Thursday, May 19, 2016

Where does my Chronic Illness Come from? An introspective look at possibilities.

I was carrying a tall, round, overflowing laundry basket through the living room and I thought, What got me here? What actually brought me to this point of  Chronic Fatigue and dissatisfaction with my life.  I am dissatisfied because I'm tired of being chronically ill.

I used to write in my journal almost every day and then in 2008 I started a blog and slowly after that my writing dwindled down and dwindled down. It is weird how we limit ourselves when we write out in the public.

In my research of illness, I've come across the ACE test, here is an article about it on NPR. I'm not sure where I originally came across it.  You can take the test here on an article on NPR and read more about it here

When I did the test just now I came up with a 3 it could be a 4 but the questions are sort of open for some interpretation.  It is because my mother was mentally ill and gone 2/3 rds of the time before I was 18.  We were often very poor, on an off. Once when I was 15 we were homeless for a few months when we moved to California.  My father was an alcoholic but it wasn't a problem alcoholic.  My father did cuss and yell about stuff but it generally was not directed at me.  Only if I was being a brat.  I was never abused physically, sexually, or mentally but those other things actually do add up.

Now, I wonder if that has something to with my chronic illness.

I used to think that what made me get sick was my IUD. I had a Mirena IUD put in in Fall 2006, I started getting very sick in mid-2007 in Mexico.  I developed Hypertension, kidney stones, back issues, stroke, etc etc.  But now I'm not so sure.  I've had the Mirena out since 2010.  One reason I thought it was the Mirena IUD was because through 3 pregnancies I never once got pregnancy Hypertension. One reason I'm doubting it now because since I got the Mirena out I haven't gotten better.

I've only gotten worse.

Also as far as the kidney stones something interesting happened, for my entire drinking life, the desire to drink hard alcohol and not being able to stop drinking was very strong before the kidney stone episode.  Not only was the desire to drink stronger but the hangovers were much worse. From the time I drank in my teens through that kidney stone surgery, I would have the most devastating hangovers. I could have a glass of wine and get a terrible hangover. I could drink 10 shots of tequila and have a terrible hangover. These hangovers were where I literally felt like I was dying. I'd puke all day long, turn green, be in complete agony until late the next day about 9pm.  After the Kidney stone surgery, I can drink and I don't really get a hangover. Now, it's like what people always told me hangovers were like, you just feel a little tired and groggy. But I rarely drink now anyway, because of the longer term health affects.

I'm always seeing this thing about forgiveness and people who don't forgive get chronic illness - here is the mayo clinic about it  But  honestly, I've forgiven everyone I can think of over and over again for years. I really don't feel like I have any grudges that I can recall.  Occasionally I get pissed off about things but who doesn't right?  Back in 1997 I went through this whole thing where I wrote letters to all the people in my life and physically spoke about any feelings I had about injustice done to me.  Any people I didn't talk to I mentally forgave them. I've even forgiven my first mother-in-law for all the nasty things she did. Wait I'm just thinking.... did I ever forgive my first husband?   Whoa.  hmm.  let's get back to that.  Ok. Fine, I'm going to go through the list of people I might want to forgive.
  • My mother, for being ill and not being able to be a mother to me.  I am re-forgiving her now, but I feel I've already done that.
  • My father, my one family member that really means something to me, for dying when I was only 27.  I mean who can blame him?  I am still sad about it now when I think about it. I mean, I don't think I'm feeling resentful. I am sad. But of course, I forgive him. Who can blame someone for dying when they are very very ill from cancer. 
  • Myself, for stupid things I say or do. I do forgive myself. For not being understanding enough with my children, I forgive myself. I mean I try as best I can to be the best mom I can, I forgive myself when I mess up.  
  • For my unrequited love in 1997, I think that part of my life was meant to happen so I could prepare for this marriage I have now. A growing entity of love and companionship.  
  • Mean people that I've worked with, there was once this lady named Joy Templeton, and I worked with her at Chicago Title in Portland Oregon. I was the newbie in this escrow office and she just made my life hell. I think it was some sort of jealousy. I've always thought that. The only reason I've thought of it now is because I was trying to think of people who were purposefully mean to me.  Ok, I forgive her. I just did it. But it has never been plaguing me.  
  • A guy who bullied me when I worked on Grimm.  I guess I haven't forgiven him in my mind but I will now. done.
  • My friend who messed up our friendship when I worked on Grimm. Adriana. Done forgiven. I feel like I'd already done that.
  • I've had many people who treated me sort of snottily in my life  and I forgive them.  I think being an empath I just feel weird emotions around and I can't put my finger on what it is.  Wait can that be part of it? 
I feel a little lighter thinking of people I had difficult interactions with and mentally forgiving them. But, I really can't think of any people I am holding grudges with. I often go through my mind and send out forgiveness and healing and bubbles of love to any person that crosses my mind. 

I know one thing is for sure and that is if you hold grudges or don't like someone you will continue to see that person over and over and over until you let go of those feelings. What you resist persists. So what I do is let go of any grudges I have, so I don't have to be faced with seeing people I don't care for, over and over. In a way, you could say forgiving is selfish.  Because it releases all that baggage. 

What about how I pick up other people's emotions?   

Here is an interesting article about how being an intuitive empath can affect you. Maybe it is time to finally take seriously healing my chakras, or doing acupuncture.

Last year, when I got a little better, I had been listening to the Abraham Hicks recordings on youtube.

Here is a link to some of my favorites.

At the beginning of Summer 2015, I had gone to a naturopath who threw me into a light depression, because he said there wasn't much he could do to help me.  I had all my hopes pinned on this naturopath and that appointment.  I had waited for a few months to see him.   I thought he was going to really put all the signs together of all my symptoms. He didn't he just gave me some suggestions about digestion.

So then in September 2015, my best friend Laura said I should try Diatomaceous Earth. I started taking it and almost immediately felt better.  Then I started learning about what Diatomaceous Earth was doing and it is supposed to be taking heavy metals and parasites out of your system.

Then I got obsessed with the fact that I might have parasites in me. I started to take the Now Foods Green Black Walnut Tincture.  I started getting better and better, and I felt like a normal person, I was certain it was because I was eradicating parasites our of my body. But then, I don't know what happened. I think I overwhelmed my liver. I started getting fatigued and I would stop taking the tincture because you are supposed to have a break. I would get worse and then start taking the Now Foods and feel a little better. But then nothing was making me get better like I did in December. 

And then since January, I have been getting worse and worse. In addition to all the things listed in this post:, I've developed new problems:

  • My liver enzymes are elevated.  I have Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver
  • I've had swollen feet constantly, and itchy.
  • I now have Dupuytren's Contracture, which developed this year. 

One doctor helped me figure out that Amlodipine, one of my blood pressure meds, was causing the feet swelling.

I got a Lyme Disease test and it was negative. Igenix Western dot.

Most recently I thought I needed to investigate into if I have Cushings Disease - So now I am waiting for my result of this 24-hour cortisol test.

I just want to know what is wrong with me.  But maybe I'm looking at it wrong maybe somehow it IS spiritual thing....?  Maybe that is the problem maybe I spend so much time trying to figure out what is wrong with me.  It really is chicken and egg though because if I don't have enough energy to do anything, how can I get out there.   

One thing that occurred to me is how I'm still working on the Near-Death Experience project and I think it is very important, but I'm also not expressing myself in other ways. I'm not being truly authentically, genuine about my life and writing about it, or creating from it.  

I do want to write. Maybe I should take some online creative writing classes? I'd like to write some fiction stories that are based on my life, or my memoir. 

I heard a spiritual interpretation of health problems on one Abraham Hicks recording and that was that if you are not doing the things your soul needs to do, and moving at the speed you need to be moving, your energy gets bottled up and can manifest as health problems.  

It is so hard because I know when I started on the Near-Death Experience project, now called Consciousness Continues, it was 200% what I was supposed to be doing and I am convinced I have to finish  it before I can move forward. But my health problems are making that difficult. With the strokes and fatigue, and tumor in my thyroid, and kidney stones, and hypertension and GERD, and all the things that make me sick I have thought that I would die before I finish.  I'm still alive and I'm almost done and then there is that part of me that thinks I might die as soon as I finish it.  That scares me a little bit. I didn't think I was scared of dying but I am only scared because I think my children need me. 

Right now, I live my life like a terminally ill person. I have good days and bad days. 

Thats all for now. 
Puerto Vallarta Girl in Portland