Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Out of Place at the film fest, can check that off my list now.

So because my film is screening on Saturday when I'll be on a film shoot, I will not be able to be at my own screening at the Portland Film Fest.  I talked my husband into going down to the opening night events tonight and maybe have a few drinks, and perhaps mingle since it might be important for my career.

We head down there and the streets were packed with cars but we lucked out with a close parking spot. NW 21st was shut down and they had acrobats in the street performing. They even had the red carpet set up.  I had been told to pick up my passes and packet at will call. So we fumbled around for a minute and went over to the will call line. They didn't have my name on the list but they hand wrote our passes. When it was our turn to get photos taken on the red carpet the lady said "You can just walk through" 

"I'm a filmmaker I want to get our photos taken" 

"Well if you want to. " She said... awkward but we did anyway. 
*this is me just after we got back

Then Jay Cornelius, the Program Director and a former instructor of mine,  who is turning out to be quite kind said "they're filmmakers" and waved towards us.  I doubt the red carpet photo turned out well but I am hopeful for a miracle. It occurred to me later that perhaps they just want photos of the young and beautiful (and thin - weighing in at a hefty 180 = that I am not). Then I saw a few people that I vaguely knew but don't really care for and we didn't say hi. This worsens that awkward feeling.  I also saw one acquaintance that seemed busy and I felt too shy to say hi, yet again deepening awkwardness.
He wasn't actually sleeping he must have blinked :)

When we entered the theater one sweet friend of mine Katie Palmer a local costume designer recognized me and said hi, so that helped a little. 

We saw 2 short films and one feature length documentary. If you've read my blog then you know I am an accidental film snob.For the first film I applaud the effort they were attempting. It was called Pas De Restes, its about a wealthy family coming to a restaurant that requires you to finish every bit on your plate. In the menu are photos of starving children in 3rd world countries. The family proceeds to over order, but the Father figure gluttonously over orders and is forced to finish his food at gunpoint.   It was sort of funny and does make you think, but crossed the line to stupid in the end, with the use of loud diarrhea noises. However, like I said I applaud the effort.

There was another short that was sort of cute called Bless You and it was a few minutes long had nice cinema photography but was mostly a visual effects piece.

And Lastly was the Feature Documentary entitled "Without a Net" .. Enrique rapidly fell asleep, and I had to squeeze his hand when his snoring got audible.  I was editing it the whole time in my mind. There were a few cleverly edited parts but I kept thinking cut that, move that,  keep this, cut that, keep this, move that.  Perhaps for someone who has never lived in or been to Latin America it would have been more engrossing. For me it was ok. I'd already seen these types of circuses perform in Mexico several times. The concept was good that it was about keeping as risk youth out of trouble but I've already volunteered filming services to the local Circus Project and was thinking you don't have to go to South America for that story.

You see - Film Snob.

After that we walk out of there and we see Katy and chat for a moment and I cross the street to where the after party was to be and peak through the windows. I didn't see the free appetizers and there was a long line for drinks which I had heard were not free, so .... we came home. Why torture myself more right?

So I can check that off my list. Red carpet photo, check, film fest, check.

The next film festival I go to will be when my film is screening or someone that I know or worked on. It's too hard for me to fumble around and feel awkward. Why do that to myself. Right? 

Marriage journeys - Quotes running through my essence

I really dislike that right now tons of things are going absolutely fabulously for us and I feel too busy to enjoy it.   The short version of my films is doing well. I've gotten into the Portland Film Fest and my film is screening at the largest venue available. We closed on our new house last week and recorded on Friday so we are homeowners again. Though we are renting back for 9 days, so it doesn't feel like it yet. Even better news is we found out our house payment will only be 86 dollars more than what we pay for rent right now for a very crappy 2 bed 1 bath apartment in a not very nice area. 

To the quote "No man is a failure who is enjoying life", William Faulkner. 

Something has happened in my marriage that I knew would happen, through the years of getting my BA and kids and projects and working towards a career, and buying a house again, and all the things that life throws at you, we don't spend very much time together. And I knew*(know) that the happiness in our relationship is strictly dependent on us spending time together.  So gradually we have started to grow apart. Neither one of us wants this of course but we find it more difficult to understand each other the longer this goes on. And yes I love having these skills of film-making. Skills that just four years ago I didn't have. I love being able to express my art in the utmost professional of ways. 

But the journey has taken a toll. The title of this blog once again applicable to where it all started. I started this blog because the drive to Mexico took us 8 days with 2 small children. And now again the traveling through these past 4 years has been hard. They have been good too but with having many health issues at the same time as being a woman of 42 years old and a rather needy wife. It has been hard. 

Lately I've been reading a book called the 5 love languages and there really is something to it. The book concludes that there are five broad categories that people feel love.  One of the ways that I've always wanted to be shown love is in grand gestures. It could be because as a child my dad would always surprise us with grand gestures. He would always do a random thing big. Like instead of  going to the beach with little buckets and shovels he would bring full size wheelbarrows and five gallon buckets and build a HUGE sandcastle. Now the sand castle wasn't all perfect but it was huge. Anyway, my point is through the years I have made slide shows, mix tapes, letters, stories, movies, all this type of things spending hours and hours trying to show my husband how much I love him and usually he will see it and then go "oh thanks" and turn and walk away.  It is not because he is being mean it is because the way he feels loved is affection and acts of service. So if I make him dinner, iron his clothes (which I rarely ever iron), massage his back, cater to him, he will feel loved.  

When we were first together I used to do a lot of these things but I never felt the love back and eventually after years and years and years and college, I stopped doing most of those things. He on the other hand will make me lunch or cook me something at times when he is trying to show me love. At that point it is me who is like "ok thanks"  We are both trying to show our love but the other person doesn't hear it. Here is the issue the one language we both speak is quality time. When we both spend quality time together that ends in Sex we are both very happy. He emotionally starts opening up we talk and I feel loved.  There in lies the catch 22. He's been working 6 days a week. So we can buy this house and so he can support us. And I'm feeling like a single mom wanting to pull my hair out and run from the house screaming, largely due to summer break. 

I occasionally read the blog Americas Next top Mommy and recently she went on a missionary trip to Ethiopia. Once she made it back and started acclimating back to American life, she was appalled at the trivial complaints of Americans.  So I know that my complaints are not on the chart like when I was dying and penniless in Puerto Vallarta. Believe me I know. 

The issue is how to stop this cycle of chaos. My eldest son says to take some time off. But I only have 3 more classes until I fulfill this dream. 

I know I need to pray and visualize and meditate. I need to get off my smart phone and spend more quality time with people I care about.

but sometimes I feel like this - 

Everything we planned for our lives for years has come about but now I want to get back to enjoying it.

We planned to to sell our house and  move to Mexico and buy a house and fix it up and if we decided to stay great if not we'd come back, maybe we'd make money or maybe we'd be poor. If we were poor I could surely go to college because I would be low income not having worked for a few years. After a few years we'd be eligible for a first time home buyer program again.

So all that has happened - wanna hear the next part of the plan?  We are going to be rich and have lots of homes and vacations.  It would be so funny if that actually happens. I am just supposed to be ridiculously successful and fully express my true art.

Well anyway, so much for my ridiculous complaints. Next week when we move into the house I hope everything will be wonderful again. There is a nice yard, double garage, 3 bedrooms, 1 1/2 bath. A much larger kitchen with a DISHWASHER!!! Which we do not have now.

And Maybe I can start painting again and making films because of the love of the art form.

I still have a few projects to finish.  I'm thinking now my career will be as editor so my life in front of a computer is sealed to me now but I'm not sure I can be on set because my back just can't take it so it must be the best bet for me.

Well that is all for now sorry if my problems are stupid I've just been feeling like I need to get my head straight. Like - why am I not happy... ?  I've been happier when I was a stay at home mom clipping coupons and taking care of my husband.

PuertoVallartaGirl in Portland