Friday, August 17, 2012
Portland, Oregon - August 16, 2012
It is hot and it is late with things running through my head. I was lying in bed and having that feeling again like I want to write. There are so many things I want to write about but I keep feeling like I should go back to one particular one.
I had made a friend. A very beautiful, funny, and intelligent friend of 26. She was fun to talk to during our daily walks and it was nice to hear about the group and what was really going on in our department, which I was not privy to for some reason.
Almost every day at 4pm on my 10 hour shift with no breaks – we would take a quick walk up to the park and back. We always started out fast and got slower the closer we got to the office. We talked about men and the games they play. My favorite subject… sex. We talked about relationships. I talked about my past experiences and future hopes and she talked about hers.
And then we would go back into the office, and not talk much about it until the next day. Except for an occasional i/m about =hottie at 2 o’clock.
Then they made her one of my supervisors and everything got all fucked up. I gradually learned that she was actually a company girl.
One friend who had went on a walk with us a few times, later ended up getting fired. I still to this day am a little scared that our girl talk (and her reporting back) contributed to it somehow.
Then… I started having some issues with a bully. Yes can you believe that, a bully in my work, and I confided in her. Then later it was really getting out of control and I asked her for advice. But she told me “I’ll take care of it.”
I was working in the Payroll Department when I wanted to do something creative. But the opportunity to work for a network seemed good. I had been working for 8 months and then one day I said to my friend who just became my boss, “ I just want a suggestion of what to do?” Because a guy in the office was bullying me. Rather than give me a suggestion, said she would take care of it.
The next day the entire office knew all about it. It was pretty embarrassing because no one believed it was true. Victim blaming for sure. I was not very happy about her taking things into her own hands. But that wasn;t the only issue that was going on. I had essentially been demoted and then asked to do 2 jobs. I tried in every way I could think of to communicate to her, and each of the other people who were giving me work, that I was overloaded, but her answer was always “it only takes 5 minutes” and “prioritize”. What infuriated me was she spoke to me as if I was new to office work. I gradually started hating my job. The day after she took things into her own hands we had an issue where we had yet another of a dozen discussions on how every aspect of my job only took 5 minutes and I was frustrated and told her so.
It was a tense moment and the day was over, but I was so stirred up I decided to write her an email explaining how I felt like she was treating me as if I was not a hard worker.
She never answered my email – I copied another person I trusted asking for advice but what happened was very strange. They ignored me. They did not discuss my email with me. And she stopped talking to me at all. The next day I think I heard her curse a few times, angry at me. Perhaps she thought she had done me a favor with the bully? And that was how I thanked her?
So a few weeks of that treatment and I hated my job and decided to give my 2 weeks notice. I never really wanted to be in accounting anyway. I liked the payroll work but never in my life have I had an aspiration to be an a/p clerk. And there I was with 20 years office experience being an a/p clerk. I prayed and the day before I gave my 2 weeks’ notice I got an email from my friend, former boss, that said simply
“I thought you were making movies”.
Yeah, I thought I was making movies too. And I realized why was I letting fear hold me in a job I didn’t want.
I really enjoyed meeting all the crew and getting to know all the departments and learning more about the industry but, I was once again in a corporate office job. Which only relationship to my college degree, was the type of business it is, and not the actual work I was doing.
On the day before my last, I waited until her other office mates had left and I went in and asked her… “So now that you won’t be my boss anymore can we be friends again?”
She looked up at me with mixed emotions, I could tell, and she said “I never said we weren’t friends”.
I said, “but you stopped talking to me after I sent that email to you”.
She said” Well. The email got escalated.”
Wtf? (she escalated it..I loved her verbiage “It” got escalated)
At that point, I walked out and I said one last thing” I can see your answer is no”
She said, “I didn’t say that” as I walked out.
The next day ended up being my last day. Most everyone was kind to me, in a way. But in corporations or large offices there is always a weird undertone when you are leaving a job.
I gave some hugs and said goodbyes. I felt strong and fine, and the weirdest thing, I went in to say goodbye to her and I started crying.
I supposed it is because I rarely offer myself to people that deeply. I am one of those people that have very close friends but very few friends. The rest I just don’t have time being ridiculously busy balancing all my responsibilities. But I stood outside her office door, where I felt like she and the 2 guys in there could not stand me anymore and I actually had to step away for a second and get myself together. I had a doctor appointment to go to and was leaving early. I finally cleared my tears and poked my head in to say good bye.
And she didn’t even look up.
She said “bye”.
How easily friendship is thrown away. And that was 20 days ago and I am still sad about it.