Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I still see only the past - No I reject that - Lesson 7 to 8

Me back in 2000
hubby around that time rockin a mullet

 So you know I decided to put yesterdays lesson on hold and contemplate it longer. I'm glad I did.  Nothing seemingly miraculous happened. With the exception of this little postcard type advertisement I found sitting on the foot of my bed  yesterday morning. The postcard is for one of the Mexican boutiques that sells Bridal wear and Bautizo clothing etc.  I do not know how it got there. Immediately I started thinking the worst.

If you are new here you don't know that before I married my husband we had a tumultuousness relationship. We actually broke up 10 times in the first 2 years. My friends didn't think it was going to work because we were so different.  My husband is 6 1/2 years younger than me and he was only 21 when I found him.... or he found me?  Ok we found each other. So in that first 2 years I was in love with someone else and told him I was not going to fall in love with him. I even advocated and demanded an open relationship for quite some time, until he pressured me,"be with me or lose me". So like 6 months in we were boyfriend girlfriend for longer bouts, then we would argue and break up and see other people (or I should say sleep with other people).  On a few occasions he did not wait until we broke up to 'see other people'.  I went to Disneyland with my ex husband  for a week (totally platonic) while I was gone my dad died. During that time he cheated on me driving my car.   And another night like a year later his cousin/best friend, Me, and my Son were sitting having dinner, he faked a fight.  This was like the fall of 2000 we were having dinner and I was telling a story or something and out of no where they both said that I called him a "bastard" and then got up and they stormed out and didn't come back till 5am. I knew where they went  because I put my son in the car in the middle of the night and found the club they went to, but I couldn't go into the club to confront him so I went home and waited. At about 5 am he shows up. Then I freaked out and made him admit he cheated on me and still did not break up with him I ended up waiting until he went to Mexico a few months later... but thats a whole other story.

Ok thats the background, since we got married in 2001 I have not had any reason to think he has cheated. He has been a good husband, not just good, wonderful. With the exception of that one story when we first got to Mexico and he went to that red district bar and danced with a working girl. But all it takes is a post card on the foot of my bed to jump back to those suspicious feelings.  When I saw the post card my first thought was, I actually let him go out late last Saturday, I didn't really want him to be out till 4am but I have gone out with my friends several times in the last couple years and he hasn't even gone out 1 time. I mean it must be like 6 times.  So the way things worked out his brother wanted him to go out and they did and he came home and I was pretty mad he stayed out till 4 because we all know what can happen at 4 oclock in the morning. But he was only a little buzzed and had a plausible story... and.... well... I trust him now..

That is until I noticed a postcard on the foot of my bed, my first thought yesterday morning is that he met a girl and she gave him this post card and he planned to call her and accidentally left it on my bed.

Ok so here is my issue.   "I see only the past"   it is always this chicken and egg thing I have been having problems figuring out.   Do I make things happen?  Or do things happen and I am psychic.  After all these Course in Miracle studies and Creative Visualization and The Secret and everything I have learned and advocate for I think my belief is.... what I focus on makes things happen.   So I'm going to put away those feelings about the post card and focus on my marriage and being happy. I certainly don't want him to cheat on me so I have got to drop it now. On the other hand I think I'll just destroy that post card, But at the same time I'm going to stop checking our cell phone company website to see if he has called the numbers on the post card and just let it go.

"I see only the past?" no I want to see the present... I want to be in love and harmony all the time.

Lesson 8: taken from The Course in Miracles  "My mind is preoccupied with past thoughts. "

Description: Right off it says "No one really sees anything. He sees only his thoughts projected outward.... your mind cannot grasp the present which is the only time there is..... ... the only true thought about the past is that the past is not here..... when thoughtless ideas preoccupy your mind the truth is blocked"(its a good one you should read it)

My interpretation:   Yeah I was onto something.  If I want to achieve pure love and joy I have to let go of thoughts about the past.

See you tomorrow - adios.