Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Marriage journeys - Quotes running through my essence

I really dislike that right now tons of things are going absolutely fabulously for us and I feel too busy to enjoy it.   The short version of my films is doing well. I've gotten into the Portland Film Fest and my film is screening at the largest venue available. We closed on our new house last week and recorded on Friday so we are homeowners again. Though we are renting back for 9 days, so it doesn't feel like it yet. Even better news is we found out our house payment will only be 86 dollars more than what we pay for rent right now for a very crappy 2 bed 1 bath apartment in a not very nice area. 

To the quote "No man is a failure who is enjoying life", William Faulkner. 

Something has happened in my marriage that I knew would happen, through the years of getting my BA and kids and projects and working towards a career, and buying a house again, and all the things that life throws at you, we don't spend very much time together. And I knew*(know) that the happiness in our relationship is strictly dependent on us spending time together.  So gradually we have started to grow apart. Neither one of us wants this of course but we find it more difficult to understand each other the longer this goes on. And yes I love having these skills of film-making. Skills that just four years ago I didn't have. I love being able to express my art in the utmost professional of ways. 

But the journey has taken a toll. The title of this blog once again applicable to where it all started. I started this blog because the drive to Mexico took us 8 days with 2 small children. And now again the traveling through these past 4 years has been hard. They have been good too but with having many health issues at the same time as being a woman of 42 years old and a rather needy wife. It has been hard. 

Lately I've been reading a book called the 5 love languages and there really is something to it. The book concludes that there are five broad categories that people feel love.  One of the ways that I've always wanted to be shown love is in grand gestures. It could be because as a child my dad would always surprise us with grand gestures. He would always do a random thing big. Like instead of  going to the beach with little buckets and shovels he would bring full size wheelbarrows and five gallon buckets and build a HUGE sandcastle. Now the sand castle wasn't all perfect but it was huge. Anyway, my point is through the years I have made slide shows, mix tapes, letters, stories, movies, all this type of things spending hours and hours trying to show my husband how much I love him and usually he will see it and then go "oh thanks" and turn and walk away.  It is not because he is being mean it is because the way he feels loved is affection and acts of service. So if I make him dinner, iron his clothes (which I rarely ever iron), massage his back, cater to him, he will feel loved.  

When we were first together I used to do a lot of these things but I never felt the love back and eventually after years and years and years and college, I stopped doing most of those things. He on the other hand will make me lunch or cook me something at times when he is trying to show me love. At that point it is me who is like "ok thanks"  We are both trying to show our love but the other person doesn't hear it. Here is the issue the one language we both speak is quality time. When we both spend quality time together that ends in Sex we are both very happy. He emotionally starts opening up we talk and I feel loved.  There in lies the catch 22. He's been working 6 days a week. So we can buy this house and so he can support us. And I'm feeling like a single mom wanting to pull my hair out and run from the house screaming, largely due to summer break. 

I occasionally read the blog Americas Next top Mommy and recently she went on a missionary trip to Ethiopia. Once she made it back and started acclimating back to American life, she was appalled at the trivial complaints of Americans.  So I know that my complaints are not on the chart like when I was dying and penniless in Puerto Vallarta. Believe me I know. 

The issue is how to stop this cycle of chaos. My eldest son says to take some time off. But I only have 3 more classes until I fulfill this dream. 

I know I need to pray and visualize and meditate. I need to get off my smart phone and spend more quality time with people I care about.

but sometimes I feel like this - 

Everything we planned for our lives for years has come about but now I want to get back to enjoying it.

We planned to to sell our house and  move to Mexico and buy a house and fix it up and if we decided to stay great if not we'd come back, maybe we'd make money or maybe we'd be poor. If we were poor I could surely go to college because I would be low income not having worked for a few years. After a few years we'd be eligible for a first time home buyer program again.

So all that has happened - wanna hear the next part of the plan?  We are going to be rich and have lots of homes and vacations.  It would be so funny if that actually happens. I am just supposed to be ridiculously successful and fully express my true art.

Well anyway, so much for my ridiculous complaints. Next week when we move into the house I hope everything will be wonderful again. There is a nice yard, double garage, 3 bedrooms, 1 1/2 bath. A much larger kitchen with a DISHWASHER!!! Which we do not have now.

And Maybe I can start painting again and making films because of the love of the art form.

I still have a few projects to finish.  I'm thinking now my career will be as editor so my life in front of a computer is sealed to me now but I'm not sure I can be on set because my back just can't take it so it must be the best bet for me.

Well that is all for now sorry if my problems are stupid I've just been feeling like I need to get my head straight. Like - why am I not happy... ?  I've been happier when I was a stay at home mom clipping coupons and taking care of my husband.

PuertoVallartaGirl in Portland