow I have a new host Tiffany Forni, she is beautiful and exciting. But what I wanted to talk about today is this movie that tottally tripped me out last night. Hard Candy, so if you want to see it don't read this. Anyway the tag line is Teenager Hayley has her own reasons for spending time with an olderman she met online. My husband understandablly did not like this film because of how it seems Hayley castrates the man. While watching this I was so terrified she was going to become the victim. I did not want to see that. I was actually very happy that she was appearing to be the sick one, but really its hard to say if she is that sick or not, that is a matter of opinion. What Hayley is, is a vigilante.

***this turned into a walk down memory lane and sort of went off subject but bear with me.

I'm not certain if I've written it here or not but, I was a very promiscuous youth from 13 to 18, then I was in a very monogamous relationship from 18 to 27. While I was watching this I remembered several instances when older men tried to ... court me ??? I guess you would call it... when I was a teenager. I think only 1 time did I do anything with an older guy, which I've always regretted, but it was voluntary. Unlike most promiscuous teens I never...... ever.... did anything with a man without being in total agreement, and I was never involved, except that 1 exception of 1 time, with an older man. However, I can remember several stories of how older men acted interested in me, but thank god I never fell for it. I am and have always been a very strong and independent person. I think that is because I had responsibility at such a young age. That is why this movie is so interesting to me, it felt like it was me at first.... The movie starts with a person online chatting with someone and flirting but with heavy sexual undertones. Now that part does not remind me of me, I never did that in advance of meeting someone, and hey when I was a teenager, there wasn't even the internet yet, that came in my 20's. So she goes and meets this guy this is Ellen Page from Juno, is made up to look so very 14 years old, and tomboy ish. It was utterly disturbing. The guy she is meeting is a supposed photographer who is handsome. She teases him and gets him to take her home, but she really has to prod him to do so, he doesn't immediately take the bait though he seems like he wants to. There is some foreshadowing, she acts happy but they show nervous looks on her face. At the time you say to yourself. "No dont' do it, if your not comfortable don't do it!".... I was very scared at this point that the film was going to be a standard, she is a victim film and he was the crazy. They get back to his house and she talks him into having some drinks. Now at this point... I had to pause the movie to tell my husband about all these stories that I just happened to recall in that moment.

Wow it is so scary when I think about it and what was happening at the time, REAL LIFE 1984 ish The Green River killer for info about the green river killer click here and scroll down to the section "The History of the Green River Killer" The Green River Killer was killing girls from my area and where I was hanging out. And,I Even knew of a girl that was killed who my friend knew, that was evidently a prostitute her name was Wanda. Wanda is not on this list, but in that story (the link above) it is evident they did not find all the victims. Ok. So thats setting the stage. It was the 80's I had big hair and spandex. I was promiscuous, but I didn't mess around with an older guy until 1988 in Sacramento. But I did hitchhike often. My friend and I did get into cars with guys we'd never met, but usually they were about our age and were partiers with long hair and looked like Poison, or motley crew used to look. We liked our hot rockers I tell you. We did meet alot of them. And we partied constantly... Just like that popular song right now.. last Friday night. Except we didnt' look like that, we were hot, and there was no internet. We used to get kegs and take them everywhere, I had fake id since I was like 14.

Oh my god I was watching that video, I had those ear rings. there is a girl in red, with hoop red ear rings, I had those when I was 14. gosh I wish I had my year book.... from middle school. Ok, i'm getting off topic. Oh my god is that freakin Kenny G? Wow, Well, I usually never have time to watch videos. Ok damn, i am so off track here.

Ok I'm going to list the memories that came up when I was watching that movie last night:

About 1984 I got a ride from a guy that drove me to the end of my street. I was like 13/14 ish and I remember having a really interesting conversation with him, but I thought it was very strange how he was so facinated by me, he was like 34 or something and he thought I was the best thing ever and he never tried to touch me but we had a long conversation, he was ok looking but I was not in the slightest interested in a grown man. IF my dad knew he would have literally shot this man. At the time I had no idea what was really going on. He was nice and funny and wanted to continue to be "friends" but I never saw him again. I just said, "I gotta go" and went home.
1984 I was hanging out in the wrong crowd with I think this tall friend I had named Joanna and we somehow met a coke dealer who had a red corvette. Anyway I vaguely remember being told the benefits of hanging out with this guy. But he was creepy, a drug addict/dealer. it was weird so we never saw him again, and you know I didn't even like coke.
Ok then there was this other bad influence I knew in 84/85 ish and she was hanging out right where the prostitutes that got killed from the green river killer were.
Her brother was sooo cute, I had a crush on him for years. He looked like Gael Garcia Bernal, Yum, anyway... whoa I saw him recently and he still looks good. But thank god my infaturation was over. I had an infatuation with Scott for years. Ok, so I was hanging out with his sister, who had used meth amphetamines and and I actually did it with her, my first time. But the way she would get money is this OLD guy named Harold. She would ask him for money, now she told me she never did anything with him. Becuase I was against that, and I guess even with the crowd I was involved with I was still naive enough to believe that things just came free. I mean I always for nearly my entire life got stuff for free it was so weird. Anyway, I never met this guy Harold but I heard about him.
Ok, then..... When I lived in Woodland California, a group of my friends all got a keg and we went to a concert in Sacramento. Before or after said concert we visited some friends house, which happened to be a guy that was 32 ish... he had a 5 year old child, I was 16 at the time, and I remember him like trying to give me what was basically a sales pitch on why i should be his girlfriend and come and be the step mother. But I was polite and got out of there as soon as I could. There was no real pressure but still, what is wrong with these guys?
I also remembered another time when I was 16ish and I had a different friend named Shelly Martinez, and she knew this coke dealer named Sparks, and we went to his house and he sort of gave me a sales pitch too, Like he liked me ... la dee da etc and why it would be good to be with him. He showed me his basement that was a marijuana growing operation that he dug under his house.
then there was the time that I did the regrettable thing I mentioned earlier, I screwed around with the creepy neighbor when I lived in Sacramento. I've always regretted that, he was like 40, but that was the only time I actually did anything, and I did it consentually.
Oh I remember when I worked at the OHSU my Senior year in Highschool and this guy that worked there... This married guy named Don flirted with me constantly and gave me notes. I lived on my own, went to highschool, drove a car, and was a file clerk 20 hours a week in the medical records department of the Oregon health and science medical records department. Everyday we would pick up these stacks of print outs of these little index card sized printouts and pull the files. More than one time this guy put little love notes into my stack. I remember I even actually went to a concert one time and held his hand while his wife was there. Oh my god, so scandelous. I have never been one to be the other woman so I don't know what I was thinking but that guy kinda did convince me he was great. I never kissed him or anythign.
Its so weird, I was never molested, but this subject brings back so many memories I had completeley forgotten. Like when I was very young, like 4 years old, I remember my dads friend giving me a ride by myself. and he must have said something really bad, like touch my pee pee or something, because I remember telling him no and then immediately telling my dad when I saw him and then my dad fought him and forbade him to ever come around his family again etc. etc.
I also remember when I was maybe 3-4 years old the neighbor guy named Huey was babysitting us and he wanted me to touch his pee pee or he wanted to touch me. This guy was like 15 or 16 and babysitting us and as soon as my dad and mom came home from their date, I told my dad what huey had said and my dad was fist fighting this teenager and the cops came and took my dad away. I guess my dad hurt the kid.

That is all I can remember right now. But that is the story of someone who was never actually molested and someone who doesn't fit the victim profile. Like I am outspoken and independent. So I guess this explains at least partially why one of my biggest fear is children being abused. I just can't handle the thought of it.

Now back to the movie, so I am watching her playing with fire, thinking this movie is going to show her being abused, which if that happened I would probably have had to turn the movie off. I am far too sensitive, to these issues, and of these issues becoming buried into my sub-conscious to watch completely. But the story didn't go that way - it turned a corner. He made her a drink and she said" well you know I have a rule, never to drink a drink that was not made by yourself".. and she goes and makes a drink and then slips him a micky.

Which oh my god, brings up another story.

It was 85/86 ish and shelly and I met some guys who lived around the Hawthorne area. We went back to their house for the so called party. Which no one was there. It was one of those bait and switch things. and they served us some cheap champagne which I am certain had a micky in it. And I started getting drunk way too fast and then we left. Shelly didn't want to leave but I dragged us out of there seeing double vision and everything and got us out of there.

Ok so she gives him a micky and you finally see who is really in charge here. She tortures him and makes him actually think she cut off his manhood, she searches his entire house, and does not find a single piece of porn, which very intelligently she says for a normal hetro sexual guy there should in the very least be some dvd's or some magazines. It's just the normal thing, but she didnt find anything. Finally she finds his safe and finds photos of terrible stuff, which you never actually see but it is so horrific and it is to young girls, and a girl that was missing. There were also photos of children being killed. She tells him she is going to castrate him, she ices it and puts a clamp on it and then sets up a camera and puts in a video where she makes it look as if he is watching an actual surgery on the screen, but what he is actually watching is a video tape of a castration. He doesn't realize until later, that she didn't cut it off. while there is this cat mouse game she keeps offering him this option to commit suicide. She finds his weakness, a woman loved and was infatuation with, but didn't kill, and calls her to come over. And 2-3 times she gives him the option that he can kill himself and she will hide all the evidence of him being a monster. He keeps getting lose but she always gets him back in check again, with a stun gun. It's as if she has done this multiple times.

In the end he does kill himself and she doesn't hide the evidence of the horrendous crimes, of course, and then.... she just walks away.

So I was unusually ok, with what happened and my husband did not like the idea of the whole castration and all that of course. though he agreed that he did deserve it, I just don't think men like watching a movie where there is a castration. And the other thing was the character was very intelligent and articulate, similiar to me, and I think the combination of the similiarities of our characters, and the subject matter of castration made him very uncomfortable.

So that is the spoiler alert and a look into some of my illicit past as a teenager.. What do you think about all this?

A new episode of my webshow Ep 3: Weird in P-Town, Adult Soapbox Races 2011

2011-08-28T02:23:00.000-07:00

a small sign that prosecutorial discretion is being used

2011-08-26T12:50:00.001-07:00

see article below
http://immigrationimpact.com/2011/08/26/some-hopeful-early-signs-that-prosecutorial-discretion-is-being-exercised/

thank god,

Reading that article made me get teary eyed.

and here's another one
http://www.npr.org/2011/08/25/139931008/new-u-s-deportation-policy-spares-some?ps=cprs

god bless you and thank you for always believing.

policemans hat

2011-08-22T13:53:00.000-07:00

1989 - High Rocks - what was in my head

If only I had a blue hat, like him. That man over there. Seeming so powerful and awake, savage? He looked at me with pearcing eyes. My bikini was green and he thought he smelled alcohol on my breath. I want to take that blue hat away from him and throw it in the river.
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present day:

Sometimes to this day I look at people and I try to guess who they are and what they are thinking. When the evening comes and the clouds are gone, I will look out the window and envision another world, another world for the taking, where I am free and run away. But would I really be happy? The grass is always greener, the key is spirituality.

This is me trying to write freely, no editor in my mind. I was 18 when a cop gave me a minor in possession because I looked HOT in my florescent green tiger striped bikini - it was 1989. In Clackamas county court it got dropped, I was prepared to fight it, but he didn't show up. That day the cop gave me a ticket he told me " If only I was alittle younger maybe we could go out on a date." Just another day in abuse of power.

Last night we were driving back from Seaside Oregon,

I read an article in Glamour 9/2011 issue, about there still being a 27% gap in salaries of women and men doing the same job. How can I go for my dreams but be seen as a good person. Women doing the exact same actions as men are still perceived negatively for going for their dreams.

Puerto Vallarta girl in Portland

When I started this blog - it was to connect me to people

2011-08-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

At the time I was in Mexico and feeling very disconnected. Now its been a few years nearly 3 years. And I feel like I want to write anonymously again, but I can't. Last night I was laying in bed thinking about my life and how it is very essential that I do my spiritual practice, but I get so caught up with all the BS that I often forget, and I start feeling depleted. The Course in Miracles really helps me, but still I feel like I am missing something, which is the writing. Its like a strange catch 22. I have the blog to journal. but the journal isn't private anymore. And there is too much at stake to tell everything. but I still yearn to create, i still yearn to make music, to dance, to be sexy. I met my husband December 31, 1998, and now its nearly 13 years later, and I still want to have fun, and be crazy and do fun stuff. And I've been under way too much stress for a few weeks. Guess what else is freaky, a talented girl who just graduated from my school in the film department is getting a job working in a restaurant. You know what? I know too well the take the job to get by. Its a mistake. I think when you graduate college you shouldn't take jobs to get by you should take entry level jobs instead. That way at least you'll be in the right industry.

Well, I have some editing I have to do, and some homework. And I just helped my mom move from one facility to a nursing home.

busy busy busy.

Big news - Immigration wise

2011-08-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/us-plans-to-make-it-a-priority-to-deport-illegal-immigrants-who-are-convicted-criminals/2011/08/18/gIQAxKHxNJ_story.html

Weird in P-town episode 3 to come soon

2011-08-11T14:30:00.000-07:00

We had plans in July to film the robin hood festival but due to a family emergency it got cancelled. This month we are filming the Portland box car races. Saturday the 13th 10am at MT tabor. I'll get the episode done as soon as I can.

Howdy peeps

2011-08-05T23:11:00.000-07:00

I've got lots going on, i'm enjoying my summer, my mom isn't doing too well, her pancreas has shriveled up and she has hardening of the arteries and is being moved to a nursing home. But I have a good friend that lives close to me and my I'm on number 42 of my course in miracles. I'm doing the affirmation that money comes to me easily and effortlessly. Still getting A's and B's and I'm currently in an environmental science class, Art history class, Production Planning class, and Reality Media class where we are filmimg dodgeball league.

please pray for my mom

2011-07-16T12:52:00.001-07:00

if you ever read this blog you know about my mentally ill mother. She is about to go into emergency surgery to save her hand. please pray for her to have 2 healthy hands. I believe in the power of prayer.

students arrested at immigration protest

2011-07-14T13:11:00.001-07:00

http://www.pe.com/localnews/stories/PE_News_Local_D_deport14.3d48984.html

Weird in P-Town - Episode 2 - Naked Bike Ride 2011

2011-07-08T23:12:00.000-07:00

my career

2011-07-06T11:56:00.001-07:00

my career may not be totally going right now but it is surely taking off, with the interviews with laika and nbc 2 weeks ago and now I got a call today to work on a piece that may be televised. yea!

My friends project - needs crowd funding - a satire about heaven and hell

2011-07-02T18:26:00.000-07:00

this is from a friend of mine who is about to do her senior piece and needs some help with funding.

Reuniting Families Act

2011-07-02T13:55:00.001-07:00

Immigration Reform Supporters check this out.

http://www.honda.house.gov/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=90&Itemid=76

My Webshow - Weird in P-town - the Real Portlandia - Episode 1 - UFO Fest

2011-07-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

coming soon will be an episode on the portland naked bike ride, nw pride festival, and the robinhood festival. stay tuned.

my daily lessons

2011-06-20T19:42:00.000-07:00

Well obviously I have not been doing the daily lessons. Its just too much work and after I got into it I found out, even though it is remarkable the transformations that happen, those transformations are highly personal and so much out there, that writing about them is sort of ... hypocritical and not really in alliance with what the Course in Miracles in teaching... therefore I am going to surrender my blog back to my normal nonsense.

ttys.

Puerto Vallarta girl in Portland

Opening sequence for my new webshow - Weird in P-town

2011-06-06T12:29:00.000-07:00

I'm still editing the show but this will be the opening title sequence.

be careful what you think about

2011-06-04T19:24:00.000-07:00

So I haven't had time to write everytime I do a lesson but I've done a few more. I'm on lesson 23. But look what happened. The other day I was meditating and trying to heal all this illness in my body, 2 days later guess what happens my back goes out. It reminds me of the fact that they say, what ever you think about manifests in your life. What I am saying is , the universe doesn't care if you say heal health problems... it only hears health problems. So rather than focusing on healing any toxins in my body, I should have been focusing on health. And visualizing myself healthy and thriving. No i'm laid up with a back pain , that pain medicine isn't even getting rid of it. Also I missed the Fashion Show that I was supposed to be part of the film crew as a fixer/floater. But here is the short I produced and edited that is playing at the fashion show, as an introduction to the designers.

I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my thoughts - lesson 18 to 20

2011-05-24T15:14:00.000-07:00

I have about a million subjects I could talk about. but I guess it all boils down to my spiritual lessons. I'm trying to keep to the lessons but I get off on other tracks. Look, if you ultimately believe that what you believe is what will be, why even spend time thinking about things you don't want. Such as this wonderful lady I've been talking to that lives a fee doors down from me. She is groovy and interesting and very intelligent. She reminds me in personality of my friend who just passed, but she started telling me all these things about environmental and conspiracy type stuff that I do believe it when I see it. However, I want more love in the world and not more environmental problems. So I believe on of our programmed issues are that in order to change your world you have to advocate for it. This issue has truly confused me in the past. Is advocating like fighting against something? Is pursuing environmental and government conspiracy theories fighting against something and is it true or is not true that fighting against something gives it more power? If I totally take all the negative things out of my consciousness does it cease to exist in my world? These are the questions I have. I believe if I let go of all the things I want to fight against the world will be a better place.

Resistance gives more energy to something.

Well that is just something to think about. Lesson 19 was I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my thoughts, pretty much the same as 18. Todays lesson 20 is "I am determined to see."

The first thing it says, is the lessons have been relaxed because if you felt coerced you would not do them.
The second thing it says is that the lessons will now have more structure but that it is not force because we want to be happy and we want peace. And the reason we do not have that now is because our mind is not disciplined. Now this is where it starts to make reference to Jesus. I have always found this interesting. It starts to feel like these books are some type of re-interpretation of jesus.

Today (or this week for me) you should remind yourself through out the day that you are determined to see. In otherwords you are determined to change your present state for a better one.

Try to repeat todays idea twice an hour through out the day.

visualize checks in the mail

2011-05-20T14:30:00.000-07:00

For the past few days I've been visualizing checks in the mail. and today I got a totally unexpected refund from a parking ticket from November. can you believe it? $50.

Once a day? who was I kidding....Lesson 17 to 18

2011-05-17T23:53:00.000-07:00

Me when I went to visit my son and went on a hike

view from mountain above corvallis

The "I see no Neutral things"... lesson 17 is a fire starter. once you start delving into that you get all sorts of controversial stuff. I've been so busy that I am about a week behind posting my experiment.... I've been filming fashion designer interviews, filming my new webshow "Weird in P-Town" that will be fun.... the first episode was at the UFO Fest.... which was silly really. I'm just looking for things that are different, and weird, sort of piggy backing on the Portlandia Series success.

my kids walking up the path

the mossy trees

I've been volunteering for Women in Film and even gotten a few inquiries for work, which I am just too busy right now to take on something else.

Also if you saw my latest movie "Call me Cupid" originally 4 and 1/2 minutes it is now 3 minutes long and called "Twisted Cupid" and I am doing a sound design on it.

I've been trying to be generous. I had a realization today that sometimes people don't want to be helped or sometimes when you help someone who needs help it makes you both nervous.

my 2 boys

And I also went to the 3rd of my 4 free counselling sessions through my schools EAP. You know I did feel depressed for a few weeks, but I think I am really starting to get my silly back. So I go in there again, thinking that I am really sort of wasting time with this because I am already good at coping, but through the process of talking to her I realized I have a negative body image.... I'm 40 and a little heavier, and not as attractive and you see there I go again. ....
Oh and on Saturday night I went out with my friend and her girlfriend, because my hubby was hung over and didn't want to go...and I danced for a few songs.

my little ones posing by the bikes at my sons apts

There is a new Immigration bill "Reuniting Families" or something or other that would really help out thousands and thousands of US Citizens and I got a call from my contact at American Families United today and I am going to start working on getting support for that. When I get more details I'll post it here.

Plus week 7 at school, everything starts heating up and getting crazy.

Lets see what my lesson 18 is... I hope its something about everything being easy... I have once again successfully created chaos in my life, every term I do this. it starts out calm and then because I feel bored I create chaos...

Lesson 18," I'm not alone in experiencing the effects of my seeing". Taken from the course in miracles workbook for students. It says that today's lesson is that everything we think is never neutral or unimportant and that all our minds are joined. I think that is an interesting thing to think. 3 or 4 times today look around and say "I am not alone in experiencing the effects of how I see _____"

My interpretation: this reminds me a little bit of the movie "What the bleep do we know?" In that it emphases how everyone is everyone else.... sometimes I when I drive, I look around and think how everyone else is me.... ...

moving forward here lesson 15, and 16.

2011-05-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

I have been quite busy with the fashion show short I am working on. It was interesting yesterday filming the fitting for a fashion show. All those very tall, young, and beautiful girls in the high fashion outfits. My crew did great, and everything seems to be coming together fine. Tomorrow will be the interviews of the designers. Today was my trip to Corvallis. The home of Oregon State. My Son gave us a great tour. And then we came back to his apartment for lunch and next off to a hike on a hill that overlooks Corvallis. The sun came out and the rain came out and the sun came out and the rain came out. It was a wonderful day. I worked through lesson 14 which was God did not create a meaningless world. Then I did lesson 15 my thoughts are images that I have made. And I now have moved on to lesson 16 I have no neutral thoughts. I like the idea that I have no neutral thoughts. It means that every single thought or action for that matter is either a step in faith or a step in fear. I find comfort in that. I find comfort and support in that. I started doing something that I think may help me in this process. I decided to write the daily lesson on my arm. I am so very very busy that I was having some trouble remembering my daily lesson just 5 minutes after I would read it, so now I am writing it on my arm. Tomorrow I will do 17.

repeating to myself for what... 4 days... God did not create a meaningless world Lesson 14 to 15

2011-05-05T23:16:00.000-07:00

So got the ear all fixed up today, it was filled with ear wax and the doctor cleaned it... Hey I'm missing out on the daily photo thing I wanted to do too. I have so much going on right now. I'm excited too. I've been loving my screen writing class and I am contemplating whether I should do my final project on 2 particular very personal events. One is a story from few days after we moved to Mexico and my husband messed up and got drunk and went to a brothel and danced with a prostitute. The other is about what happened the day my dear friend died several weeks ago. Both deeply personal situations that I will have to write, and then have read out loud by people playing the parts.

Another cool thing... I'm now working with Women in Film Portland, Yea!!! as a volunteer/part time employee ish thing.... I'm so excited to be able to build these friendships with various women who are in film...... I like the idea of having a reason to be there. I've found in networking situations I am terrible if I do not have a function. However, if I have a function I can be charming and efficient and helpful. Sometimes, believe it or not eloquent. You know what happened to that, I used to be eloquent. .....or maybe only in my mind.

Tonight I was organizing a shoot for a short film that will be played before the 2011 Fit to Print fashion show for the graduating Fashion Students.

And I have a webshow I want to do a pilot on. About Weird in Portland.

Also I'm going to Corvallis on Sunday to visit my Son, whom I miss and is so sweet, I am so lucky you know to have such wonderful kids. This morning, (I'm grumpy in the morning by the way), I was woken up with my 4 year old boy and 8 year old girl kissing each of my cheeks and wanting huggies. I am so lucky.

I am starting a garden in the back area of my apartment. What else... I'm a weird o... I offered a magazine to a lady on the train and she declined as if she was offended and it hurt my feelers. ...

So anyway, I've been thinking everyday about that god did not create a meaningless world, but I just am not 100% feeling this yet. I must keep going.

Lesson 15: My thoughts are images that I have made.( taken from The Course in Miracles Workbook for Students.)
Description: ok in a jumble of words it says our thoughts ARE the images we see. Our thoughts replace seeing with illusions. Whoa this part is a trip " This introductory idea to the process of image making that you call seeing will not have much meaning for you. You will begin to understand it when you have seen little edges of light around the same familiar objects which you see now. "

wow

that is A TRIP. it says that when that happens that is the beginning of REAL vision.

wow.

It says that as you go along you may have many "light episodes" that take many forms. And it says do not be afraid of them. They are signs that you are opening your eyes at last.

to practice - repeat it to yourself. and apply it to whatever you see around you. This ____ is an image that I have made. That ____ is an image that I have made. each practice should be for a minute or less and only 3 times during the day.

My interpretation: WOW... nothing really to say, I need to try it.

Lesson 14 - my biggest problem with doing this.....

2011-05-03T14:28:00.000-07:00

I forget the words of the lesson during the day. I should probably carry the lesson with me. ....so sorry but I must repeat Lesson 14 - God did not create an meaningless world.

On Saturday when I drafted up the last blog post I was all pumped up because my friends son was going to come with me to the sound studio. He flaked on me. And the other idea I had to try to help my niece and take her to the ballet, and then talk about education etc... has been cancelled too, because she has been behaving terribly and her mom feels that going to the ballet would be a huge unwarranted reward.

So much for grand gestures... though I do find enjoyment in just doing basic kind gestures. Sometimes a simple smile can do wonders. I'm just so sick lately though, and without health insurance it is hard to run into the doctor. I always have these darn ear infections. In Mexico or here I always have them. ...

Tomorrow I have a Women in Film meeting and am hoping I will start working with them more, I find that very exciting. Next Sunday I am going to Corvallis to visit my son at OSU. This last Sunday my friends came and visited me. It was fun we had a barbque and hung out the whole afternoon. There are things happening but I'm just not feeling great. I missed my 3 Camera Production class last night because of it. I will now visualize health and try to remember God did not create a meaningless world. I feel like if I don't actually do the lesson fully I should not move forward...

walking the walk - lesson 13 to 14

2011-04-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

I write about being good and kind, about thinking forgiveness or learning how to clear all the crappy things out of your thoughts. One thing I am trying really hard to do lately is to really live this way. I've had periods in my life where I am very good at this with strangers and then I come home and am short and cranky with my children and/or husband. There is such a fine line between being kind with your children and letting them be spoiled. I've been trying to make time for my studies and make time for my people connections. My friend who passed has a son who is a troubled youth, and now his mother passed and that is like putting gas on a fire. I was a troubled youth largely in part because of my mothers mental illness so I can really relate. I've been texting with this young man but he doesn't really know me and is in complete grief and really hasn't responded, that is until yesterday. I told him (via text) that I had a deep feeling as if his mom wanted me to guide him. I told him about these dreams and visions I had haunting me for the week after his mom died. I don't really know him or his father that well so it is a little awkward. Yesterday he responded and he asked me to call him later. I was busy and started feeling sick so I didn't call. But today I had a great idea. I have to go into the sound studio at school to record some sounds for my sound design class. I'm bringing him with me. Additionally, I am planning to take my neice to the ballet. There is this program here in Portland where if you are poor you can get $5 tickets to a variety of cultured events like the ballet, symphony, and orchestra. Several different options. She is excited about that and I am looking forward to it too. I remember when I was little my aunt took me to some plays. We saw Annie and the nutcracker. Which I didn't really like the nutcracker but I LOVED annie. So that is my walk.

Lesson 13 I didn't really feel anything specific to it. However, I am getting an overall centered feeling.

Lesson 14: "God did not create a meaningless world" taken from The Course in Miracles, workbook for students.

Description: "The idea for today is, of course the reason why a meaningless world is impossible. " It goes on... " What god did not create does not exist. and everything that does not exist as He created it. The world you see has nothing to do with reality." Ok so that is quite confusing..."It is your own making, and it does not exist" Hmm even more confusing.

"The exercises for today are to be practiced with eyes closed throughout. The mind searching shoudl be short a minute at most. Do not have more than 3 practice periods."

It says that "The idea for today is another step in learning to let go the thoughts that you have written on the world, and see the Word of God in their place. The early steps in this exchange, which can truly be called salvation, can be quite difficult and even quite painful. Some of them will lead you directly into fear" I agree with this, this process can be quite scary, but since I've done it before I am ok going through it. "our direction is toward perfect safety and perfect peace"

This says everything... I don't really need to reinterpret this. I am certain I have lost most of my readers by now because this stuff is really hard and serious stuff, but also I want to document what I am going through. I am a little scared and this may seem irrational but that if I actually do achieve the peace that this is teaching and the level of forgiveness that jesus had... that I might move onto the next level which is leaving this earth. that is what is scary for me, because i think that my children need me, but I have to leave that. Perhaps everything is of my making anyway. that is what I am learnign.

sorry for the messy post but I ran out of time and have to go. Perhaps no one will even read this far.

existentialism... Lesson 12 to 13

2011-04-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

I just looked that up for some reason on dictionary.com -

existentialism n.

a modern philosophical movement stressing the importance of personal experience and responsibility and the demands that they make on the individual, who is seen as a free agent in a deterministic and seemingly meaningless universe

I'm not really buying into that but that seems sort of like the opposite of what the course in miracles is saying. In these lessons we will be shown how every action and reaction is in essence all about and for or against ourselves because we are all connected and we are all one and what we project is in our minds.

I struggle with this constantly because the world seems so real. But what almost no one can argue with is the sheer fact that everything we think about seems to appear in our lives. It doesn't matter who you are. It happens to everyone. So even if we put aside all the spiritual beliefs and the why, what, who stuff if we just decide we don't want to be scared and upset anymore and we want to be happy then it is clearly important to start with your thoughts.

I've got a terrible ear infection right now and do not feel like doing a darn thing. Today all I did was take the kids to school or bus stop and then buy a few groceries. There is this produce place that sells old produce that is mostly usable for very good prices. Cabbage 8 for a dollar, and celery 4 for a dollar all sorts of deals. A few weeks ago I got asparagus bunches 4 for 2 dollars but I had to cut off everything except 3 inches from the tip, It was still a nice luxury. I also got 20 packs of green onions for $2.00.

Well that was my day today, no school for me , and now I am just miserable with an ear infection watching movies on netflix. I just saw 8 1/2 by felini. What a trip.

I'm ready to move on to lesson 13: a meaningless world engenders fear.

Description: it says this idea builds on lesson 12 but also that there is nothing that does not have meaning. Ok I'm getting confused now. Then the exercise is almost the same as lesson 12.

Ok. I don't feel good so that is all I'm going to say about that.

immigration people - check this out

2011-04-27T14:12:00.001-07:00

http://www.entrywithoutinspection.com/

What were you thinking about this morning? Lesson 11 to 12

2011-04-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

My scar from My thyroid surery... healing up but still visible

So I love my camera... so much....like ... I want to marry it. So much when I see an ad in the magazine for it I want to kiss it. The below Amazon ad is priced over what I paid. I got mine for $888. sans lenses. ... Thats one thing I was thinking about this morning...I swear I must think about at the very least 5 things a minute. Sometimes maybe 100 things in a one minute. I think about philosophical shit. Mundane shit.Loving thoughts. Petty stuff. I was thinking about thinking this morning. I was thinking about which things we think about that are a waste of time. Such as comparisons, how often do we spend time comparing ourselves to other people in our heads. They have a better or worse art. They are nicer or snobbier then we are. They are fatter or skinnier or the same as we are. They are younger, more attractive, smarter, dumber, more wealthy, poorer, more spiritual, more opinionated. I mean, I really try not to do that, but I do. Isn't that a huge struggle? Those are all definitely wasted thoughts that could be put to better use. And another thing..... you see that picture of my neck. Why did they have to make that scar (from last September) not centered? And I'm not sure if you can see it, but underneath it just looks like a blemish its not its a red dot (scar). why did they have to poke a hole in my neck right there for drainage? Can't they tell I already have blotchy skin....? That thought is vanity right? Another useless thought I have.... is when I was younger, thinner, and better looking I used to get special treatment. I've just realized this in the past few weeks. I've realized I used to get special treatment, because I don't get it anymore. But the truth is, if you are young, large breasted and not terribly fat, and pretty to go along with it... you get special treatment. Since I hit 40... I just don't get it anymore. Isn't that weird that I got special treatment for 30 years and didn't know it? Example people do nice things for no reason, smile for no reason, give me free stuff, let me in for free. Do you know I got free weed for 20 years. I only had to buy it like 10 times and people just gave it to me. I didn't use much but I always had a piece put away in case I wanted it one day. More and more useless thoughts. Ok. Course in Miracles I am at your mercy! Please help me stop all this drivel that is running through my head on an average day. I succumb to you. I understand that "My meaningless thoughts are showing me a meaningless world" (lesson 11 by the way.)

Lesson 12: I am upset because I see a meaningless world. Taken from the course in Miracles.
Description: "The importance of this idea lies in the fact that it contains a correction for a major perceptual distortion. You think that what upsets you is a frightening world, a sad world, a violent world, or an insane world. All these attributes are given it by you. The world is meaningless in itself."

Keeping an even tempo look around you, what you see does not matter, as you look around you evenly say " I think I see a fearful world, a dangerous world, a hostile world, a sad world, a wicked world, a crazy world" Or whatever descriptions occur to you, even if you think positive descriptions. then say to yourself "but I am upset because I see a meaningless world"
It describes this saying that "what is meaningless is not good or bad, so why does a meaningless world upset you? "

do this 3 or 4 times.

My interpretation: Again and again it is basically getting us aware of our useless thoughts in order to let true god thoughts come in. It acknowledges that this may upset you by thinking it is a meaningless world but that once you can have pure thoughts you will be very happy. You know I've done these lessons before and I agree with them, I know where they are going. However, I must acknowledge the first times I did these it was scary. Because at the time I didn't know where it was going. Now I know what it is going for is to truely get you aware of how much wasted energy goes into these ego thoughts and thoughts that think the world comes first and we perceive it. What it is teaching is that what we think comes first and then our world.

My head is full of nothing (kidding) lesson 10 to 11

2011-04-26T16:24:00.000-07:00

This is a random dog looking loopy solidifying todays concept

So okay I get it, I spend my time thinking about meaningless stuff. I've been trying to feel this concept... the lesson 10 one.. "My thoughts do not mean anything." I just saw a note at the end of Lesson 10 it says "This thought will help to release me from all that I now believe"

I've had some different stuff going on.. Like the world has been all friendly and peachy keen since this term started. Which has been nice until last night when the same sort of competitive pretentious mean spirited attitudes assaulted my peaceful world. Wait, that must be another one of those bad thoughts ........ whoops well, I'm working on it. Today I've got to make dinner and get ready for my class so I'm just going to list the next lesson and work on that.

Lesson 11: "My meaningless thoughts are showing me a meaningless world. " referenced from The Course in Miracles, Workbook for Students.

Description: (re-interpreted): this one is very important it says because most people think that the world determines what we think but this is the first lesson that says what we think determines our world. The key to forgiveness lies in today's idea. Todays lessons you should start with your eyes closed repeating to yourself and then open your eyes and look close and far and repeat this idea. For about a minute or so practice very casually. This idea is the foundation for inner peace. you should practice between 3 and 5 times.

My interpretation: again I think this is trying to get us to recognize all the nonsense that is in our thoughts and getting us to basically start the way we think from scratch so we can be open to love and forgiveness.

my thoughts do not mean anything lesson 10 to 10 still yea another repeat

2011-04-25T01:46:00.000-07:00

When we went to visit mom Saturday

Well, again you may have noticed that I missed 2 days. Thursday night I was at Papas pizza and I felt moved to call my dear friend Mel. I told her that I thought her mom wanted me to check on her and then I told her where I was. And what was highly interesting is that the very last time Mel saw her mom, was there at Papas pizza in SE portland. I feel like I can pick up peoples emotions and yes maybe Darcy can still send me her emotions.

The night she died I was overcome by these visions. #1 was about how she died and #2 was Easter Seals, shouting at me over and over and over but I still don't exactly understand what it means. Darcy was a very spiritual person and The visions seemed to say how she died and that she wanted me to go to easter seals, which with research represenst something that she did in her life. Darcy was a cna at nursing homes. Easter Seals is a non profit organization that helps people with disabilities. It appears now days it focuses on autism but also helps the elderly and people with other disabilities. I subscribed to their email but still have not figured out what is meant. Now when I have this lesson "My thoughts do not mean anything" it makes me wonder if I should just ignore these dream/visions I get occasionally. I guess I just have to keep going to figure that out.

Friday night I got a chance to go out with my friend Ann. Ann and I are slowly becoming better and better friends. Ann is that wonderfully talented friend of mine who I know we are both headed in the right direction. See one of her paintings above. We decided to go to the free night at the Portland Art Museum and we were walking around all baked and sort of going in circles and we came across this live event where people talk about what these objects mean to them http://objectstories.pam.org/stories/. what I found immensely interesting is that these spiritual lessons had just spent several days talking about how objects don't mean anything and here I was spontaneously at this event where people talked about what objects meant to them. so so strange. Browse around that website and see if you can see a video. I saw mayor Sam Adams and I used to talk to him all the time when I worked for the city, that was before he was Mayor, it still is surprising to me that he is mayor.

Anyway, I need more time to digest this lesson. ttys

On April 20 at 4:20.... people unite in mind altering ways - Lesson 9 to 10

2011-04-22T11:44:00.000-07:00

This is either Jimi or Junes eye

So a few weeks ago I had some 420 and I was in the shower (thats where I can do that without the children realizing it - after they go to sleep) and I had an epiphany... I was thinking about the term "Mind Altering Drug" Ok so what isn't a mind altering drug. Coffee certainly is. Even if I am not hallucinating after a cup of joe I am certainly in a better mood, isn't that mind altering? I'm thinking what mind altering drug means officially is like anti depressants, weed, acid, hmmm peyote?? what else?? But in reality can't a cheeseburger and a coke be mind altering? Have you ever seen Super Size me, thats some serious addictions there.

Ok so thats not the point of today but I just thought I'd bring that up in honor of April 20th.

Yesterday's lesson 9 was, "I see nothing as it is now" so yeah I don't really feel this one, I'm not understanding what is reflected in my life that pertains to it, but it clearly states if you don't understand it that is all fine and dandy and appropriate, soooo I just won't worry about it.

And to compliment that very intellectual sentiment - todays lesson is (insert gigle here)

Lesson 10, "My thoughts do not mean anything"

Description: (paraphrasing) apparently all my thoughts are not my real thoughts. And, I have no basis for comparison but it will all make sense soon enough. It says the thoughts that I am aware of are meaningless. It kinda goes in circles explaining it but it says that the lesson is to recognize nothingness when you see it. hmmm. funnny.... There is some help though... it says close your eyes and repeat todays idea, then follow it with "This idea will help to release me from all that I now believe" Then you can go through everything that crosses your mind and say.. "My thought about ____ does not mean anything" this is especially useful with any thought that is distressfull.

My interpretation: basically it is still trying to teach us to clear our minds in preparation to have pure, joyous, god/jesus-ish thoughts/kindness/forgiveness etc. etc. ciao, hasta manana

Opinionated me - Lesson 8 to 9

2011-04-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

In puertovallarta junie taking photos 2009

Yesterday, I had the second of four counselling sessions. It seems a little silly because I usually figure out my own problems but it is kinda fun to tell all your little issues to a person thats being paid to sit there and listen attentively. I found out she has very similar spiritual beliefs I do which is great luck. This last session we were more like chatting about spiritual stuff. I've already got a ton of coping mechanisms. So we just talked about that and about my ability to make new friends. I've typed here about how I tend to shock people and scare them off when I first meet them. She gave me some pointers. What scares people off is telling too much about yourself too soon. I am not certain if I still do this, I know it was a problem in the past, and I did walk into her office the first time and tell her 12 years of problems in one hour. I seriously puked that out. But generally I don't tell every person I meet all my personal stuff. I do it here sort of anonymously. I realize that doing this blog is hugely narcissistic and I do divulge alot of personal stuff here that people I know may or may know about me. Anyway, she made some comments about my personality such as she could see why I may have issues in certain situations because I am opinionated etc, etc.. When she said this I filed it away. A few people have been telling me this on and off and I never really analyzed it. I guess I am opinionated. I'm here living in this body and don't see into other peoples heads and what their opinions are, so it is hard for me to tell if I actually have more opinions than other people but evidently I do?? I never really looked up the word until yesterday. In the past I just figured it meant ... a person who has many opinions.

Well, that isn't actually what it means... it isn't a positive thing... its basically a character flaw - according to dictionary.com

Opionated: obstinate or conceited with regard to the merit of one's own opinions;

I've been contemplating it and am happy that it has been brought to my attention that I guess I am this way and will try to be more humble. I know people like me better when I am more humble... But let me ask this... If someone doesn't believe in their own opinons what is that?

I think opinionated in a way may be against what I am trying to do with the Course in Miracles. Maybe it is all ego.....? but Not believing in your own opinions would be ..what..... lost? And I certainly am not lost. I have a very strong sense of self.. Is that opinionated? gosh I really have to figure this out... Well that is what this experiment is going to do.

Yesterdays lesson #8 was: "my mind is preoccupied with past thoughts" this is a period of self discovery for me. My world has already become more harmonious. I am happy to be - becoming more harmonious with the universe.

Todays lesson #9: "I see nothing as it is now"

Description: It says para phrasing here "though you can accept this intellectually it is unlikely it will mean anthing to you yet..the recognition that you do not understand it is part of the process.. 3 to 4 times today look around the room starting to what is close to you and say 'I do not understand this __telephone__as it is now. And move farther away from you.'

My interpretation: It is basically the same exercise from the beginning trying to drill in your head that we put our own meanings and expectations projected outward. And I need to continue practicing until I get this ingrained into my thinking.

I still see only the past - No I reject that - Lesson 7 to 8

2011-04-20T10:37:00.000-07:00

Me back in 2000

hubby around that time rockin a mullet

So you know I decided to put yesterdays lesson on hold and contemplate it longer. I'm glad I did. Nothing seemingly miraculous happened. With the exception of this little postcard type advertisement I found sitting on the foot of my bed yesterday morning. The postcard is for one of the Mexican boutiques that sells Bridal wear and Bautizo clothing etc. I do not know how it got there. Immediately I started thinking the worst.

If you are new here you don't know that before I married my husband we had a tumultuousness relationship. We actually broke up 10 times in the first 2 years. My friends didn't think it was going to work because we were so different. My husband is 6 1/2 years younger than me and he was only 21 when I found him.... or he found me? Ok we found each other. So in that first 2 years I was in love with someone else and told him I was not going to fall in love with him. I even advocated and demanded an open relationship for quite some time, until he pressured me,"be with me or lose me". So like 6 months in we were boyfriend girlfriend for longer bouts, then we would argue and break up and see other people (or I should say sleep with other people). On a few occasions he did not wait until we broke up to 'see other people'. I went to Disneyland with my ex husband for a week (totally platonic) while I was gone my dad died. During that time he cheated on me driving my car. And another night like a year later his cousin/best friend, Me, and my Son were sitting having dinner, he faked a fight. This was like the fall of 2000 we were having dinner and I was telling a story or something and out of no where they both said that I called him a "bastard" and then got up and they stormed out and didn't come back till 5am. I knew where they went because I put my son in the car in the middle of the night and found the club they went to, but I couldn't go into the club to confront him so I went home and waited. At about 5 am he shows up. Then I freaked out and made him admit he cheated on me and still did not break up with him I ended up waiting until he went to Mexico a few months later... but thats a whole other story.

Ok thats the background, since we got married in 2001 I have not had any reason to think he has cheated. He has been a good husband, not just good, wonderful. With the exception of that one story when we first got to Mexico and he went to that red district bar and danced with a working girl. But all it takes is a post card on the foot of my bed to jump back to those suspicious feelings. When I saw the post card my first thought was, I actually let him go out late last Saturday, I didn't really want him to be out till 4am but I have gone out with my friends several times in the last couple years and he hasn't even gone out 1 time. I mean it must be like 6 times. So the way things worked out his brother wanted him to go out and they did and he came home and I was pretty mad he stayed out till 4 because we all know what can happen at 4 oclock in the morning. But he was only a little buzzed and had a plausible story... and.... well... I trust him now..

That is until I noticed a postcard on the foot of my bed, my first thought yesterday morning is that he met a girl and she gave him this post card and he planned to call her and accidentally left it on my bed.

Ok so here is my issue. "I see only the past" it is always this chicken and egg thing I have been having problems figuring out. Do I make things happen? Or do things happen and I am psychic. After all these Course in Miracle studies and Creative Visualization and The Secret and everything I have learned and advocate for I think my belief is.... what I focus on makes things happen. So I'm going to put away those feelings about the post card and focus on my marriage and being happy. I certainly don't want him to cheat on me so I have got to drop it now. On the other hand I think I'll just destroy that post card, But at the same time I'm going to stop checking our cell phone company website to see if he has called the numbers on the post card and just let it go.

"I see only the past?" no I want to see the present... I want to be in love and harmony all the time.

Lesson 8: taken from The Course in Miracles "My mind is preoccupied with past thoughts. "

Description: Right off it says "No one really sees anything. He sees only his thoughts projected outward.... your mind cannot grasp the present which is the only time there is..... ... the only true thought about the past is that the past is not here..... when thoughtless ideas preoccupy your mind the truth is blocked"(its a good one you should read it)

My interpretation: Yeah I was onto something. If I want to achieve pure love and joy I have to let go of thoughts about the past.

See you tomorrow - adios.

I see only the past - Lesson 7 repeated

2011-04-19T11:07:00.000-07:00

This was dinner while we all sat around talking Sunday

Let me see.... its been great these last days because I had much to write about.... Let me go back to yesterday... what was I doing..(remembering now).... OK. I caught up on my blogs and then my Sister-In-law came over and I helped her apply for some jobs online. Then I continued editing my fka "Call me Cupid" Movie. Which I pulled from the internet - because I'm going to perfect it before I release it to the public. And then I went to class last night. On Monday Nights I have this class called, "Multi-Camera Production". We are learning how to film an event with 3 or more cameras. Soon we will film the Art Institute of Portland Fashon show. I already did that event The Circus Project back in December, so I figured I might as well learn the official way to do things. So far it looks like I did everything correctly.

Yesterdays lesson was not coming to me easily. Not until today. I really am feeling like I should take an additional day with this one because I have already had a sort of negative experience and I want to explore it. Again today... when I look around I need to remind myself "I see only the past."

I'm just going to keep working on my homework. I watched Thelma and Louise last night I need to diagram it out, I have to watch The Usual Suspects and write an analysis. And I need to finish editing and uploading "Twisted Cupid" which is the new name for my most recent short previously named " Call me Cupid", I may be doing a Sound Design Edit on it. I love my education!

Thats all for now. (sorry for the list-ness of todays post :)

back with 7 to 8 tomorrow.

I'm upset because I see something that is not there - lesson 6 to 7

2011-04-18T11:26:00.000-07:00

Mom at McMenamins - Kennedy school

Junie Pelunie looking so innocent

To be honest this lesson I could not for the life of me remember. But we had a nice day regardless. We ran around all day visiting people. Usually my hubby and I are not the "drop by to visit" kind of people but my term at college has been so easy so far (thanks to my visualizing it so I think) that we had extra time to go visit people. We took mom on an outting, See her squinting at the menu.....I had my Ruby Beer - which is a berry beer I think. And we all had some burgers. I was not able to apply this lesson the way I was supposed to. The only spiritual lesson that happened was about 6 or 7pm. I got a text from a fellow classmate/friend who has helped me on a few projects, asking for a favor to be driven to Vancouver. My first response internally was yes. Because I read somewhere if a brother asks a favor, it causes more (karmic issues) in your own life if you fight it, than to give the favor. But I was worried about what my husband thought. My friend had been kicked out of his dorm and didn't have anyone to give him a ride. He had too much stuff to take on the bus. So I checked with hubby and we both agreed, as long as he pay's gas no problem. It ended up being a nice time. And we got to visit one additional person - one of our relatives in Vancouver. Funny how lately I'm going to Vancouver a lot.

only crayon in focus - with sunset reflection

Jimi closeup

And Yesterday we had a family barbeque which was very nice,.. We all ate and talked all day long. We kept having to force the kids to play outside. Because they all wanted to sit on the couch.. "NO go outside its not raining its warm enough!"

Lesson 7 (I'm one day behind) "I see only the past." Taken from the Course in Miracles - workbook for students.

Description: It says this idea is hard to believe. But it is why nothing that you see means anything. It is why you have given everything the meaning that it has for you. It is why you do not understand anything you see. And it is why you are upset because you see something that is not there. It talks a lot about time You really need to read the book if you are trying to do this. It is fascinating. You need to go around the room and acknowledge that you see only the past in each item you see.

My interpretation: It is trying to teach us that time is not as perceived and our reality really isn't what we think it is. So by slowly deconstructing some of our basic ideas about what we are experiencing, we will ultimately find our real connection to god, as the lessons proceed.

A final note on this - if any of this makes you very upset or uncomfortable you may want to get the book and do it at your own pace. Its taken me 11 years to get comfortable with this. Or even start with the introduction book.

I'm never upset for the reason I think - lesson 5 to 6

2011-04-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

Jimi while we are walking home from Headstart - not related to article

I'm 2 days behind on this but I'm still plugging on and I'm going to catch up now - Weekends are busy for me. On Friday I started noticing that because fear is a major issue of upset, or maybe THE ONLY REAL issue that causes upset I was being faced with things I feared. Its like once you bring up an issue it shows up everywhere.....

I would have to say that my biggest fear is child abuse. Before I left to visit with a my friend I decided to flip through the stations in the living room and I come across Oprah. This particular show was about how a police officer had saved a little boy on a hunch even though the social worker said there was nothing to worry about. The little boy was being abused in so many ways. I don't want to get into it but it really freaks me out. I cannot stand the idea of children being hurt and the lesson that day was I'm never upset for the reason I think. So I kept having all these horrible things pop into my mind.

Truthfully, my mind is usually pretty peaceful, I long ago mastered the morbid thoughts issue and so it was surprising how many fears kept popping up in my mind that day. My dear friend Melony invited me to go and have a drink with her. Melony is my friend who's mother passed away a few weeks ago. (her Mother was my friend also). Mel lives in Vancouver and I in Portland so I had to trek the I205 bridge to get over there. I've been over in Vancouver quite a bit lately but at this time I was faced with the strangest fearful sensations. While I was on the I205 bridge. (Here is a tidbit about it from wikipedia 205 bridge - Portland to Vancouver, Wa) The bridge is almost 2 miles long, there is an island in the middle that supports it and has gigantic supports all the way. At the time I was on it, it was getting dark and there was traffic filled on both sides, each side has between 4 and 6 lanes of traffic. That evening it was the busiest I've ever seen it, probably because I rarely go on that bridge but regardless, I started having all these terrible ideas run through my head like what would happen if there was an earthquake? I NEVER want to wonder these sorts of thoughts because I truly believe thoughts set things into motion. So I kept saying to myself a mantra of " I'm not upset for the reason I think" to make it go away. A few minutes later I was at Melony's and everything was fine. We had fun and I got home by about 10:45 pm.

When I'm doing these exercises things tend to get worse before they get better.

Lesson 6 quoted from The course in Miracles Workbook for Students: "I am upset because I see something that is not there"
Description: Do it similar to previous lessons, apply it to anything that upsets you. Always remember there are no small upsets. They are all equally disturbing to my peace of mind.
My interpretation: Every time we are not feeling joy and peace and we are worried about small things, or critical of someone, or angry, stressed, the list goes on and on we are not in the purest state that god actually wants us in. So start noticing when you are upset and realize there are no small upsets. And that I am upset because I see something that is not there. The following lessons will explain it.

I must adjust how I am doing this... #4 - 5

2011-04-15T11:36:00.000-07:00

Ok so I think what makes more sense is that I will talk about how the previous days lesson affected me and then I will type up the current lesson with my interpretation.

So yesterday's lesson was "these thoughts don't mean anything." Yesterday morning ... I was.... you know.... worrying about the health insurance issue and I had to finish watching Goodfellas for a class and do this thing called a "Plot Segmentation" which basically just points out all the main turning points of a movie - I had taken 16 pages of notes and didn't have time to transcribe them.

I rushed downtown to meet the girls for lunch. We have just started this new thing, Thursday lunches with the girls, 4 of us Female Film Students hanging out. We are a rarity. So while I was with one friend Kellie waiting for the other 2 friends at this place called Little Big Burger. (They give you thick tiny burgers... )Guess who comes in...? George this guy I worked with on my internship on the feature film I worked on in December. Wow that was nice to see him! He's very cute. Anyway, I was very happy to see him and then he left. The troupe is off to Puerto Rico soon. Sounds exotic... Wouldn't that be fun to travel around working on movies... Can't wait till the kids are bigger so I won't feel guilty about that.

Anyway so we 4 girls sit at the little table in the crowded tiny restaurant and chat. Sometimes we talk as a group. Sometimes we talk in 2 groups, over the top of each other and with each other. We covered ton's of subjects in 40 minutes, but mostly Female Film Student Issues. We are a select breed you know. The farther I go in the program the less females there are. Anyway, I suppose I'm rambling.

Then I go to my Film Genre's class and we guess what... we watch movies and talk about them.. What could be cooler?

Then afterwards I stayed for a club. Yes, I'm 40 and I stayed for a club. It was Improv. for Animators. Now you know I am not an Animator... so I'd been greedily looking at that club sign for MONTHS. Until I recently read the fine print... you don't HAVE to be an animator, all are welcome. So turned out Kellie went to that too. It was fun and well a little flat? The normal group wasn't there and the organizer was clearly disappointed that she was having trouble maintaining a group of regulars. Just to give you a picture of what it is... we do activities like "Whose Line is it Anyway?"

First off I want to point out that WHEN I am doing the course in Miracle lessons... my life just comes alive with interesting and meaningful issues and situations. Yesterday I'd been trying to remember the idea that my thoughts do not mean anything all day, especially when I would worry. So after I got home I had this realization that.... WHAT IF???? I lost my health insurance because very soon I will not be in the poverty level and won't be able to qualify for poverty level health insurance anyway.....? How's that for ya? It could be couldn't it?

I think often when something that we perceive as being negative happens we dive into our fears and forget what could the bigger picture really be here. It could very well be that...

****Ok so todays lesson I waited until right this moment to read it. Lesson 5 - from the course in Miracles Student Lessons:

"'I am never upset for the reason I think'

Description: When you sense that you are feeling pain, fear, anger, worry depression, think 'I am never upset about ___ for the reason I think'. You can also say 'There are no small upsets. They are all equally disturbing to my peace of mind'. Look into yourself for what ever is bothering you and repeat the main idea. Do this for a minute or so - 3-4 times during the day."

My interpretation: This is trying to get us to realize how much senseless fears and worry we go through everyday, we spend way too much energy worrying about useless stuff.

Be back tomorrow - PS the photo was from the tree by my apartments....They are everywhere right now.

Lesson 4 - thoughts - and health insurance

2011-04-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

So today is lesson 4, it "These thoughts do not mean anything. They are like the things I see in this room."

Description: it says start by just paying attention to your thoughts for 1 minute. Then if you come across unhappy thoughts use this idea to apply to them. But to label your thoughts good and bad is missing the point of the exercise. After you examine your thoughts you then can say "This thought about _______ does not mean anything it is like the things I see in the room".

My interpretation: Again it is trying to break down all the busyness that has us disconnected from god and from love and forgiveness. These lessons are still very young in the concepts, so you have to just let go (if you decide to do this) and relax... This should not be scary, I read somewhere. If it is very scary maybe you are not ready to do this. But even so paying attention to your thoughts is very important for everyone.

We should all be paying attention to the crap that goes through our heads.

Soooo yesterday I had my first shakeup. I was very elated by my experience of the morning and then in the afternoon I found out I lost health insurance. And that is unsettling because I take many medicines for hypertension, thyroid, arthritis, etc. So I found myself trying to use these exercises to calm myself. Like today I am still scrambling to find a prescription drug assistance program in the meantime. I figure as long as I get my prescriptions worked out everything will be fine. But it is scary. Not feeling secure to go to the doctor when you need to is very stressful.

So I tried to use these concepts and everything happens for a reason during my Scriptwriting class last night and you know what... I was very happy. I love that class and was able to let go the attachment I had to those feelings for a few hours.. But I woke up and felt stressed again about it. Thank god for todays lesson - my thoughts don't mean anything.. :) .... here's to trying. I am always trying to stay positive.

On another note... I decided today to start posting a photo a day. This is a snapshot of my vans. Yes Vans. I am 40 years old and I bought vans. It all started when I was working on the feature film and the producer had these awesome shoes... and so yeah... I bought vans. I know I am "trying to dress like a 20 year old" but oh well, I like it. I'm not wearing mini skirts anymore... that was my thing up till like 37... I'm tooo fat now.

Ok. so lets see how todays lesson works all this meaninglessness in my head.

365 day blog posts (lesson 2 & 3) - and daily stories (2 in one sorry its so long)

2011-04-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

oK, SO THIS is inspired from The course in Miracles - Yesterday I wrote about lesson 1 but it was actually my lesson 2.... so here I will put what lessons 2 and 3 are so that we are on the same page and I will also try to post the little miracles that happen in my life at the same time.

Ok, lesson 2 for yesterday was "I have given everything I see in this room all the meaning that it has for me."

Description: Its the same as lesson one where you look around indiscriminately and repeat this to yourself. Be careful not to be compulsive about it just try to do it with a clear head.

My interpretation: This lesson is on the way to detaching you from your illogical attachments to everything we see. I did that lesson yesterday and I went to class and it was a good class.

Before the 2 week break between terms I was stressed freaking out and all sorts of stuff and now today I am feeling great. Classes seem to be going more positively and I think I got my groove back.

Though yesterday before I left for my Sound Design class I was having problems printing and I couldn't get my computer to do what I wanted it to do. so I'm freaking out, worried I'm going to be late and I grab everything and instead of bringing a dvd with my latest movie on it I brought the whole damn computer. I'm rushing downtown and I get to class exactly on time. There was an inclass exercize where I had to add sounds to a movie clip and I think I did well. It turned out I didn't even need the item I was freaking out about printing, nor the video that was on my laptop.

Isn't that just the way life is. I used to be a master at not resisting difficult things because usually they are happening for a reason. The REASON I couldn't print and the computer was slow was because I don't even need those materials until NEXT WEEK. When things are going really difficult maybe that is the universe's sign that it isn't meant to be the way you are doing it.

Ok so to get us up to date... todays lesson is #3.

"I do not understand anything I see in this room"

Description: This is done in the same way as the previous 2 the idea is to clear your past associations with things and to understand that I don't actually understand what I am seeing.

My interpretation: I think I know what I see and that I think I am looking at solid objects and real things... but really it is all like the Star Trek Hologram deck.

Today - I went to a counselling apointment. I have never actually been open to doing counselling. I tried once years ago but at the time it didn't feel like the psychologist had anythign to offer to me. But with the death of my friend who was also 1/2 of my (friend) emotional support system I decided I needed to dump out all the stress that was in my life.

You know what? I really recommend it. I mean I usually try not to dump all my stress on people because I think it just makes the stress carry onto them. And in truth I usually am the person who hears people problems. But to go and use an EAP and talk to someone who you don't know and there job is to just help you help yourself its kinda cool.

So i go there and I dump everything in a puking out story since my dad died, driving to mexico love lost, quitting my corporate job, having more children, selling the house, moving to mexico, immigration issues, more immigration issues with Canada, college, stress, dificulty making friends, having problems with small talk and telling people too much too soon.. you know is why I started blogging in the first place. 45 minutes of me just letting it all out and a couple tears. And we set another appointment and I walked out feeling a little bad for dumping on her but she said it's her job... and then I went into the trader joes and looked around and picked out some bananas and some apples and tortilla chips and then I go to pay and the guy could not read the apple lable and its said "pink Cripps" and the guy and I started joking that the cripps took over an apple orchard and they are out there in there t-shirts and guns spraypainting the trees...

We had a little laugh and I told him I'd never been to trader joes and he reached over and grabbed a peanut butter chocolate bunny and gave it to me...

there was a time when every single place I went I would get something free.

I am so getting my groove on...

I love the course in miracles.

change your attitude and change your world - lesson 1

2011-04-12T12:08:00.000-07:00

Keeping in mind many spiritual concepts that I've been trying to remind myself of... I am once again seeing my world change rapidly. At the end of my last term of college I was feeling high levels of anxiety, remorse about moving into apartments that don't have adequate heat, that had pests and rodents, and a really high electric bill. Guilt about my mom being injured at the facility where she lives. Yeah.. I was feeling all levels of guilt. I live my life very honestly and usually I don't have any issues with guilt. I started having this feeling like I just did not like many of my classmates.... eww, yucky feeling. to carry all of that. And then my dear friend Darcy died. Darcy is the mother of one of my oldest friends and is my friend too. And I think a lot of the anxiety that I felt had to do with her impending death.

So needless to say I started drinking a little more than usual. I have drank like 6 times in the last 2 weeks, which is a very large amount for me. I've been trying to release that stress. The other thing I've been doing other than green is reading my course in Miracles.

It doesn't really matter what spiritual path you take for your life... clearing your mind of junk really works, thinking positively really works to make miracles.

So back to where I started here, I have been remembering that everyone is me. I mean I am the driver of my own universe so everyone I see and how I perceive them is all me. I prayed to have a positive experience at college and already, I feel the kindness. The guilt I was feeling, according to my reading has no place. That's up to you whether you believe in guilt or not but The Course in Miracles clearly says that guilt is just another crutch of the ego. And personally I really like the concepts. Today I started my lessons from the course in miracles that tries to help you re - learn how to think with pure love and forgiveness, its starts very plain..

The first lesson is "Nothing I see has meaning" I know that seems really weird to look at it that way, but the way I take it is that we put whatever attachment we feel onto the things we see when all that really matters is love, so to help you clear your mind lesson 1 is to look around your environment randomly, not compulsively 2-3 times during the day and pick out random objects and think to yourself, nothing I see has meaning.

I remember years ago when I first did this exercise it must have been 10 years ago. I felt a little lost with it. Like ... "what do you mean it has no meaning" but when I did this process in 2009 when I moved back from mexico, time actually collapsed and gave me everything I wanted at about the daily lesson 32. There are 365 lessons, and it is one of those things where if you are ready for it you are... if you are not you're not, when the student is ready the teacher will appear.

However, in the very least - if - you want to be happier - the first step you can do is to realize that all our hopes and frustrations are projected onto everything we see, if you can stay positive in your mind, your entire world will change. We hear and read it over and over and over but you just have to commit yourself to it - you can do it!

word.

The opposite of joy is depression

2011-03-30T12:35:00.000-07:00

Some time ago I highlighted parts of The Course in Miracles and when I get lost I go back and read them, if I remember or like now I stay in a state of anxiety for a few weeks before I find myself coming back to the center. My course in miracles book is falling apart and highlighted and really bad shape, I just decided to buy a new one. The one thing though that I put a piece of tape by and highlighted is this:

"When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him you see yourself. As you treat him you treat yourself. As you think of him you think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself. "

This is one of the most difficult things to do, for me, other than controlling my thoughts. This is in essence another way to control your thoughts and remember that our world is what we make it and if we are attacking people in our minds we are not being forgiving and we are essentially attacking ourselves...

well I agree with the course... what do you think?

Raining on my own parade

2011-03-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

I desire to be uplifting and fun, I desire to be helpful and insightful, to help others to get through rough times. talking about misery only causes more misery. Well that is what I always think. I try to be positive and think I want to put more positive energy out there. But Saturday a dear friend died and the same day I got a call that the new place where my mother is at had her playing basketball and now she ended up in the hospital again.

for gods sake.

good news I moved and I got my full $800 deposit back. That is nearly a miracle. Other good news items are going on ..... I pulled my my new short film so that I can make a few edits but most people like it that have seen it. I do have some good stuff going on but I am all knotted up about losing my friend. the whole thing was crazy and I may write about it after I feel a little better.

Last week I cried

2011-03-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

As always I've been consumed by my art and education, and then fill in every waking moment with my family. Sooo - in the evening of last Monday ( 3/7) right after my wardrobe class I got a call that my Mom had been assaulted. If you don't know, my mom is severely mentally ill and lives in a home with 15 other mentally ill residents. She is harmless and seems about 25 years older than her age. She has aged about 25 years in the last 5 years. I'm convinced now she has dementia. However, back to the story. The first call was that another resident attacked her and pushed her down, she had some scrapes. I didn't rush over right away. Then I got another call saying that once she was changing with the assistance of staff there were bruises and scrapes all over her body and one on her head. I had mentioned after the first call about her brain surgery last year that if she hit her head she needs to be checked. Then I got a call that they were taking her to emergency. Then I got a call that they were at the hospital and she had a broken shoulder and a scrape on her head. and then later that there were 2 hematomas (blood pockets on the brain)

So 5am she was transfered to a different hospital to the trauma unit. I went over there and stayed with her all day. She was so feeble. the worker from the place where she lived was very honest with me and told me exactly what was REALLY going on in the home and how she had been worried about my mom for some time. that is before the management tried to change the stories. ..... At the end of the day they finally took care of the so called SCRAPE on her head, which was actually a very deep puncture, she had to get 5 stitches. and the neurologist said there were no new hematomas. which is suspicious to me because I think they are thinking more cost benefit on this, since her baseline is so bad now....

The employee at the home where my mom lived told me that the resident that did the attack - gets very agitated and had been agitated for several days. That resident has a history of targeting people, for a few days she had actually targeted staff and attacked staff. and they left this resident alone with my mom.... where my mom was duped into helping her and then punched and thrown down the stairs.

Also my mom has documented weight loss of 30 pounds since October, she is now only 100 lbs. In my entire life she has always been more or less 150/160...... up until the last few years she did start losing weight. Which I think is a dementia symptom. Now she is in limbo trying to get placed somewhere appropriate. I am pressing charges against the resident that did it. And I think there is a case of neglect with the home. I was very happy with this place, before that. Because the employees obviously care about my mom. But the management and Psychiatrist dont care as much, they are more concerned about legalities and costs etc. But that first day in the hospital was hard on me. I felt somehow responsible because I am her guardian, she is so incredibly thin and deteriorating rapidly and at the end of the night when I had to leave she was in bed all bandaged up and I said mom, I love you and I have to go, and she looked up at me with her gigantic betty davis blue eyes and said, "I'll be ok"

fuck,

I'm sorry, for swearing.... but that has got to be the saddest moment I have experienced in a long time...

And I'm in finals and I just moved and my new apartment is not weatherized and we are very cold and my and my electric bill is 4 times of the last apartment and.

I cried all the way home, when I saw a homeless person asking for money on the freeway off ramp I was crying, and when I got home I tried to explain to my husband I can't be the strong one today.... and then when he got pissy with me I exploded and I told him that I warned him.... I can't be the strong one today. and I went to sleep. It took a few days to get back to being the strong one....

... well I'm just trying to stay positive...and .... please pray for her and me if you believe in that. Thanks and god bless everyone.

** today 3/18 she was put into a new home but it was very sad. The place is very nice for her but I can see her deteriorating rapidly. She has been saying she is blind in one eye, I thought it was her delusion but today I got a good look into her eye, and in the middle of the iris instead of black its blue. but the place is nice.

whats shakin with me?

2011-02-24T19:34:00.000-08:00

Well I'm 40 everything is shakin. I had a bazar dirty dream last night. I moved to a new apartment with a patio for a garden, and a fireplace and room for my childrens to ride their bikes. Its snowing here. I'm working on a charity project for Girls Inc. and I'll post it soon. Its still in the draft stage. And...... I just got my very own movie/photo camera the Canon 60d. Life is good. School is easy this term. I've been meeting all sorts of industry professionals. Anyway, I have tons of inspiring thoughts all the time but no time to write them up. ttys.

Want Arizona style legislation in your state? Think Again.

2011-02-18T13:14:00.000-08:00

see article at:

http://immigrationimpact.com/2011/02/18/some-states-%e2%80%9cjust-say-no%e2%80%9d-to-harmful-immigration-enforcement-laws/

Some States “Just Say No” to Harmful Immigration Enforcement Laws
By Seth Hoy
Arizona, Copy Cat Legislation, Enforcement, Immigration Blog, SB 1070, State and Local Immigration Law Add comments

If Arizona had its own television show, the warning “don’t try this at home” would appear after every commercial break. (Cut to tumbleweeds and Arizona businesses pulling their pockets inside out) This week, some states—like Virginia, South Dakota and New Hampshire—actually heeded that warning and rejected a host of enforcement measures targeting undocumented immigrants. States like Oregon, Colorado and Maryland are even introducing progressive, common sense immigration proposals that benefit their state. That is, of course, not to say that other states like Tennessee, Oklahoma, Kansas and Arizona aren’t still pursing harmful enforcement legislation, but they do so in full light of the social and economic consequences—consequences for which Arizona and other states are still paying.

This week, the Virginia Senate subcommittee rejected 10 of the 12 House-approved bills targeting undocumented immigrants, one of which was HB 2332, an Arizona-style enforcement bill. Critics complained the proposed bill would foster racial profiling while others, like Virginia Del. Scott A. Surovell, commented that the GOP’s current immigrant-focused enforcement strategy is like “a longterm kamikaze mission” given the states growing Latino population.

Similarly, South Dakota’s House State Affairs Committee voted 11-2 earlier this week to reject their Arizona-esque immigration enforcement bill (HB 1198). Mayor Mike Levsen commented that city police just didn’t have the time to investigate “the status of a single person,” while Tom Barnett, Executive Director of the State Bar of South Dakota, highlighted the potential burden to state taxpayers. “We will get sued,” he said, “and we will lose.”

New Hampshire also briefly jumped in and out of the immigration enforcement ring this week when the House Committee on Criminal Justice and Public Safety recommended the early death of HB 644. While not exactly an Arizona copycat law, HB 644 included a bundle of enforcement provisions targeting undocumented immigrants.

On the progressive front, both Oregon and Maryland introduced immigration bills that would allow undocumented students to pay in-state tuition—tuition that goes a long way in funding the states’ higher education systems. A similar bill, SB 126, cleared the Colorado Senate Education Committee this week and now goes to the Senate Finance Committee.

But even states introducing proactive immigration laws are still capable of moving forward with Arizona-style laws, regardless of the bill’s viability. Colorado state Senator Kent Lambert filed SB 54, an Arizona-esque bill, this week in spite of the fact that a similar bill (HB 1107) was killed over fiscal concerns in the House last week. And lawmakers in Tennessee considered three immigration proposals this week—one of which allows police to “question the citizenship of anyone lawfully stopped”—even though a recent poll reveal that more Tennesseans think the economy should be their top priority.

In Kansas, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (an old hand at crafting anti-immigration legislation) and Republican Rep. Lance Kinzer introduced an immigration bill modeled on Arizona’s SB 1070. Kobach believes the bill will pass with a conservative House and a Republican Governor, but others think a moderate Senate, opposition from business groups, and the way Arizona’s law plays out in the courts is enough to hold the bill up.

Oklahoma’s Senate committee approved two immigrant enforcement bills this week in a party-line vote, one of which (SB 908) legislators call “Arizona-plus” due to the provision that allows police to confiscate the property (homes and cars) of those found to be in the country illegally. Despite claims that the bill is “mean-spirited” and a distraction from more important priorities, the measures will advance to Oklahoma’s Senate Appropriations Committee.

And for the crown jewel of enforcement legislation this week, we go to SB 1070’s birthplace, Arizona, where state lawmakers proposed a bill (SB 1405) that would require hospitals to check the immigration status of patients. State Sen. Kyrsten Sinema made the point that this bill would place an undue “burden on hospitals to act as immigration agents” while retired doctor, George Pauk, asked why the state would want to “stop sick people from coming for health care?” State Sen. Russell Pearce (author of SB 1070) responded with this nugget of wisdom, “We’re going to enforce our laws without apology.”

It’s that lack of apology which makes this slippery slope of state enforcement legislation all the more frustrating—the lack of apology to the taxpayers who will ultimately foot the bill for these laws, and the lack of apology from Congress for their continued failure to put politics aside and find real solutions to our immigration problems.

Photo by Phoney Nickle.

MTV skins is more true than people want to believe

2011-02-14T01:21:00.000-08:00

That new show on MTV called skins... really says alot about todays youth, I heard there is a lot of controversy about it. But I also think that our society is barely coming aware of how true these situations are. Kids really are experiencing this stuff.

In the last 10 years, I have heard the story way too many times, that this child and that child have ADHD or on medication for depression. ven my highly intelligent son who is in college now was recommended for adhd medicine in first grade. I was like "Hell no!". He's a kid....

I think there is this idea that we must categorize everyone and figure out exactly what they are like and then treat them appropriately. I personally believe that we, meaning society, has drifted so far from the true reason people get depressed, and the true nature of our actions.

Like ADHD... what about food alergies? Sugar affecting kids in a bad way? And who would want to give a small child speed which leads them down a path of drug addiction for the rest of their lives. Its like saying you are flawed, I don't have time to try harder to deal with you, I give up on you.

Depression. Ok, my Mom is seriously mentally ill. And I know that she has a brain imbalance that with the trials and erros of 30 years of taking medicine has totally fried her brain. But, I've also had many discussions with her psychologists about the fact that medication cannot make a manic episode go away, it can only calm her or tranquilize her and make her easier to deal with for staff. On the flip side how much damage has been caused by those same medicines. My Mom is so irreparable now, I still wonder if the medicines are the cause.

Now lets go somewhere in the middle. Sleep issues? I've been having sleep issues and I am starting to think it has to do with the pain reliever I've been taking. But more likely it has to do with the fact that I am so busy busy busy doing a million things and I have problems relaxing because I have a million things to do. Should I now take a sleep medicine to make me sleep? Then god knows what I'd do then, since I am already prone to sleep walk. God no.... I will never take that stuff.

Or Depression - I personally feel that the true cause of most depression is loneliness or a loss of faith in life..... Laughter really is the best medicine as well as hope and belief that everything will be ok. I think depression comes from the lack of those things. The feeling of being trapped in a life you don't want or being paralyzed with fear to go for your dream. OR even achieving your dream and then not knowing what to do. Sometimes its from just having everything be pretty good and still not being satisfied because every day is the same...

What solves depression? A new pill that pharmasuetical companies can make millions on? No I think what solves depression is faith and hope, and a general feeling that everything will be ok. I'm not pushing religion I'm just suggesting that each person search for true meaning and a faith that feels real and natural for them. ...

I know that my days of where I feel like I don't belong or that things are out of whack where ever I go, are directly proportional to my inner dialog. If I get back to being centered and my position of faith my entire world changes around me. If my mind says, everyone is beautiful, and I am in a loving environment I am..

I know I harp on this alot but I just want everyone to be happy. If you are intrested in more of this I suggest reading the book creative visualizaiton by shatki gawain.

The first time I read that it was an uttlery amazing magical experience because my entire life was turned upside down int he best way ever. It was like magic.

Turn Around - 1 minute comedy

2011-02-12T21:19:00.000-08:00

Check out my new short - I wrote and produced it, as well as did the editing.

Breathe - Final shorter version

2011-02-07T14:22:00.000-08:00

Here is the final updated version of my Short film Breathe from December.

A story about a girl who is trying to make it in the US and her mom wants her to come home. Everything looks like its falling apart, until hope arrives. Written, Directed, Produced, Art Design, and Edited by Heather Dominguez DP, Juliano Aneli, Aaron Nelson, lighting/sound Assistance /girl with baby - Kellie Wilson and artwork by Ann Tseng, Photography by Thorington Photos, sound from freesound.org

There is a family party going on at my cunada's and what's on my mind

2011-02-05T19:26:00.000-08:00

And I decided to come home to do homework. a couple new things:

I found this site bidcactus.com it looks really cool but if you search bidcactus.com and the word complaint everyone says its a scam. I was thinking about doing it until I read that.

I'm re-editing my short from December.

I'll be filming a dialog scene on Monday at school, I have some ridiculous ideas but no one seems interested.

I am convinced there truly IS sexism in the film industry I found alot of information about it. But I am a go getter and a forgiver and plan to use peace of mind to battle it. There is some interesting info here: http://womenintvfilm.sdsu.edu/research.html

I've also noticed my peace of mind has not been strong lately and I've noticed that I have issues with alot of people. I see people at school that I want to avoid and I know there are alot of people now that want to avoid me. I know that means only 1 thing. I am not centered and not at peace with my world.

One cool thing I found awhile ago is that on FB you can like "The course in miracles" and everyday you get wonderful little reminders on how to stay centered.

I still like Mary Mannin Morressey but lately she seems too commercial always pushing for people to start being a spiritual leader by taking her courses.

I'm now taking this class that is taught by Kami Gray a Film/TV/Commercial wardrobe stylist and Costume Designer, AND.... I'm supposed to be doing homework but here I am writing notes instead.

Also I'm working on some other charity work for Girls Inc. I'll post that once I get it done.

Ohhhh I'm going to buy my very own camera pretty soon. I'm so so sosososo excited.

Anyway, I just thought I'd drop a note. I want to connect with people on a more frequent basis, and I realize my blog is all over the place, but I just have a wide variety of interests.

Oh one last thing, have you ever heard how if you fight something you are faced with it more often, I need to succumb to these people that I don't want to see because at school all the people I don't want to see are showing up more often then the people I do want to see. I just need to start reading a course in miracles again. I should join a local group....

who has time huh?

adios

PuertoVallartaGirl in Portland

The Circus Project Charity Event "Induldge"

2011-02-04T22:09:00.000-08:00

Here you go, here is a fun circus show that I produced the filming of, as well as edited. There is a fantastic juggling show in the middle.

Making some head way in the Immigration Court of Appeals Check it out!

2011-02-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

Legal Action Center American Immigration -

Federal Court Upholds Immigrants' Right To Reopen Cases From Outside the U.S.

I also read another article from the Legal Action center saying that "Board of Immigration Appeals Overturns Previous Ruling,
Narrows Grounds for Deportation"

At least something is moving forward.

My love affair with shoes and Maslow's Psychological theory

2011-02-03T12:52:00.000-08:00

When I was 13 Grandma told me I needed to be careful with wearing high heels because it could mess up my feet. But who listens to Grandma at 13? In the 80's from age 13 and on I was running around almost everyday with high heels on. Today the ZZ-top style popped into my head and I could not find the exact look of the 80s but I used to wear stiletto heels with these little bobby socks. This style is adorable, but on a 13 year old. Wow. Its funny how you look back at yourself and think, why didn't someone stop me?

Anyway, when I moved to Mexico I condensed my 52 pair down to like 10 pair - but now I've somehow built it up again. I buy high heels but the problem is, I am more comfortable in tennis shoes. Now days I wear vans and sketchers. Thats because I go to college with a bunch 18-24 year olds but I secretly really want to be wearing heels all the time. The reason I don't is because it is so painful I'd have to be medicated to do it, thanks grandma, wish I'd listened. If I could only lose 20 lbs and wear heels all the time and work out 3 times a week. I want those things. oh my god....
How weird. That reminds me of a post I wanted to write about Maslow's Hierarchy. I think your psychological level changes by where you live or are forced to live. When I was in Mexico I was seriously in the Safety category. After I came back I was in Self-Actualization. I've mostly been in Self-Actualization, but then because you get used to all these American Benefits and you get that sense of entitlement that all Americans have and have no idea that it is happening now I am stressing out about Love/belonging. What is your biggest concern and where are you?

ONE THING I hate about Adsense are the Racist ads on my page

2011-01-31T11:35:00.000-08:00

If you see an ad/Poll for personalliberty - show up on the right of this page, I'm not sure if it will help but please vote against what they are suggesting. They are doing a poll, which has been taken primarily by White republicans, I'm sure, that suggests the nation follow in Arizona's footsteps with racist laws. It is so insulting after what happened with the shooting of the Congress Woman
http://www.npr.org/2011/01/10/132764367/congresswoman-shot-in-arizona

It is amazingly clear that the poor victims in that shooting which was a result of this racist campaign and politics going too far that all the hatred causes eventual violence. When will it stop. if you see it, maybe go in there and vote NO you don't want that in your state, and NO immigrants aren't taking US Citizen jobs etc. etc.

Adsense you put the WRONG AD ON MY page, I need to figure out if I can get that off my page.

This happened one other time Adsense put that border patrol show on my page. That nat geo border patrol show that shows latino americans brutally arresting latino's who are trying to get back to the US to be with and support their american children. Even more ironic they are latinos arresting latinos in an area that used to be Mexico.

Those psychotic neighbors are challenging my self control

2011-01-31T10:34:00.000-08:00

So, on an everyday basis I would say I am someone who blurts out almost anything that is on my mind. And usually it is not a huge problem because I am usually thinking thoughts of harmony and kindness. However, I have these psychotic neighbors that I have written about here before. They are freaking out on me all the time, because, I have kids. And kids make noise sometimes. My children are basically well behaved and pretty quiet. But they do jump occasionally and run around and sometimes I get into screaming matches with my 8 yearold because she throws a tantrum.

A few months ago they freaked out because the leaves of their tropical plant were falling off and they were convinced that my children were picking the leaves off. Somehow as they screamed in foul language at me, my sister-in-law, and our two 4 year olds, I stood there calm and patient. We both tried to keep it light hearted as they got more and more aggressive and psychotic on us. And seemed as if they would get violent.

We walked away shaken and surprised and then the lady even screamed at me several more times, and somehow I was able to keep my cool though out the experience.

The whole thing started because of that plant which idiots that they are, the leaves were falling off because of the cold. DUH! It's called Fall for a reason.

One day early December I was filming a short and one of my crew stepped within 4 feet of her door and she opened it up and I said to my crew, "oh yea, I forgot that lady does't want people by her door" , she say's really loud, "That's right Bitch" in an aggressive way.

During Christmas they did something really weird too. They had previously thought my children were touching their plant, which is untrue, my children are NEVER out there unsupervised. So during Christmas time they hung up 3 indoor type stockings on the rail, and put a wrapped box on a little table. It was as if they were trying to lure our children over there?

I was able to get over that because we want to move anyway, and well, those people have something wrong in their brain. Either they are paranoid drug users, which they don't look like it to me but their behavior seems so or they are completely racist, because they are black, and hate white or latino people? Or they really have mental problems. I've been trying not to buy into their anger and let them affect me, but it has taken months to get over their aggressive behavior. Finally within the last month I've got my mind right and to feel neutral about them.

However, last night at about 12:30 am I hear this really loud slamming in their closet, they were taking their closet door and slamming it into the side of the wall. It woke me up abruptly. And everything was quiet enough that I could hear the psychotic guy yelling. He was ranting about us saying that we were loud in the middle of the night. Which we were not. Using all sorts of foul language in an aggressive and angry way. I've already put my 30 days notice in on Saturday. In the moment I wanted to slam the wall back. I wanted to make alot of noise this morning and I had some fleeting thoughts. I see their car and I want to run into it. But I don't and I keep my mouth shut.

The reason? Well, it is some type of spiritual challenge for me. And I don't want them to be under my skin. They are messing up my polly-anna attitude. I keep having those mean thoughts to get back at them, but I don't want to be that person.

Have you ever seen, "What the bleep do we know". http://www.whatthebleep.com/ It is a pretty trippy quasi - spiritual vs science movie filmed in Portland. Becareful if you look for it on youtube because there are a few fake versions. It has this cool example where it shows that every person you see is the feelings and emotions you have inside yourself. So if that is true, why are these people haunting me. Well I suppose it doesn't really matter why. It only matters that I recognize that and combat it with kindness or just ignore it right?

Busy busy busy in Portlandia

2011-01-25T22:48:00.000-08:00

Why is it I have a way of creating an impossible schedule. This term I only have 3 classes and 2 are super easy. Somehow I've got myself all tied up with charity work. The theory is between the internship, charity work for The Circus Project and now some volunteer work for Girls Inc. (all filming or filming and editing work) I will get some good references and then in the near future start getting paid for it.

All is well with everything else except that I have not been giving my husband enough attention. After 12 years we need to work to keep the love alive - and I swear what is going to get that feeling back is to just buy a stereo (I left 2 great receivers in Mexico)

I want a stereo.

My husband laughs at me - but I think if we had a stereo in the house we would dance and if we danced - I will get that romantic feeling back. Its been all work and no play and I just don't know why I keep doing that to myself.

I am just seriously determined about my career...

Also I have a new idea about changing the focus of my webshow. I'm just not far enough into dogs to pull off the dog webshow"Vegas takes Oregon". I'm not motivated to do it because I'm not into dogs. Now I'm thinking on doing one about how to keep Portland Weird. Piggy back on the success of Portlandia. Have you seen it..? It is excruciatingly funny.

Check it out - here is a music video but the show is skits that are sort of like SNL:

1996 laws BREAK UP families - same story but this time a Canadian who lived here since he was 2

2011-01-19T10:10:00.000-08:00

http://newsjunkiepost.com/2010/12/05/immigration-hysteria-gone-crazy-deporting-a-resident-of-50-years/

Exercise Poem - from last term

2011-01-16T14:05:00.000-08:00

My teacher seemed to like this poem. OR POE --- EM as she pronounces them. I think it is rather silly but here it is:

Exercise poem
fish,
I’ve been thinking how…
I wonder if fish get angry
satisfied Flounder
sautéed Salmon
how mad they must be
chicken of the sea
such an insult
falling when a hook
catches you

dip, stab, white pain
the fear of my own black montage creeping
into my vision
while I drive
down the freeway
splash in clouds
make it go away
run away from those
cold black sentiments

mother of newborn
scared of dropping baby

as I walked down the grocery isle and he held that baby, while over his shoulder
that baby smiled
and I smiled
the next isle again
we smiled
again the next
we smiled

Jimi explaining Wall-e

2011-01-14T22:11:00.000-08:00

getting memories online

2011-01-12T11:56:00.000-08:00

So right now all my video taking for the last 7 years is finally paying off. I've been documenting my families events and now with the TV's that connect to the internet, even my husbands family is finally online. For the last few days I've been converting videos which were originally in Hi8 camcorder - later converted to DVD with a recordable dvd player, and now I'm converting to .avi and uploading.

Its been years in the coming and earlier when people thought I was annoying now they appreciate it. This kind of stuff is so time consuming. No one ever has the slightest idea of how putting pictures online and organizing photos and videos takes some serious time. My husband always thinks I'm playing on the computer, when I'm working on a family legacy. I mean if I die who would think to get these videos out for everyone to share? I have videos of my father-in-law before he died. All my nieces and nephews when they were little. Etc Etc.

The quality is terrible after being transfered so many times, and it was before I learned about photography but they are our families legacy. I hope Youtube lasts for ever.

Breaking news of 17 being shot in Arizona - suspiciously looks like from anti immigration people

2011-01-08T22:28:00.001-08:00

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-gabrielle-giffords-20110109,0,961233.story

check fox News - too

I hope that the anti immigration people see that this is insane. We are talking about people and families here fighting for equality and fairness.

Come on... no one should support this type of actions the radical people that are trying to take away birthright citizenship have to get real. please. this is so horrible.

Looking for subjects for an Immigration Reform Documentary:

2011-01-07T14:04:00.000-08:00

I am currently in pre-production on a Documentary about Mixed Status Families and how the US Immigration Laws are affecting American Families. I am looking for the following couples that the documentary will be based on:

one couple where the husband or wife was in the US for several years waiting the arrival of of their husband or wife.
one couple that were basically forced to move to Mexico because the US Immigration laws denied immigration benefits based on the 1996 laws.
one couple who have been denied benefits and live separately, but are still hopeful and want to be together but cannot due to the 1996 laws.
one couple that lives in the US the husband or wife is a US citizen or Resident alien and the partner is in the country illegally and either cannot file for immigration benefits or has already been denied due to the 1996 laws.

If you are reading this and have some questions about what this would require make a comment and then we can email about it. I am doing this project voluntarily and have no money of my own, so in order to get the costs covered I need to get the project outlined and planned out and then I may be able to get crowd funding or some sponsorships.

There would be no pay but it would be doing a service to help your cause by showing the american public that the current immigration laws are harshly affecting US Citizens. In the case of people in the US Illegally we could disguise them somehow or do it in silhouette. In all cases I would come to you and interview you in your home. This would happen probably sometime this year. You would be required to sign a standard appearance release.

Why is Birthright Citizenship right for the US?

2011-01-07T12:45:00.000-08:00

What I want to talk about today is this Birthright Citizenship issue. Apparently England does not have birthright citizenship. That is just a rumor I asked an english person about it in December, but I have not researched it. And in truth it may be right for their country because England is a very old country - unlike the US.

Right now you will see that many Senators and Legislators are fighting to change the citizenship laws here in the US. We need to think about this very clearly. For one second stop thinking about what they THINK they are doing and think about why did we start birthright citizenship in the first place......

Birthright citizenship started because radicals were trying to say that the children of slaves were not US Citizens. They even went as far as to say anyone of African decent was not American.

The US was started as a melting pot of all the countries of the world. How can certain people change the rules any certain point in history.

The US is and has always been a compilation of all people of the world. It reminds me of my children playing. My daughter is 8 and my son is 4, and she will be playing a game and change the rules periodically to suit her needs.

That is not how it works. We need honesty, equality, integrity and fairness.

Birthright citizenship is a foundation of our country.
Here is a group of people that have joined together as humanitarians and leaders to preserve our civil rights.
http://www.civilrights.org/press/2011/civil-and-human-rights.html

Mary has another great message

2011-01-04T11:40:00.000-08:00

Hi Heather,

As we are in our first week of our brand new baby year, I want to remind you what it means to be a vision keeper. A wonderful German philosopher said, “Treat people as if they were what they could be, and you help them become what they are capable of being.”

We are vision keepers for anyone we know when we hold them to the highest point of view in our minds of what’s possible for them. We hold a vision for them as others are holding a vision for us. We can all remind each other when we’ve lost sight of our vision.

We can think of each other in the highest point of view.

Hold The Vision,

If you like what she says you can sign up for her daily emails they are a nice reminder. Mary Morrissey dream builder emails

Visualization and how it works for me

2010-12-31T14:34:00.000-08:00

So if you've been following since I started this.... you would know that when I started this blog I was at the very end of my money in Mexico. My friend Melony came to visit Puerto Vallarta the last week we had anything extra, the last weeks when our truck ran and my health was stabilized but still wasn't doing very good. I proceeded to blog for the next few months after that and somehow stay positive through one of the toughest times in my entire life, we ran out of money, our truck broke down and we didn't have money to fix it, we had Christmas with about 20 dollars I made and got paid the night before Christmas and went to the dollar store and tried to fake that santa clause came and put ornaments onto our plant.... and the kids were young enough and bought it.

Well I'm writing this because I remember those days when it was hotter than a... mother... bleep, and we walked down the dusty sidewalks of Puerto Vallarta - in the neighborhood behind the Marina Wallmart where our house was. We walked to the local church and we prayed to Jesus and the Virgin of Guadalupe, we prayed to the statues, and enrique was stressed out because the kids were hungry and they were running around and I went in where the Jesus was and kneeled on the ground and I prayed. We were so humbled with being beaten down, we had that great house, but -0- money, we were trying to sell the house but the realestate market had dumped....

Those were the days when I couldn't cry because I had to be strong, those were some of the toughest days of my life. and I ...... believed things could get better. And... I visulized what I wanted. And I stopped talking myself out of what I wanted based on so called "reality" and economics. I stopped going with the plan and listened to my heart. On April 6, 2009 I told Enrique I wanted to go back to Oregon and I just plain and simple had faith everything would be ok, and April 8th, due to some crazy luck, his sister loaned us the money and suddenly I was there, and 12 hours after I arrived I had everything I needed.

So I had this dream, and decided to say... screw my Health, I don't care, if I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die trying. If I got sick when I was on vacation for 2 years, I might as well be working my ass off doing what I love, so I did, I got financial aid and went back to college.

Here is my point ------ exactly 2 years after we got THAT BROKE. Where we had to borrow money on a credit line from the corner store in order to eat in Mexico, to Interning on a Feature film, with real industry professionals.

That is the miracle of visualization. I still have my Santa Barbara mansion designed in my mind, I have everything designed down to the last details. I'm even thinking of changing the carpet in the media room. It's so funny that I've spent so much time in this mansion in my mind that I'm already redecorating.

Its time for me to Make a NEW God can (its a can that you put requests into and let go) and re-align. I love these breaks in busy ness, they are imperative. It is important to be busy and it is important to reflect. Thank you god. Thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you for your miracles.

quiet house - no homework, no work but still up at 1:11 am

2010-12-30T01:22:00.000-08:00

Its weird having to get back to being normal. I was running around for 6 weeks at high-speed and loving it and now... everything slows down and after a few days I was seriously trippin out. It is very difficult to switch speeds from High to super low in like 2 days.

Now I have prayed and meditated on it and made peace, had the relationship check in conversation. something like....I still love you and want to make everything fun and sexy again,, you? we've sort of been distracted and not exactly paying that close of attention to each other and I noticed I've been drifting so .... lets both keep making an effort to keep this great.

I am faced with a = do we have to have this conversation again... look
and I clarify, that this is important so that we never get to the ... its tooo late point.

so anyway, I stayed off the computer while hubby was awake and he was sweet to me and treated me very sexy. and ..... I'm up at 1:23 am doing the computer. But its ok I've been sleeping in till 10, vacation ahhhh.

This Friday night 12/31 - will be 12 years since the day we met. He was 21 and I was 27. This Friday we plan to go hang out at a friends house with her and her new boyfriend and play games and sleep over so that we don't drink and drive. I am hopeful it will be fun and romantic. Because my friend and her boyfriend like to dance too.

I fell in love with my husband because of how he dances, and stayed in love because of how soulful he was.

Here is to making marriage work. It does take effort, we both agreed, and we also agreed its worth it and we both still want to make it a priority.

God bless you and peace to the every day working people who find happiness in the little things. thats keeping it real.

Breathe - Extended Version - starring Nelda Reyes

2010-12-19T23:57:00.000-08:00

Untraditional Student a poem - new version

2010-12-13T23:04:00.001-08:00

Untraditional Student

label me

with some clever verbiage

using wordage

with me in mind

tell me you don’t agree

with your actions

factions and

sarcastic sign

you cannot prevent my

presence from permeating

pure smooth

and contemplating

my attitude confuses

but I’m still standing

regardless of where that

sign is landing

look at me and look away

it’s ok

you can’t shake my faith

its like a stock brigade

listen listless lonely learner

to the sound of hope

rising high

the look of triumph in my eyes

life can throw me down,

but I don’t go down

standing here determined

it can be unnerving

so go ahead and

label me