Friday, December 9, 2011

All the things running through my head. - forgive the saying but I just puked out...some of the stuff running through my head - not even half of it.

Ever since the whole texting phone relationship thing I sort of lost something in my marriage. Or not exactly lost but I let go. I remember when we were first together and we had an open relatioinship. And I've actually been thinking to ask my husband for an open marriage. I wonder if he will read this? Sometimes he actually does read my blog.

I Haven't written for awhile. Been really busy. I filmed a short movie that should have been amazing but the guy who ran the camera... maybe intentionally shot it bad? I don't know Or I just may have come to the conclusion that I am too good of a photographer to have someone else run the camera, I guess.

Last weekend my daughter turned 9 years old. We had a slumber party. 8 little girls me organizing games, my favorite the bubble gum game. You put a plate out for each little girl and put a piece of gum on it and cover it with whipped cream, then without any hands they have to find the bubbble gum and chew it and the first person to blow a bubble wins.

My children (2 youngest) tell me they love me all the time, several times a day. I asked my friend the other day.... what am I doing so right? I wish I did it with my eldest son cause he barely wants to be around me. But he is 19....

My assertiveness is causing me a problem again. People are not inviting me to work with them as much as I'd like. But I do make new friends so who knows.

This is me.... I make real friends. Not acquaintances. If you read this blog much I've mentioned before my self protection method of freaking people out early on to weed out the weak of heart. If they cant handle that then they have no business being my friend. But then I end up feeling like shit that not everyone likes me.

That's the other thing. I've been feeling so sensitive lately.

Good news, I've been deepening my female friendships.

Good news, I stopped obsessing about dying like a year ago.

Interesting point in my life, I want to work with other people but I'm thinking freelance, I want to create art to better the world.

I have an opportunity to work on an interesting (non paid) project but I am thinking about backing out. Reason is it does not fit into my life goal of my art. I want to create movies that uplift and better the world and I don't want to be a sellout. And this piece I am talking about does not fit into my personal parameters.

I almost feel like my most recent project was almost a sell out.

Here is what I consider giving value and helping the world. Creating a movie that inspires the viewer to think deeper within themselves in a good way, or inspires them to take action that betters the world, inspires forgiveness or kindness, or at the very least gives them happiness for a moment and takes them away from what ever they are worried about.

The reason I have stayed away from horror and several types of films is because to do one feels like a sell out.

So I have this piece I'm almost done with - I mentioned earlier(terrible photography - by the camera guy) and it feels like a sellout (I knew it the minute I wrote it) because it does none of these things. My bestest friend, Laura, told me it does better the world because it educates people.

The subject, a nice guy pedophile. And a protective mother. The acting is good, the story is good, it is short... I believe in the law of attraction and I think it does not better the world. I did plan to put it into festivals, before the terrible photography, and now I think I will just add it to my youtube... and hope again the next project is up to my standards, good photography and uplifting. One good thing I learned my best friend is an exceptional actress.

I'm so busy running around with my head cut off doing a million things that I need to slow down and appreciate what is important to me.

I had a bad dream about my children last night what does that mean. I guess to me what it means is I need to cherish the ones I love.