One thing I've noticed since I started this cleanse or whatever you want to call it, is that I am thinking clearer. My husband thinks that I am just complaining more about our relationship. Suddenly things that I have put up with for a long time are bothering me. I mean I want to be treated considerately. I guess that means in his eyes I'm being more bitchy or sensitive. And of course he takes everything so deeply personal as if everything is an attack on him. If he is doing a behavior and I ask him to change his behavior that is a call out of his behavior right? or am I wrong. So one particular thing that happens in our love life, I have pointed out that it isn't fair and it has been going on for nearly our entire relationship. He says, "Well divorce me then." This year everytime I try to bring up anything or when I just want to get us having a dialog again he has come out with that pretty easily. I would never say that so easily, you know.
Let me tell you about how this started. A week and 1/2 ago after I had been on the ginger for a few days, it was Friday night and he just came home from work. We were sitting at the dinner table eating, and talking about going for a bike ride after dinner. Suddenly this guy, who is his 2nd cousin, and he hadn't talked to for awhile pulls up outside. My husband walks out and talks to him for a second. Then he comes in and says he is going to go with Domingo - that is the cousins name, for a little while to look at some work they need done on his brothers house. He also says that Domingo is going to drive him. I say, "Why don't you drive your own car?" He says, "Cause Domingo wants to talk about it on the way there." We have been through this scenario a few times and I know that it means he will just disappear and not be home till late. But I just let it go. During the time that he is gone until 11pm, no bike ride happened by the way, I proceed to decide that I am sick and tired of being treated like that. Especially because in the few preceding months before this he seems to continually make plans to go work, or check out jobs, or help someone without any notice to me. Now I am sure in his mind, I'm sick all the time and it shouldn't matter. But I may be getting so upset about this because I am feeling better, and clearer and during the time I've been so very sick, I really don't have any friends to hang out with.
When he comes home at 11pm he was drunk, he rarely ever does that but yes he was drunk. I was very mad. I asked him to sleep on the couch and he refused. I begged him to sleep on the couch and he refused again. I threw the pillow at him. He jumped up and grabbed my wrists and spoke to me in a very hateful way. Then he laid back down and apologized for being like that. I said his behavior was like he was cheating and I asked again if he would sleep on the couch, he started calling me "Freak, Freak, Freak, Freak" in a really verbally abusive way. We never carry on like this so it was very upsetting. I threw the remote at him. He jumped up and grabbed my wrists again and said something, which I can't recall I just remember the look in his eyes and the way he was sort of projecting an angry intensity at me. Then he laid down again. Finally, I went on the couch. About 20 minutes later he came out to apologize and I asked him to leave me alone. I slept on the couch. The next day he apologized multiple times.
We still haven't resolved this but I do love him and he feels he is trying hard to show me how much he loves me. But in a way I've become even more sensitive about him being gone all the time. He thinks he is doing his best and I'm being overly sensitive.
I'm thinking maybe I'm just feeling better....
Break - I just saw a humming bird outside my window. I wish I had my phone handy to take a photo. Here is a photo of my garden sans humming bird.
|the little garden outside my office|
So after our discussion and him saying, "Divorce me." I didn't sleep the best last night but mainly cause I had to go pee repeatedly. Lastnight he did tell me he didn't know why he keeps saying that. He just doesn't know what to say and feels hurt when I say things that sound like I'm not happy.
I woke up this morning and laid in bed looking at Facebook. Bad I know. OMG have you seen this - Bad lip sync videos? So funny -
Then I got up and again I feel like I really would enjoy going for a walk. But instead I took my pills, vitamins, and DE and came in here to blog. But I think I'll get out there now. It's still beautiful here in Portland Oregon.
I weighed myself 185.8 - up a little, waist 36.25 same. I like the way my body feels though like its slimming down.