Saturday, April 30, 2011

walking the walk - lesson 13 to 14

I write about being good and kind, about thinking forgiveness or learning how to clear all the crappy things out of your thoughts. One thing I am trying really hard to do lately is to really live this way.   I've had periods in my life where I am very good at this with strangers and then I come home and am short and cranky with my children and/or husband. There is such a fine line between being kind with your children and letting them be spoiled. I've been trying to make time for my studies and make time for my people connections. My friend who passed has a son who is a troubled youth, and now his mother passed and that is like putting gas on a fire.   I was a troubled youth largely in part because of my  mothers mental illness so I can really relate.  I've been texting with this young man but he doesn't really know me and is in complete grief and really hasn't responded, that is until yesterday. I told him (via text) that I had a deep feeling as if his mom wanted me to guide him. I told him about these dreams and visions I had haunting me for the week after his mom died. I don't really know him or his father that well so it is a little awkward. Yesterday he responded and he asked me to call him later.   I was busy and started feeling sick so I didn't call. But today I had a great idea. I have to go into the sound studio at school to record some sounds for my sound design class.  I'm bringing him with me. Additionally, I am planning to take my neice to the ballet. There is this program here in Portland where if you are poor you can get $5 tickets to a variety of cultured events like the ballet, symphony, and orchestra.  Several different options. She is excited about that and I am looking forward to it too. I remember when I was little my aunt took me to some plays. We saw Annie and the nutcracker. Which I didn't really like the nutcracker but I LOVED annie. So that is my walk.

Lesson 13 I didn't really feel anything specific to it. However, I am getting an overall centered feeling. 

Lesson 14:  "God did not create a meaningless world" taken from The Course in Miracles, workbook for students. 

Description: "The idea for today is, of course the reason why a meaningless world is impossible. " It goes on...  " What god did not create does not exist. and everything that does not exist as He created it. The world you see has nothing to do with reality."  Ok so that is quite confusing..."It is your own making, and it does not exist" Hmm even more confusing. 
"The exercises for today are to be practiced with eyes closed throughout. The mind searching shoudl be short a minute at most. Do not have more than 3 practice periods." 
It says that "The idea for today is another step in learning to let go the thoughts that you have written on the world, and see the Word of God in their place. The early steps in this exchange, which can truly be called salvation, can be quite difficult and even quite painful. Some of them will lead you directly into fear"  I agree with this, this process can be quite scary, but since I've done it before I am ok going through it. "our direction is toward perfect safety and perfect peace"
This says everything... I don't really need to reinterpret this. I am certain I have lost most of my readers by now because this stuff is really hard and serious stuff, but also I want to document what I am going through. I am  a little scared and this may seem irrational but that if I actually do achieve the peace that this is teaching and the level of forgiveness that jesus had... that I might move onto the next level which is leaving this earth. that is what is scary for me, because i think that my children need me, but I have to leave that. Perhaps everything is of my making anyway. that is what I am learnign.

sorry for the messy post but I ran out of time and have to go. Perhaps no one will even read this far.

Friday, April 29, 2011

existentialism... Lesson 12 to 13

I just looked that up for some reason on -

existentialism n.

a modern philosophical movement stressing the importance of personal experience and responsibility and the demands that they make on the individual, who is seen as a free agent in a deterministic and seemingly meaningless universe

I'm not really buying into that but that seems sort of like the opposite of what the course in miracles is saying. In these lessons we will be shown how every action and reaction is in essence all about and for or against ourselves because we are all connected and we are all one and what we project is in our minds.

I struggle with this constantly because the world seems so real. But what almost no one can argue with is the sheer fact that everything we think about seems to appear in our lives. It doesn't matter who you are. It happens to everyone. So even if we put aside all the spiritual beliefs and the why, what, who stuff if we just decide we don't want to be scared and upset anymore and we want to be happy then it is clearly important to start with your thoughts. 

I've got a terrible ear infection right now and do not feel like doing a darn thing. Today all I did was take the kids to school or bus stop and then buy a few groceries. There is this produce place that sells old produce that is mostly usable for very good prices.  Cabbage 8 for a dollar, and celery 4 for a dollar all sorts of deals.  A few weeks ago I got asparagus bunches 4 for 2 dollars but I had to cut off everything except 3 inches from the tip, It was still a nice luxury. I also got 20 packs of green onions for $2.00.

Well that was my day today, no school for me , and now I am just miserable with an ear infection watching movies on netflix. I just saw 8 1/2 by felini. What a trip. 

I'm ready to move on to lesson 13: a meaningless world engenders fear. 

Description: it says this idea builds on lesson 12 but also that there is nothing that does not have meaning. Ok I'm getting confused now. Then the exercise is almost the same as lesson 12. 

Ok. I don't feel good so that is all I'm going to say about that. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

immigration people - check this out

What were you thinking about this morning? Lesson 11 to 12

My scar from My thyroid surery... healing up but still visible
So I love my camera... so ... I want to marry it. So much when I see an ad in the magazine for it I want to kiss it.  The below Amazon ad is priced over what I paid. I got mine for $888. sans lenses. ... Thats one thing I was thinking about this morning...I swear I must think about at the very least 5 things a minute.  Sometimes maybe 100 things in a one minute. I think about philosophical shit. Mundane shit.Loving thoughts. Petty stuff. I was thinking about thinking this morning. I was thinking about which things we think about that are  a waste of time. Such as comparisons, how often do we spend time comparing ourselves to other people in our heads. They have a better or worse art. They are nicer or snobbier then we are. They are fatter or skinnier or the same as we are. They are younger, more attractive, smarter, dumber, more wealthy, poorer, more spiritual, more opinionated.  I mean, I really try not to do that, but I do. Isn't that a huge struggle? Those are all definitely wasted thoughts that could be put to better use.  And another thing..... you see that picture of my neck. Why did they have to make that scar (from last September) not centered?  And I'm not sure if you can see it, but underneath it just looks like a blemish its not its a red dot (scar). why did they have to poke a hole in my neck right there for drainage? Can't they tell I already have blotchy skin....?  That thought is vanity right?   Another useless thought I have.... is when I was younger, thinner, and better looking I used to get special treatment. I've just realized this in the past few weeks.  I've realized I used to get special treatment, because I don't get it anymore.  But the truth is, if you are young, large breasted and not terribly fat, and pretty to go along with it... you get special treatment. Since I hit 40... I just don't get it anymore. Isn't that weird that I got special treatment for 30 years and didn't know it? Example people do nice things for no reason, smile for no reason, give me free stuff, let me in for free.  Do you know I got free weed for 20 years. I only had to buy it like 10 times and people just gave it to me.  I didn't use much but I always had a piece put away in case I wanted it one day.  More and more useless thoughts. Ok. Course in Miracles I am at your mercy! Please help me stop all this drivel that is running through my head on an average day.  I succumb to you. I understand that "My meaningless thoughts are showing me a meaningless world" (lesson 11 by the way.)

Lesson 12: I am upset because I see a meaningless world. Taken from the course in Miracles.
Description: "The importance of this idea lies in the fact that it contains a correction for a major perceptual distortion. You think that what upsets you is a frightening world, a sad world, a violent world, or an insane world. All these attributes are given it by you. The world is meaningless in itself."

Keeping an even tempo look around you, what you see does not matter, as you look around you evenly say " I think I see a fearful world, a dangerous world, a hostile world, a sad world, a wicked world, a crazy world" Or whatever descriptions occur to you, even if you think positive descriptions. then say to yourself "but I am upset because I see a meaningless world"
It describes this saying that "what is meaningless is not good or bad, so why does a meaningless world upset you? "

do this 3 or 4 times.

My interpretation: Again and again it is basically getting us aware of our useless thoughts in order to let true god thoughts come in. It acknowledges that this may upset you by thinking it is a meaningless world but that once you can have pure thoughts you will be very happy. You know I've done these lessons before and I agree with them, I know where they are going. However, I must acknowledge the first times I did these it was scary. Because at the time I didn't know where it was going. Now I know what it is going for is to truely get you aware of how much wasted energy goes into these ego thoughts and thoughts that think the world comes first and we perceive it. What it is teaching is that what we think comes first and then our world.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

My head is full of nothing (kidding) lesson 10 to 11

This is a random dog looking loopy solidifying todays concept
So okay I get it, I spend my time thinking about meaningless stuff.  I've been trying to feel this concept... the lesson 10 one.. "My thoughts do not mean anything."   I just saw a note at the end of Lesson 10 it says "This thought will help to release me from all that I now believe"

I've had some different stuff going on.. Like the world has been all friendly and peachy keen since this term started. Which has been nice until last night when the same sort of competitive pretentious mean spirited attitudes assaulted my peaceful world. Wait, that must be another one of those bad thoughts ........ whoops well, I'm working on it. Today I've got to make dinner and get ready for my class so I'm just going to list the next lesson and work on that.

Lesson 11: "My meaningless thoughts are showing me a meaningless world. " referenced from The Course in Miracles, Workbook for Students.

Description: (re-interpreted):  this one is very important it says because most people think that the world determines what we think but this is the first lesson that says what we think determines our world. The key to forgiveness lies in today's idea. Todays lessons you should start with your eyes closed repeating to yourself and then open your eyes and look close and far and repeat this idea. For about a minute or so practice very casually. This idea is the foundation for inner peace. you should practice between 3 and 5 times.

My interpretation:  again I think this is trying to get us to recognize all the nonsense that is in our thoughts and getting us to basically start the way we think from scratch  so we can be open to love and forgiveness.

Monday, April 25, 2011

my thoughts do not mean anything lesson 10 to 10 still yea another repeat

When we went to visit mom Saturday
Well, again you may have noticed that I missed 2 days. Thursday night  I was at Papas pizza and I felt moved to call my dear friend Mel.  I told her that I thought her mom wanted me to check on her and then I told her where I was. And what was highly interesting is that the very last time Mel saw her mom, was there at Papas pizza in SE portland.   I feel like I can pick up peoples emotions and yes maybe Darcy can still send me her emotions.

The night she died I was overcome by these visions. #1 was about how she died and #2 was Easter Seals, shouting at me over and over and over but I still don't exactly understand what it means. Darcy was  a very spiritual person and The visions seemed to say how she died and that she wanted me to go to easter seals, which with research represenst something that she did in her life. Darcy was a cna at nursing homes.  Easter Seals  is a non profit organization that helps people with disabilities. It appears now days it focuses on autism but also helps the elderly and people with other disabilities. I subscribed to their email but still have not figured out what is meant. Now when I have this lesson "My thoughts do not mean anything" it makes me wonder if I should just ignore these dream/visions I get occasionally.  I guess I just have to keep going to figure that out.

Friday night I got a chance to go out with my friend Ann. Ann and I are slowly becoming better and better  friends. Ann is that wonderfully talented friend of mine who I know we are both headed in the right direction. See one of her paintings above. We decided to go to the free night at the Portland Art Museum and we were walking around all baked and sort of going in circles and we came across this live event where people talk about what these objects mean to  them what I found immensely interesting is that these spiritual lessons had just spent several days talking about how objects don't mean anything and here I was spontaneously at this event where people talked about what objects meant to them. so so strange. Browse around that website and see if you can see a video. I saw mayor Sam Adams and I used to talk to him all the time when I worked for the city, that was before he was Mayor, it still is surprising to me that he is mayor.

Anyway, I need more time to digest this lesson. ttys

Friday, April 22, 2011

On April 20 at 4:20.... people unite in mind altering ways - Lesson 9 to 10

This is either Jimi or Junes eye 
So a few weeks ago I had some 420 and I was in the shower (thats where I can do that without the children realizing it - after they go to sleep) and I had an epiphany... I was thinking about the term "Mind Altering Drug"  Ok so what isn't a mind altering drug. Coffee certainly is. Even if I am not hallucinating after a cup of joe I am certainly in a better mood, isn't that mind altering?   I'm thinking what mind altering drug means officially is  like anti depressants, weed, acid, hmmm peyote??  what else?? But in reality can't a cheeseburger and a coke be mind altering? Have you ever seen Super Size me, thats some serious addictions there.

Ok so thats not the point of today but I just thought I'd bring that up in honor of April 20th.

Yesterday's lesson 9 was, "I see nothing as it is now"  so yeah I don't really feel this one, I'm not understanding what is reflected in my life that pertains to it, but it clearly states if you don't understand it that is all fine and dandy and appropriate, soooo I just won't worry about it.

And to compliment that very intellectual sentiment  - todays lesson is (insert gigle here)

Lesson 10, "My thoughts do not mean anything"

Description: (paraphrasing) apparently all my thoughts are not my real thoughts. And, I have no basis for comparison but it will all make sense soon enough. It says the thoughts that I am aware of are meaningless. It kinda goes in circles explaining it but it says that the lesson is to recognize nothingness when you see it. hmmm. funnny.... There is some help though... it says close your eyes and repeat todays idea, then follow it with "This idea will help to release me from all that I now believe" Then you can go through everything that crosses your mind and say.. "My thought about ____ does not mean anything" this is especially useful with any thought that is distressfull.

My interpretation: basically it is still trying to teach us to clear our minds in preparation to have pure, joyous, god/jesus-ish thoughts/kindness/forgiveness etc. etc.  ciao, hasta manana

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Opinionated me - Lesson 8 to 9

In puertovallarta junie taking photos 2009
Yesterday, I had the second of four counselling sessions.  It seems a little silly because I usually figure out my own problems but it is kinda fun to tell all your little issues to a person thats being paid to sit there and listen attentively.  I found out she has very similar spiritual beliefs I do which is great luck.  This last session we were more like chatting about spiritual stuff. I've already got a ton of coping mechanisms. So we just talked about that and about my ability to make new friends. I've typed here about how I tend to shock people and  scare them off when I first meet them. She gave me some pointers. What scares people off is telling too much about yourself too soon. I am not certain if I still do this, I know it was a problem in the past, and I did walk into her office the first time and tell her 12 years of problems in one hour. I seriously puked that out.  But generally I don't tell every person I meet all my personal stuff. I do it here sort of anonymously.  I realize that doing this blog is hugely narcissistic and I do divulge alot of personal stuff here that people I know may or may know about me. Anyway, she made some comments about my personality such as she could see why I may have issues in certain situations because I am opinionated etc, etc.. When she said this I filed it away. A few people have been telling me this on and off and I never really analyzed it.  I guess I am opinionated. I'm here living in this body and don't see into other peoples heads and what their opinions are,  so it is hard for me to tell if I actually have more opinions than other people but evidently I do??  I never really looked up the word until yesterday. In the past I just figured it meant ... a person who has many opinions.

Well, that isn't actually what it means... it isn't a positive thing... its basically a character flaw - according to

    Opionated: obstinate or conceited with regard to the merit of one's own opinions;

I've been contemplating it and am happy that it has been brought to my attention that I guess I am this way and will try to be more humble. I know people like me better when I am more humble... But let me ask this... If someone doesn't believe in their own opinons what is that?

I think opinionated in a way may be against what I am trying to do with the Course in Miracles. Maybe it is all ego.....? but Not believing in your own opinions would be ..what..... lost? And I certainly am not lost. I have a very strong sense of self.. Is that opinionated? gosh I really have to figure this out... Well that is what this experiment is going to do.

Yesterdays lesson #8 was: "my mind is preoccupied with past thoughts" this is a period of self discovery for me. My world has already become more harmonious. I am happy to be - becoming more harmonious with the universe.

Todays lesson #9: "I see nothing as it is now"

Description: It says para phrasing here "though you can accept this intellectually it is unlikely it will mean anthing to you yet..the recognition that you do not understand it is part of the process.. 3 to 4 times today look around the room starting to what is close to you and say 'I do not understand this __telephone__as it is now. And move farther away from you.'

My interpretation: It is basically the same exercise from the beginning trying to drill in your head that we put our own meanings and expectations projected outward. And I need to continue practicing until I get this ingrained into my thinking.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I still see only the past - No I reject that - Lesson 7 to 8

Me back in 2000
hubby around that time rockin a mullet

 So you know I decided to put yesterdays lesson on hold and contemplate it longer. I'm glad I did.  Nothing seemingly miraculous happened. With the exception of this little postcard type advertisement I found sitting on the foot of my bed  yesterday morning. The postcard is for one of the Mexican boutiques that sells Bridal wear and Bautizo clothing etc.  I do not know how it got there. Immediately I started thinking the worst.

If you are new here you don't know that before I married my husband we had a tumultuousness relationship. We actually broke up 10 times in the first 2 years. My friends didn't think it was going to work because we were so different.  My husband is 6 1/2 years younger than me and he was only 21 when I found him.... or he found me?  Ok we found each other. So in that first 2 years I was in love with someone else and told him I was not going to fall in love with him. I even advocated and demanded an open relationship for quite some time, until he pressured me,"be with me or lose me". So like 6 months in we were boyfriend girlfriend for longer bouts, then we would argue and break up and see other people (or I should say sleep with other people).  On a few occasions he did not wait until we broke up to 'see other people'.  I went to Disneyland with my ex husband  for a week (totally platonic) while I was gone my dad died. During that time he cheated on me driving my car.   And another night like a year later his cousin/best friend, Me, and my Son were sitting having dinner, he faked a fight.  This was like the fall of 2000 we were having dinner and I was telling a story or something and out of no where they both said that I called him a "bastard" and then got up and they stormed out and didn't come back till 5am. I knew where they went  because I put my son in the car in the middle of the night and found the club they went to, but I couldn't go into the club to confront him so I went home and waited. At about 5 am he shows up. Then I freaked out and made him admit he cheated on me and still did not break up with him I ended up waiting until he went to Mexico a few months later... but thats a whole other story.

Ok thats the background, since we got married in 2001 I have not had any reason to think he has cheated. He has been a good husband, not just good, wonderful. With the exception of that one story when we first got to Mexico and he went to that red district bar and danced with a working girl. But all it takes is a post card on the foot of my bed to jump back to those suspicious feelings.  When I saw the post card my first thought was, I actually let him go out late last Saturday, I didn't really want him to be out till 4am but I have gone out with my friends several times in the last couple years and he hasn't even gone out 1 time. I mean it must be like 6 times.  So the way things worked out his brother wanted him to go out and they did and he came home and I was pretty mad he stayed out till 4 because we all know what can happen at 4 oclock in the morning. But he was only a little buzzed and had a plausible story... and.... well... I trust him now..

That is until I noticed a postcard on the foot of my bed, my first thought yesterday morning is that he met a girl and she gave him this post card and he planned to call her and accidentally left it on my bed.

Ok so here is my issue.   "I see only the past"   it is always this chicken and egg thing I have been having problems figuring out.   Do I make things happen?  Or do things happen and I am psychic.  After all these Course in Miracle studies and Creative Visualization and The Secret and everything I have learned and advocate for I think my belief is.... what I focus on makes things happen.   So I'm going to put away those feelings about the post card and focus on my marriage and being happy. I certainly don't want him to cheat on me so I have got to drop it now. On the other hand I think I'll just destroy that post card, But at the same time I'm going to stop checking our cell phone company website to see if he has called the numbers on the post card and just let it go.

"I see only the past?" no I want to see the present... I want to be in love and harmony all the time.

Lesson 8: taken from The Course in Miracles  "My mind is preoccupied with past thoughts. "

Description: Right off it says "No one really sees anything. He sees only his thoughts projected outward.... your mind cannot grasp the present which is the only time there is..... ... the only true thought about the past is that the past is not here..... when thoughtless ideas preoccupy your mind the truth is blocked"(its a good one you should read it)

My interpretation:   Yeah I was onto something.  If I want to achieve pure love and joy I have to let go of thoughts about the past.

See you tomorrow - adios.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I see only the past - Lesson 7 repeated

This was dinner while we all sat around talking Sunday
Let me see.... its been great these last days because I had much to write about.... Let me go back to yesterday... what was I doing..(remembering now).... OK. I caught up on my blogs and then my Sister-In-law came over and I helped her apply for some jobs online. Then I continued editing my fka "Call me Cupid" Movie. Which I pulled from the internet - because I'm going to perfect it before I release it to the public.  And then I went to class last night. On Monday Nights I have this class called, "Multi-Camera Production". We are learning how to film an event with 3 or more cameras. Soon we will film the Art Institute of Portland Fashon show.  I already did that event The Circus Project back in December, so I figured I might as well learn the official way to do things. So far it looks like I did everything correctly.

Yesterdays lesson was not coming to me easily.  Not until today. I really am feeling like I should take an additional day with this one because I have already had a sort of negative experience and I want to explore it.  Again today... when I look around I need to remind myself "I see only the past."

I'm just going to keep working on my homework. I watched Thelma and Louise last night I need to diagram it out, I have to watch The Usual Suspects and write an analysis. And I need to finish editing and uploading "Twisted Cupid" which is the new name for my most recent short previously named " Call me Cupid", I may be doing a Sound Design Edit on it. I love my education!

Thats all for now. (sorry for the list-ness of todays post :)

back with 7 to 8  tomorrow.

Monday, April 18, 2011

I'm upset because I see something that is not there - lesson 6 to 7

Mom at McMenamins  - Kennedy school
Junie Pelunie looking so innocent
To be honest this lesson I could not for the life of me remember. But we had a nice day regardless. We ran around all day visiting people. Usually my hubby and I are not the "drop by to visit" kind of people but my term at college has been so easy so far (thanks to my visualizing it so I think) that we had extra time to go visit people. We took mom on an outting, See her squinting at the menu.....I had my Ruby Beer - which is a berry beer I think. And we all had some burgers. I was not able to apply this lesson the way I  was supposed to. The only spiritual lesson that happened was about 6 or 7pm. I got a text from a fellow classmate/friend who has helped me on a few projects, asking for a favor to be driven to Vancouver. My first response  internally was yes. Because I read somewhere if a brother asks a favor, it causes more (karmic issues) in your own life if you fight it, than to give the favor.  But I was worried about what my husband thought. My friend had been kicked out of his dorm and didn't have anyone to give him a ride. He had too much stuff to take on the bus. So I checked with hubby and we both agreed, as long as he pay's gas no problem.  It ended  up being a nice time. And we got to visit  one additional person - one of our relatives in Vancouver. Funny how lately I'm going to Vancouver a lot.
only crayon in focus - with sunset reflection

Jimi closeup

And Yesterday we had a family barbeque which was very nice,.. We all  ate and talked all day long. We kept having to force the kids to play outside. Because they all wanted to sit on the couch.. "NO go outside its not raining its warm enough!"

Lesson 7 (I'm one day behind) "I see only the past." Taken from the Course in Miracles - workbook for students.

Description: It says this idea is hard to believe.  But it is why nothing that you see means anything.  It is why you have given everything the meaning that it has for you.  It is why you do not understand anything you see. And it is why you are upset because you see something that is not there.  It talks a lot about time  You really need to read the book if you are trying to do this. It is fascinating.  You need to go around the room and acknowledge that you see only the past in each item you see.

My interpretation: It is trying to teach us that time is not as perceived and our reality really isn't what we think it is. So by slowly deconstructing some of our basic ideas about what we are experiencing, we will ultimately find our real connection to god, as the lessons proceed.

 A final note on this - if any of this makes you very upset or uncomfortable you may want to get the book and do it at your own pace. Its taken me 11 years to get comfortable with this. Or even start with the introduction book. 

I'm never upset for the reason I think - lesson 5 to 6

Jimi while we are walking home from Headstart - not related to article
I'm 2 days behind on this but I'm still plugging on and I'm going to catch up now - Weekends are busy for me. On Friday I started noticing that because fear is a major issue of upset, or maybe THE ONLY REAL issue that causes upset I was being faced with things I feared. Its like once you bring up an issue it shows up everywhere.....

I would have to say that my biggest fear is child abuse.  Before I left to visit with a my friend I decided to flip through the stations in the living room and I come across Oprah. This particular show was about how a police officer had saved a little boy on a hunch even though the social worker said there was nothing to worry about. The little boy was being abused in so many ways. I don't want to get into it but it really freaks me out. I cannot stand the idea of children being hurt and the lesson that day was I'm never upset for the reason I think. So I kept having all these horrible things pop into my mind.

Truthfully, my mind is usually pretty peaceful, I long ago mastered the morbid thoughts issue and so it was surprising how many fears kept popping up in my mind that day.  My dear friend Melony invited me to go and have a drink with her. Melony is my friend who's mother passed away a few weeks ago. (her Mother was my friend also). Mel lives in Vancouver and I in Portland so I had to trek the I205 bridge to get over there. I've been over in Vancouver quite a bit lately but at this time I was faced with the strangest fearful sensations. While I was on the I205 bridge. (Here is a tidbit about it from wikipedia 205 bridge - Portland to Vancouver, Wa) The bridge is almost 2 miles long, there is an island in the middle that supports it and has gigantic supports all the way.  At the time I was on it, it was getting dark and there was traffic filled on both sides, each side has between 4 and 6 lanes of traffic.  That evening  it was the busiest I've ever seen it, probably because I rarely go on that bridge but regardless, I started having all these terrible ideas run through my head like what would happen if there was an earthquake?  I NEVER want to wonder these sorts of thoughts because I truly believe thoughts set things into motion.  So I kept saying to myself a mantra of  " I'm not upset for the reason I think" to make it go away. A few minutes later I was at Melony's and everything was fine.  We had fun and I got home by about 10:45 pm.

When I'm doing these exercises things tend to get worse before they get better.

Lesson 6 quoted from The course in Miracles Workbook for Students: "I am upset because I see something that is not there"
Description:  Do it similar to previous lessons, apply it to anything that upsets you. Always remember there are no small upsets. They are all equally disturbing to my peace of mind.
My interpretation: Every time we are not feeling joy and peace and we are worried about small things, or critical of someone, or angry, stressed, the list goes on and on we are not in the purest state that god actually wants us in. So start noticing when you are upset and realize there are no small upsets.  And that I am upset because I see something that is not there. The following lessons will explain it.

Friday, April 15, 2011

I must adjust how I am doing this... #4 - 5

 Ok so I think what makes more sense is that I will talk about  how the previous days lesson affected me and then I will type up the current lesson with my interpretation.

So yesterday's lesson was "these thoughts don't mean anything."  Yesterday morning ... I was.... you know.... worrying about the health insurance issue and I had to finish watching Goodfellas for a class and do this thing called a "Plot Segmentation"  which basically just points out all the main turning points of a movie - I had taken 16 pages of notes and didn't have time to transcribe them.

I rushed downtown to meet the girls for lunch. We have just started this new thing, Thursday lunches with the girls, 4 of us Female Film Students hanging out. We are a rarity.  So while I was with one friend Kellie waiting for the other 2 friends at this place called Little Big Burger. (They give you thick tiny burgers... )Guess who comes in...? George this guy I worked with on my internship on the feature film I worked on in December.  Wow that was nice to see him! He's very cute.   Anyway, I was very happy to see him and then he left. The troupe is off to Puerto Rico soon. Sounds exotic... Wouldn't that be fun to travel around working on movies... Can't wait till the kids are bigger so I won't feel guilty about that.

Anyway so we 4 girls sit at the little table in the crowded tiny restaurant and chat. Sometimes we talk as a group.  Sometimes we talk in 2 groups, over the top of each other and with each other. We covered ton's of subjects in 40 minutes, but mostly Female Film Student Issues. We are a select breed you know. The farther I go in the program the less females there are. Anyway, I suppose I'm rambling.

Then I go to my Film Genre's class and we guess what... we watch movies and talk about them.. What could be cooler?

Then afterwards I stayed for a club. Yes, I'm 40 and I stayed for a club.   It was Improv. for Animators. Now you know I am not an Animator... so I'd been greedily looking at that club sign for MONTHS. Until I recently read the fine print... you don't HAVE to be an animator, all are welcome. So turned out Kellie went to that too. It was fun and well a little flat? The normal group wasn't there and the organizer was clearly disappointed that she was having trouble maintaining a group of regulars.  Just to give you a picture of what it is... we do activities like "Whose Line is it Anyway?"

First off I want to point out that WHEN I am doing the course in Miracle lessons... my life just comes alive with interesting and meaningful issues and situations.   Yesterday I'd been trying to remember the idea that my thoughts do not mean anything all day, especially when I would worry. So after I got home I had this realization that.... WHAT IF???? I lost my  health insurance because very soon I will not be in the poverty level and won't be able to qualify for poverty level health insurance anyway.....? How's that for ya?  It could be couldn't it?

I think often when something that we perceive as being negative happens we dive into our fears and forget what could the bigger picture really be here.   It could very well be that...

****Ok so todays lesson I waited until right this moment to read it. Lesson 5 - from the course in Miracles Student Lessons:

"'I am never upset for the reason I think'

Description: When you sense that you are feeling pain, fear, anger, worry depression, think 'I am never upset about ___ for the reason I think'. You can also say 'There are no small upsets.  They are all equally disturbing to my peace of mind'.  Look into yourself for what ever is bothering you and repeat the main idea.  Do this for a minute or so - 3-4 times during the day."

My interpretation:  This is trying to get us to realize how much senseless fears and worry we go through everyday, we spend way too much energy worrying about useless stuff.

Be back tomorrow - PS the photo was from the tree by my apartments....They are everywhere right now.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Lesson 4 - thoughts - and health insurance

So today is lesson 4, it "These thoughts do not mean anything. They are like the things I see in this room."

Description: it says start by just paying attention to your thoughts for 1 minute. Then if you come across unhappy thoughts use this idea to apply to them. But to label your thoughts good and bad is missing the point of the exercise. After you examine your thoughts you then can say "This thought about _______ does not mean anything it is like the things I see in the room".

My interpretation: Again it is trying to break down all the busyness that has us disconnected from god and from love and forgiveness. These lessons are still very young in the concepts, so you have to just let go (if you decide to do this) and relax... This should not be scary, I read somewhere. If it is very scary maybe you are not ready to do this. But even so paying attention to your thoughts is very important for everyone.

We should all be paying attention to the crap that goes through our heads.

Soooo yesterday I had my first shakeup. I was very elated by my experience of the morning and then in the afternoon I found out I lost health insurance. And that is unsettling because I take many medicines for hypertension, thyroid, arthritis, etc. So I found myself trying to use these exercises to calm myself. Like today I am still scrambling to find a prescription drug assistance program in the meantime. I figure as long as I get my prescriptions worked out everything will be fine. But it is scary. Not feeling secure to go to the doctor when you need to is very stressful.

So I tried to use these concepts and everything happens for a reason during my Scriptwriting class last night and you know what... I was very happy. I love that class and was able to let go the attachment I had to those feelings for a few hours.. But I woke up and felt stressed again about it. Thank god  for todays lesson - my thoughts don't mean anything.. :)  .... here's to trying. I am always trying to stay positive.

On another note...  I decided today to start posting a photo a day. This is a snapshot of my vans. Yes Vans. I am 40 years old and I bought vans. It all started when I was working on the feature film and the producer had these awesome shoes... and so yeah... I bought vans.  I know I am "trying to dress like a 20 year old" but oh well, I like it.  I'm not wearing mini skirts anymore... that was my thing up till like 37... I'm tooo fat now.

Ok. so lets see how todays lesson works  all this meaninglessness in my head.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

365 day blog posts (lesson 2 & 3) - and daily stories (2 in one sorry its so long)

oK, SO THIS is inspired from The course in Miracles - Yesterday I wrote about lesson 1 but it was actually my lesson 2.... so here I will put what lessons 2 and 3 are so that we are on the same page and I will also try to post the little miracles that happen in my life at the same time.

Ok, lesson 2 for yesterday was "I have given everything I see in this room all the meaning that it has for me."

Description: Its the same as lesson one where you look around indiscriminately and repeat this to yourself. Be careful not to be compulsive about it just try to do it with a clear head.

My interpretation: This lesson is on the way to detaching you from your illogical attachments to everything we see. I did that lesson yesterday and I went to class and it was a good class.

Before the 2 week break between terms I was stressed freaking out and all sorts of stuff and now today I am feeling great. Classes seem to be going more positively and I think I got my groove back.

Though yesterday before I left for my Sound Design class I was having problems printing and I couldn't get my computer to do what I wanted it to do. so I'm freaking out, worried I'm going to be late and I grab everything and instead of bringing a dvd with my latest movie on it I brought the whole damn computer. I'm rushing downtown and I get to class exactly on time. There was an inclass exercize where I had to add sounds to a movie clip and I think I did well. It turned out I didn't even need the item I was freaking out about printing, nor the video that was on my laptop.

Isn't that just the way life is. I used to be a master at not resisting difficult things because usually they are happening for a reason. The REASON I couldn't print and the computer was slow was because I don't even need those materials until NEXT WEEK. When things are going really difficult maybe that is the universe's sign that it isn't meant to be the way you are doing it.

Ok so to get us up to date... todays lesson is #3.

"I do not understand anything I see in this room"

Description: This is done in the same way as the previous 2 the idea is to clear your past associations with things and to understand that I don't actually understand what I am seeing.

My interpretation: I think I know what I see and that I think I am looking at solid objects and real things... but really it is all like the Star Trek Hologram deck.

Today - I went to a counselling apointment. I have never actually been open to doing counselling. I tried once years ago but at the time it didn't feel like the psychologist had anythign to offer to me. But with the death of my friend who was also 1/2 of my (friend) emotional support system I decided I needed to dump out all the stress that was in my life.

You know what? I really recommend it. I mean I usually try not to dump all my stress on people because I think it just makes the stress carry onto them. And in truth I usually am the person who hears people problems. But to go and use an EAP and talk to someone who you don't know and there job is to just help you help yourself its kinda cool.

So i go there and I dump everything in a puking out story since my dad died, driving to mexico love lost, quitting my corporate job, having more children, selling the house, moving to mexico, immigration issues, more immigration issues with Canada, college, stress, dificulty making friends, having problems with small talk and telling people too much too soon.. you know is why I started blogging in the first place. 45 minutes of me just letting it all out and a couple tears. And we set another appointment and I walked out feeling a little bad for dumping on her but she said it's her job... and then I went into the trader joes and looked around and picked out some bananas and some apples and tortilla chips and then I go to pay and the guy could not read the apple lable and its said "pink Cripps" and the guy and I started joking that the cripps took over an apple orchard and they are out there in there t-shirts and guns spraypainting the trees...

We had a little laugh and I told him I'd never been to trader joes and he reached over and grabbed a peanut butter chocolate bunny and gave it to me...

there was a time when every single place I went I would get something free.

I am so getting my groove on...

I love the course in miracles.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

change your attitude and change your world - lesson 1

Keeping in mind many spiritual concepts that I've been trying to remind myself of... I am once again seeing my world change rapidly. At the end of my last term of college I was feeling high levels of anxiety, remorse about moving into apartments that don't have adequate heat, that had pests and rodents, and a really high electric bill. Guilt about my mom being injured at the facility where she lives. Yeah.. I was feeling all levels of guilt. I live my life very honestly and usually I don't have any issues with guilt. I started having this feeling like I just did not like many of my classmates.... eww, yucky feeling. to carry all of that. And then my dear friend Darcy died. Darcy is the mother of one of my oldest friends and is my friend too. And I think a lot of the anxiety that I felt had to do with her impending death.

So needless to say I started drinking a little more than usual. I have drank like 6 times in the last 2 weeks, which is a very large amount for me. I've been trying to release that stress. The other thing I've been doing other than green is reading my course in Miracles.

It doesn't really matter what spiritual path you take for your life... clearing your mind of junk really works, thinking positively really works to make miracles.

So back to where I started here, I have been remembering that everyone is me. I mean I am the driver of my own universe so everyone I see and how I perceive them is all me. I prayed to have a positive experience at college and already, I feel the kindness. The guilt I was feeling, according to my reading has no place. That's up to you whether you believe in guilt or not but The Course in Miracles clearly says that guilt is just another crutch of the ego. And personally I really like the concepts. Today I started my lessons from the course in miracles that tries to help you re - learn how to think with pure love and forgiveness, its starts very plain..

 The first lesson is "Nothing I see has meaning" I know that seems really weird to look at it that way, but the way I take it is that we put whatever attachment we feel onto the things we see when all that really matters is love, so to help you clear your mind lesson 1 is to look around your environment randomly, not compulsively 2-3 times during the day and pick out random objects and think to yourself, nothing I see has meaning.

I remember years ago when I first did this exercise it must have been 10 years ago. I felt a little lost with it. Like ... "what do you mean it has no meaning" but when I did this process in 2009 when I moved back from mexico, time actually collapsed and gave me everything I wanted at about the daily lesson 32. There are 365 lessons, and it is one of those things where if you are ready for it you are... if you are not you're not, when the student is ready the teacher will appear.

However, in the very least - if - you want to be happier - the first step you can do is to realize that all our hopes and frustrations are projected onto everything we see, if you can stay positive in your mind, your entire world will change. We hear and read it over and over and over but you just have to commit yourself to it - you can do it!