Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Irrationally feeling guilty and apologetic for everything in my life

Nowadays my blog is so dry because I rarely write from my heart.  Have you ever been so busy that you don't even know how you feel about your own life.  I'm a senior in college at age 42.  I've been in college since October 2009.  I have never worked so hard towards 1 thing in my entire life.  And I'm getting tired. I really feel like they should just give me the degree.

Last year I slowed down my education to work for NBC and now that means I'll have to go to school 2 extra terms. I'm supposed to graduate next term on June 15, 2013 but I won't be graduating until December.

If I were single and had no children I could probably just take 5 classes at a time. Since I have a family I can only take 4 classes at a time.

a few weeks ago at a quincinera
I sit here and wonder how I got to this point where I feel guilty about everything in my life. I feel guilty I'm not spending enough quality time with my children. Not spending enough time with my nieces and nephews. Guilty I'm not taking good enough care of my husband. Guilty I'm not finishing a few projects I started awhile ago. Guilty I don't do my spiritual practice everyday. The weird thing is I don't even believe in guilt. I've been feeling nervous for a few weeks. I feel like something is a miss that I cannot put my fingers on.

Internally I know that my empathy barometer is picking up on something that I cannot tell what it is yet.   Before Hurricane Sandy happened I was a complete nervous wreck. So bad that I couldn't function. I had emailed the instructor of this useless editing class on the day of Hurricane Sandy and told him I was too upset to go.  I could feel what was happening.  And now for the past few weeks I've been a nervous wreck. I have some good days but it feels like it is getting increasingly worse. My mind is interpreting that it has something to do with my marriage. I don't know. My husband is being wonderful to me, caring and good. But I just don't feel like we are connecting with a deep connection. We are connecting on a surface and sweet connection. I just cannot put my fingers on it. I hate this feeling. Suspicion and anxiety.

As far as my movie I am sort of waiting for the next divine sign of what to do. Usually on my blog I try to put my best face forward, but I guess I owe it to who ever reads this blog that things are not always happy go lucky. Its stressful and hard. I freak out and scream at my kids sometimes. I do get inspired all the time and wish I did more to help the community. The past week or so I've been feeling the best and worst that I have for awhile. The good thing about being busy is you don't have time to feel everything, the bad thing about being busy is you don't have time to feel everything.

There are so many good things going on and I just cannot figure out why I am stressed. We are buying a house soon. We are in this home buying program where we save 2k and they give us 8k. Wehave our pre-approval appointment soon. House prices are pretty good. My film is coming along well. My health is much better than it was. My eldest son is in Australia doing study abroad.  My tax return is due to arrive tomorrow. So many good things are happening and  I just cannot understand why I am so anxious.

I'll let you know when I figure it out.

PuertoVallarta Girl in Portland.