Saturday, April 30, 2011

walking the walk - lesson 13 to 14

I write about being good and kind, about thinking forgiveness or learning how to clear all the crappy things out of your thoughts. One thing I am trying really hard to do lately is to really live this way.   I've had periods in my life where I am very good at this with strangers and then I come home and am short and cranky with my children and/or husband. There is such a fine line between being kind with your children and letting them be spoiled. I've been trying to make time for my studies and make time for my people connections. My friend who passed has a son who is a troubled youth, and now his mother passed and that is like putting gas on a fire.   I was a troubled youth largely in part because of my  mothers mental illness so I can really relate.  I've been texting with this young man but he doesn't really know me and is in complete grief and really hasn't responded, that is until yesterday. I told him (via text) that I had a deep feeling as if his mom wanted me to guide him. I told him about these dreams and visions I had haunting me for the week after his mom died. I don't really know him or his father that well so it is a little awkward. Yesterday he responded and he asked me to call him later.   I was busy and started feeling sick so I didn't call. But today I had a great idea. I have to go into the sound studio at school to record some sounds for my sound design class.  I'm bringing him with me. Additionally, I am planning to take my neice to the ballet. There is this program here in Portland where if you are poor you can get $5 tickets to a variety of cultured events like the ballet, symphony, and orchestra.  Several different options. She is excited about that and I am looking forward to it too. I remember when I was little my aunt took me to some plays. We saw Annie and the nutcracker. Which I didn't really like the nutcracker but I LOVED annie. So that is my walk.

Lesson 13 I didn't really feel anything specific to it. However, I am getting an overall centered feeling. 

Lesson 14:  "God did not create a meaningless world" taken from The Course in Miracles, workbook for students. 

Description: "The idea for today is, of course the reason why a meaningless world is impossible. " It goes on...  " What god did not create does not exist. and everything that does not exist as He created it. The world you see has nothing to do with reality."  Ok so that is quite confusing..."It is your own making, and it does not exist" Hmm even more confusing. 
"The exercises for today are to be practiced with eyes closed throughout. The mind searching shoudl be short a minute at most. Do not have more than 3 practice periods." 
It says that "The idea for today is another step in learning to let go the thoughts that you have written on the world, and see the Word of God in their place. The early steps in this exchange, which can truly be called salvation, can be quite difficult and even quite painful. Some of them will lead you directly into fear"  I agree with this, this process can be quite scary, but since I've done it before I am ok going through it. "our direction is toward perfect safety and perfect peace"
This says everything... I don't really need to reinterpret this. I am certain I have lost most of my readers by now because this stuff is really hard and serious stuff, but also I want to document what I am going through. I am  a little scared and this may seem irrational but that if I actually do achieve the peace that this is teaching and the level of forgiveness that jesus had... that I might move onto the next level which is leaving this earth. that is what is scary for me, because i think that my children need me, but I have to leave that. Perhaps everything is of my making anyway. that is what I am learnign.

sorry for the messy post but I ran out of time and have to go. Perhaps no one will even read this far.