Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The opposite of joy is depression

Some time ago I highlighted parts of The Course in Miracles and when I get lost I go back and read them, if I remember or like now I stay in a state of anxiety for a few weeks before I find myself coming back to the center. My course in miracles book is falling apart and highlighted and really bad shape, I just decided to buy a new one. The one thing though that I put a piece of tape by and highlighted is this:

"When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him you see yourself. As you treat him you treat yourself. As you think of him you think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself. "

This is one of the most difficult things to do, for me, other than controlling my thoughts. This is in essence another way to control your thoughts and remember that our world is what we make it and if we are attacking people in our minds we are not being forgiving and we are essentially attacking ourselves...

well I agree with the course... what do you think?

Monday, March 28, 2011

Raining on my own parade

I desire to be uplifting and fun, I desire to be helpful and insightful, to help others to get through rough times. talking about misery only causes more misery. Well that is what I always think. I try to be positive and think I want to put more positive energy out there. But Saturday a dear friend died and the same day I got a call that the new place where my mother is at had her playing basketball and now she ended up in the hospital again.

for gods sake.

good news I moved and I got my full $800 deposit back. That is nearly a miracle. Other good news items are going on ..... I pulled my my new short film so that I can make a few edits but most people like it that have seen it. I do have some good stuff going on but I am all knotted up about losing my friend. the whole thing was crazy and I may write about it after I feel a little better.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Last week I cried

As always I've been consumed by my art and education, and then fill in every waking moment with my family.  Sooo - in the evening of last Monday ( 3/7) right after my wardrobe class I got a call that my Mom had been  assaulted. If you don't know, my mom is severely mentally ill and lives in a home with 15 other mentally ill residents.   She is harmless and seems about 25 years older than her age.  She has aged about 25 years in the last 5 years.  I'm convinced now she has dementia.  However, back to the story. The first call was that another resident attacked her and pushed her down, she had some scrapes.  I didn't rush over right away. Then I got another call saying that once she was changing with the assistance of staff there were bruises and scrapes all over her body and one on her head. I had mentioned after the first call about her brain surgery last year that if she hit her head she needs to be checked.  Then I got a call that they were taking her to emergency. Then I got a call that they were at the hospital and she had a broken shoulder and a scrape on her head.  and then later that there were 2 hematomas (blood pockets on the brain)

So 5am she was transfered to a different hospital to the trauma unit. I went over there and stayed with her all day. She was so feeble. the worker from the place where she lived was very honest with me and told me exactly what was REALLY going on in the home and how she had been worried about my mom for some time.  that is before the management tried to change the stories. ..... At the end of the day they finally took care of the so called SCRAPE on her head,  which was actually a very deep puncture,  she had to get 5 stitches.  and the neurologist said there were no new hematomas.  which is suspicious to me because I think they are thinking more cost benefit on this, since her baseline is so bad now....

The employee at the home where my  mom lived told me that the resident that did the attack - gets very agitated and had been agitated for several days. That resident has a history of targeting people, for a few days she had actually targeted staff and attacked staff. and they left this resident alone with my mom.... where my mom was duped into helping her and then punched and thrown down the stairs.

Also my mom has documented weight loss of 30 pounds since October, she is now only 100 lbs. In my entire life she has always been more or less 150/160...... up until the last few years she did start losing weight. Which I think is a dementia symptom.  Now she is in limbo trying to get placed  somewhere appropriate. I am pressing charges against the resident that did it.  And I think there is a case of neglect with the home. I was very happy with this place, before that. Because the employees obviously care about my mom. But the management and Psychiatrist dont care as much, they are more concerned about  legalities and costs etc.  But that first day in the hospital was hard on me. I felt somehow responsible because I am her guardian, she is so incredibly thin and deteriorating rapidly and at the end of the night when I had to leave she was in bed all bandaged up and I said mom, I love you and I have to go, and she looked up at me with her gigantic betty davis blue eyes and said, "I'll be ok"


I'm sorry, for swearing.... but that has got to be the saddest moment I have experienced in a long time...

And I'm in finals  and I just moved and my new apartment is not weatherized and we are very cold and my and my electric bill is 4 times of the last apartment and.

I cried all the way home, when I saw a homeless person asking for money on the freeway off ramp I was crying, and when I got home I tried to explain to my husband I can't be the strong one today.... and then when he got pissy with me I exploded and I told him that I warned him.... I can't be the strong one today. and I went to sleep. It took a few days to get back to being the strong one....

... well I'm just trying to stay positive...and .... please pray for her and me if you believe in that. Thanks and god bless everyone.

** today 3/18 she was put into a new home but it was very sad. The place is very nice for her but I can see her deteriorating rapidly. She has been saying she is blind in one eye, I thought it was her delusion but today I got a good look into her eye, and in the middle of the iris instead of black its blue.   but the place is nice.