Friday, December 30, 2011

technology overload... the american way?

3 years ago I was going to the internet cafe in Puerto Vallarta just to check my email. And now, I am in Technology Overload. We now have a laptop computer, desktop computer, with broadband internet and wireless internet. We now as of Xmas have a PS3, and 2 smart phones, 3 external hard drives( 1 tb, 1 500gig, 1 640 gig,) and 3 internal hard drives,( 1 tb, 2 500 gig, )

AND NO DISHWASHER! Oh my god, I'm moving. This just doesn't make any sense.

I think I'm getting a headache from all this technology.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Stardom? where does it come from .....and... I love Queen Latifa

I was sitting and reading an article in Essence about Queen Latifa. I am not black but I had lots of air miles to use up and magazines were free, and I like to read a variety of stuff. Essence does a little bit of ... "we are different from other women" meaning black women face different issues. I think it is true, after about a year of reading the magazine I think its true. Black women have to fight even harder than white women for the same things. They want to support their men and their men have gotten this track record, very generally speaking here, of not staying with their women. Also black women have had to become tough. I am not certain that a chip on the shoulder is necessary, but again - generally speaking here, I can see how it has come about, its been a rough ride. I mean I've had a hard life too. I was brought up in poverty. I hope to never become that kind of tough that is cold and scary though, that happens to some women whose life has been too hard.

Honestly, I have to say, most of the time I have not wanted for much. Not to say I was not poor, I was very poor, but over all god has always come through. There were a few times in my childhood, teenage years, and when I lived in Mexico I had wants and needs that were not met - like I could not afford soap or food, or utilities. I have become a strong woman also.

I sat and I read about Queen Latifa. She is about 2 years older than me and she still has her parents. Such a lucky women. I've been an orphan since 1999 - technically speaking, since my father died and my mother has been severely mentally ill . I really don't have any family support. Her mother was an Art Teacher and her Father a Police man (a good one). She is really a great example of someone with a solid upbringing, but also with that element of risk that I believe is necessary to open your mind. There has to be some adventure in your life, I believe people should not be too safe, or let fears control them.

According to this article which I recommend. queen latifa that apparently you cannot read without a subscription, her brother was just that element that helped her have the right balance. And her slightly older brother was smart and adventurous. She had a perfect balance of personalities that left her able to absorb necessary components to be very well rounded. I read this well written article about her wondering why I am in the situation I am in. (moment of poor me - as an ophan - god has a plan) and I thought of this issue - I mean there is this quote (and I'm certain I'll mess it up a little) but a star is someone who rises or fights their way to the top. A leader is someone who helps the people around them rise to the top with them.

When I was 17 I had these creative energies and hardhsips brewing in my soul that I wanted to express, I had a burning desire to prove to the people that used to make fun of me that I AM special. One boyfriend told me it was a just a dream and I'd never be anything.

And then... then I got older and I had a few more issues and I systematically worked through all my burning issues and fears and lost that feeling that I wanted to rise to the top. I was content to accept my mission that on any given day as an Executive Assistant, wife, and Mother my personal challenge and mission was to uplift the people around me. Not career-wise or business-wise but on an interpersonal level of empathy and compassion that I saw a friend of mine do, by the name of Rebekah. Now rebekah had this way of intelligently and very aware exude kindness to people of any type. She had an issue with me once because I had a desire to shake things up. I had a desire in about 1997 to be in the face of people who held onto the idea of social restrictions too tightly, and I wanted to splat out obnoxious ideas to them to shake them up. And she thought that this concept was on the side of rude and less kind then was necessary to be a good person. I am not certain where I stand right now on this issue but part of me still wants to be a rock and roll Joan Jett crazy drinking party girl, who breaks boundaries, by proving that a woman can be a good person, live assertively, be a good friend, be honest, be promiscuous, be spiritual, be intelligent and a good business woman all at the same time.

That is what I am fighting for, I suppose I am a feminist of some kind. I still want to break boundaries. My favorite conversation topic is sex. but you know what? I have faith stronger than steel. I have compassion for every person. And My children love me, and my husband loves me, and I love myself. I'm always working on that but I do.

I just want to say that Queen Latifa ROCKS, and she may have had a foundation we do not all receive, but we can all be like her. We must be brave, and we may be fighting adversity. We can all be strong, and we can all be honest, and we can all be kind. Even if everyday you work at a 7/11 or just take care of your children. Our energies are like a pebble that is dropped into a pond, the ripples get bigger as they go out farther. You may just say one nice thing you were thinking but that energy affects a person who then carries it on to the next person, in a pay it forward fashion.

Merry Xmas - we all have something to give even if it doesn't feel like we are making a difference, we are. Whether you are Queen Latifa or a stay at home mom, or a factory worker, or a college student. We do make a difference...EVERY DAY.

Puerto Vallarta Girl in Portland

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Joe Arpaio gets his immigration power revoked - it is also found his office failed to investigate 400 or more sex crimes involving latino victims. sick man

Immigration agents to screen Arizona jail inmates
The Homeland Security Department says it will replace Maricopa County officers after revoking Sheriff Joe Arpaio's authority to access agency systems.
The Associated Press, December 20, 2011,0,7573562.story

The Homeland Security Department will use 50 immigration agents to screen jail inmates in Arizona's most populous county after revoking the sheriff's authority to access its systems, the agency said Monday in a letter to Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.).

The letter from Homeland Security Assistant Secretary Nelson Peacock, obtained by the Associated Press, says the 50 dedicated agents will 'screen, identify, apprehend and remove criminal aliens' found in Maricopa County jails.

The agents will replace county officers who had special training and the authority to perform the task in Sheriff Joe Arpaio's lockups. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano revoked that authority last week after a Justice Department investigation concluded that Arpaio's office engaged in a pattern and practice of civil rights and constitutional violations and discriminated against Latinos.

Arpaio strongly disputed the Justice Department findings and said Monday that the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents won't come close to replacing the 91 officers who had been doing the work. He said agents won't be in the jails and won't deport all illegal immigrants.

'They're going to have people answering telephones and deciding what levels they're going to deport,' Arpaio said. 'This is just to pacify the public that they aren't going to be released. And they are going to be released.'

That's not the case, according to an ICE statement sent in response to Arpaio's comment that agents would not actually be in the jails.

'As was done previously, all individuals booked into the Maricopa County jail will be screened to determine if they are removable from the United States,' the agency said. Those arrested for criminal offenses who are in the country illegally will be 'removed from the United States in line with our priorities.'

The government's report released last week found that Arpaio's office committed a wide range of civil rights violations against Latinos, including jail policies that deprive prisoners of basic constitutional rights. It also found that his office failed to investigate sex crimes involving Latino victims.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Laughter Yoga..

I just did a drop in Yoga class and the instructor did laughter yoga... it seriously tripped me out.

Marriage games

If you read my notes the other day about half the stuff swirling around my head you know I made an irresponsible remark about asking my husband for an open marriage. Well I've worked through those emotions. And on Saturday I threw it out to him randomly and shocked him. That experience made me realize what I was going for with the whole concept. It is not that I want an open relationship, its that I want my husband to actually listen to me when I say we are on shaky ground. the September phone call thing put a crack in our foundation. I love my husband and we met almost 13 years ago, December 31, 1998. I've been talking to him about what I need in this relationship and he has been sort of shaking his head yes and ignoring me. But when I threw out that remark to him on Saturday, very casually, it freaked him out. It made him realize that even though everything feels great and perfect for him, I was not ok.

Why does it take such extremes to get someone to listen to you? Seeing him freaked out and watching him realize that I have been serious was very gratifying for me. I wanted him to realize that we NEED TO INVEST in our relationship.

He has seriously undervalued our strengths as a couple. #1 I like sex and want sex that is not all about him and he just needs to get a grip on that because that is tearing us apart. #2 We are really great together going out and having fun. When we lived in PV we were such a fun pair. Before we moved to Mexico everyone wanted to party with us to "say goodbye" it is really strange how people will not go out with you until you are about to move 3000 miles away, then they want to spend time with you. Regardless of that rant, hubby and I have fun the same way. We are silly and relaxed. But what has been happening since we've moved back to the US is we NEVER go out and have fun together. And that has seriously taken its toll. How on earth am I supposed to be "In Love" with him if he is not giving me any of the things that make me fall "In Love" with him. I fell in love with him because of the way he danced and the way he blew my hair back with random words of wisdom. For a long time he doesn't do either. The power that man holds by just taking 5 minutes and dancing in the kitchen with me is like a miracle from heaven, that he is not taking advantage of. A random bite on the neck wouldn't hurt either. 13 years is a difficult number but I hope now with my verbal assault of concepts, he will step up and do the things that make me have that "In Love" feeling.

signing out
PV girl in Portland

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Joe Arpaio Investigation finally reveals what a douchebag he is. We all knew it anyway though right?

From an email received from The American Immigration Council

For Immediate Release
DOJ Report Slams Sherriff Joe Arpaio and DHS Restricts 287(g) and Secure Communities Programs
December 15, 2011

Washington D.C. - After a three-year investigation into the abusive practices of Sherriff Joe Arpaio’s Maricopa County Sherriff’s Office (MCSO), the Department of Justice (DOJ) announced today that it had found a pattern and practice of civil rights abuses, including extreme cases of racial profiling. The enormity of the violations, the majority of which were experienced by immigrants and Latinos, has led the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) to suspend its cooperation agreement (under section 287(g)) with the sheriff’s office and restrict the MCSO’s access to immigration databases through the Secure Communities program.

The dual announcements from DOJ and DHS reinforce what many in Arizona and the broader immigration community have long argued: the practice of allowing local law enforcement to enforce federal immigration law increases the likelihood of racial profiling and pretextual arrests which leads to disastrous results for entire communities.

The DOJ’s Assistant Attorney General for the Civil Rights Division Thomas E. Perez commented on the investigation noting “MCSO’s systematic disregard for basic constitutional protections has created a wall of distrust between the sheriff’s office and large segments of the community, which dramatically compromises the ability to protect and serve the people. The problems are deeply rooted in MCSO’s culture, and are compounded by MCSO’s penchant for retaliation against individuals who speak out.”

The DOJ has requested a response from Maricopa County and writes “If MCSO is not interested or if we deem that MCSO is not engaged in good-faith efforts to achieve compliance by voluntary means, we are prepared to file a civil action to compel compliance.”

The report contains a review of the constitutional abuses rampant in Maricopa County including an analysis by a leading expert on measuring racial profiling who examined MCSO traffic stops and found that “Latino drivers were between four to nine times more likely to be stopped than similarly situated non-Latino drivers. Overall, the expert concluded that this case involves the most egregious racial profiling in the United States that he has ever personally seen in the course of his work, observed in litigation, or reviewed in professional literature.”

Today’s announcements also highlight the critical issues at stake in the upcoming Supreme Court review of Arizona’s SB 1070, a law that institutionalized the role of state law enforcement in federal immigration matters. Even under the best of circumstances, ceding immigration authority to state officers presents an array of complex and politically charged issues. Under the worst of circumstances, as illustrated by Sherriff Arpaio’s MCSO, state and local law enforcement agencies enforcing federal immigration laws can be disasterous.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

A Mother's Intuition - My most recent short

If anyone wants to see my latest short -here it is.

Friday, December 9, 2011

All the things running through my head. - forgive the saying but I just puked out...some of the stuff running through my head - not even half of it.

Ever since the whole texting phone relationship thing I sort of lost something in my marriage. Or not exactly lost but I let go. I remember when we were first together and we had an open relatioinship. And I've actually been thinking to ask my husband for an open marriage. I wonder if he will read this? Sometimes he actually does read my blog.

I Haven't written for awhile. Been really busy. I filmed a short movie that should have been amazing but the guy who ran the camera... maybe intentionally shot it bad? I don't know Or I just may have come to the conclusion that I am too good of a photographer to have someone else run the camera, I guess.

Last weekend my daughter turned 9 years old. We had a slumber party. 8 little girls me organizing games, my favorite the bubble gum game. You put a plate out for each little girl and put a piece of gum on it and cover it with whipped cream, then without any hands they have to find the bubbble gum and chew it and the first person to blow a bubble wins.

My children (2 youngest) tell me they love me all the time, several times a day. I asked my friend the other day.... what am I doing so right? I wish I did it with my eldest son cause he barely wants to be around me. But he is 19....

My assertiveness is causing me a problem again. People are not inviting me to work with them as much as I'd like. But I do make new friends so who knows.

This is me.... I make real friends. Not acquaintances. If you read this blog much I've mentioned before my self protection method of freaking people out early on to weed out the weak of heart. If they cant handle that then they have no business being my friend. But then I end up feeling like shit that not everyone likes me.

That's the other thing. I've been feeling so sensitive lately.

Good news, I've been deepening my female friendships.

Good news, I stopped obsessing about dying like a year ago.

Interesting point in my life, I want to work with other people but I'm thinking freelance, I want to create art to better the world.

I have an opportunity to work on an interesting (non paid) project but I am thinking about backing out. Reason is it does not fit into my life goal of my art. I want to create movies that uplift and better the world and I don't want to be a sellout. And this piece I am talking about does not fit into my personal parameters.

I almost feel like my most recent project was almost a sell out.

Here is what I consider giving value and helping the world. Creating a movie that inspires the viewer to think deeper within themselves in a good way, or inspires them to take action that betters the world, inspires forgiveness or kindness, or at the very least gives them happiness for a moment and takes them away from what ever they are worried about.

The reason I have stayed away from horror and several types of films is because to do one feels like a sell out.

So I have this piece I'm almost done with - I mentioned earlier(terrible photography - by the camera guy) and it feels like a sellout (I knew it the minute I wrote it) because it does none of these things. My bestest friend, Laura, told me it does better the world because it educates people.

The subject, a nice guy pedophile. And a protective mother. The acting is good, the story is good, it is short... I believe in the law of attraction and I think it does not better the world. I did plan to put it into festivals, before the terrible photography, and now I think I will just add it to my youtube... and hope again the next project is up to my standards, good photography and uplifting. One good thing I learned my best friend is an exceptional actress.

I'm so busy running around with my head cut off doing a million things that I need to slow down and appreciate what is important to me.

I had a bad dream about my children last night what does that mean. I guess to me what it means is I need to cherish the ones I love.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

just want to say one thing

I'm feeling a little nervous, a little overwhelmed, a little moody.. and like people don't like me. and I know ... I KNOW... it all comes down to one thing... my spiritual practice... so whats my problem I must make that a priority.... I have to.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Simvastatin, weight gain and acne/rash

Update on weight gain. Its been about 2 to 2 1/2 months since I stopped taking Simvastatin and I now have lost 10 lbs without changing my eating habits.  I am not certain that Simvastatin causes weight gain, however I am certain it prevents weight loss. Since I was up to 183 and now I am at 172 with no change to my eating habits and minimal change to my exercise habits.

Another issue, since I started taking Simvastatin in May of 2010 I noticed everytime I would miss a few days of the medicine I would break out in acne and/or rash on my shoulders and sometimes face. Now that I've been off of the Simvastatin for over 2 months the rash has gone away and my normal (pre Simvastatin) skin is back. I have always had some problems with Acne but no huge rash.  The rash was very stressful and  upsetting. it was as if every cell was inflamed on my shoulders.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I've been feeling more like an orphan lately

been feeling a little off, with turbulence in my relationship. My mom has been hospitalized for 3 weeks and will be moved to the State Hospital again.  And then there is this very strange feeling of being let go from a basically volunteer job I was doing. I was getting paid a small stipend of $10/hr. but as administrative I used to make over twice that so it was just a token. Anyway, Women in film has more than doubled the number board members they have, which logically you would think they needed more support but the way they look at it is to divide up the work among the board members. So I was assured it is nothing that reflects onto me personally but that they just don't have a need for me anymore... HOWEVER, it is a strange feeling being fired, regardless.

I've been laid off a few times because of mergers. And then there was the time "laid off"  was actuality fired, only 1 time. Which was due to some personality issues, as well as economical issues. So now I guess it isn't much different. Its just USUALLY I work for a place on a temporary basis and they go to extremes to keep me there, because I am a very very hard worker and take job ownership. So it sort of messes with my psychology to be let go, for a 10/hr a month job, being paid 1/2 or less of my usual rate.

The answer to my feeling of weirdness... spiritual centered ness, I turned to my course in miracles again. And I felt almost immediately better.

Halloween photos of my little ones...I don't have any photos of my big one

Friday, October 28, 2011

based on some input from class I re-edited the self portrait and DECIPHERED it below

There is several messages in this short film. There is the idea that I am searching for peace in a world of chaos. There is also the concept that your actions in this life carry through to your childrens lives, and that how we are will affect our children in their future so be careful how you are with your children. Also in the short - when I am grabbing toward beautiful things, which represents the search for inner peace and beauty, when you hear that my instructors tell me to think more critically it turns out I am reaching for a blackberry plant. ... there are lots of little clues and deeper meaning.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

confirmed.... Italian Mafia In Puerto Vallarta working in Time Shares

I don't want to mention the name of the resort I worked for in Mexico, for approximately 1 week. I was fired because I couldn't lie. I decided just now to google them to see the progress of their scam. No changes, hundreds of people, probably thousands of people were scammed.

But I saw this post by a new member of a forum that was discussing whether they would get their money back. It could very well be a tactic to make sure people don't fight for their money back.. who knows.. it scares me. ... (copied and pasted)

Antonio is the leader/god father. Johnathan is his son. Nico is his cousin.
Some of the other names you mentioned are his captains. He is American/Italian
Mafia and he is a sociopath, most likely a psychopath. Although he can be powerfully charming and convincing if it benefits him, he has no conscience, no morals, no principles, and is capable of most anything. All carry concealed weapons (and for good reason!) and body guards abound.

My advice is to stay away from the (name deleted) . If you knew the history and actions of these individuals, you would realize you are into something horrible. I know them better than most and if you knew what they have done to people and their money, you would be shocked.

10s of millions have been made and there will be nothing to show for it for the poor people who have invested and trusted in him.

I knew when I met the head guy that he seemed like a Mafia head.

So glad I didn't continue working for them, it was hard though.... they wanted to pay me 17,000 pesos per month. Its like about 1500 dollars a month. When most people with a college education in PV get like 5000 pesos a month. It was very cool. But it felt wrong, if they didn't fire me, I would have quit anyway.

Its just a trip to read it so plain as day. Makes me a little paranoid.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Thank you Blockbuster for staying around. The real world vs. eworld - Blockbuster comeback

I don't really follow the stock market but - this morning I googled a thought that ran through my head. Anyone out there switch back to Blockbuster after Netflix raised their prices...? I was getting bored with Netflix anyway, so we started another 4 week free trial with Blockbuster. And you know what, I bet if you walk into a Blockbuster this evening it will be just like I experienced,  it will be hopping just like it was 2002. On Sunday night, it was busy, there was even a line to get out with 2 cashiers working. (background) The last few times (before this) I went into Blockbuster it was D E A D.  I mean, no one else in the store quiet enough to take a nap, not even music going or a movie in the background. But now its busy again.

If you don't know already when you have a Blockbuster Online Account you get your movie in the mail and then you can also exchange your movies in the store for no fee, even for new releases. And the best thing is, Blockbuster always has movies before everyone else does. Well that is how it was in the past, I hope that stays the same with Dish owning them.

To be honest, there is something fun about getting the family into the car and excitedly talking about what movie you want and then wandering around the store and physically looking for that movie you want to go home and watch that night.  It's more exciting than putting a Netflix on your queue, or watching a Netflix movie you totally get into and having it stall at the precise moment when you are dying to know what happens next.   The other thing is, it's fun, every time you get a Blockbuster movie in the mail, you are motivated to watch it sooner, because you can go to the physical store and trade it in as soon as you are done.

At this time Blockbuster doesn't have full streaming capabilities .....yet, however, I guess since Dish Network bought them it is coming soon.  But as far as the Dish Network issue.... here is my issue with the whole thing, If you are paying, what ever exorbitant fees for Dish Network, why do you need Blockbuster?  However, Dish is smart to buy Blockbuster and get those contract commitment phobes out there, like me.  Note to Dish Network, if you offered a cheaper set up fee with no annual contract or I should say no 2 year contract, I would probably have Dish Network right now instead of cable. I don't like any contract that makes you pay a fee to cancel.  Just sayin.

This idea brings up a bigger issue. Sure I buy stuff online that I can't find easily or cheaply locally. Sometimes, I don't want to drive around to 5 stores looking for something I know I can find much cheaper on or ebay. And with my free student prime membership on Amazon,  I get free 2 day shipping.  I do love option that Amazon has offered me. However, I LOVE browsing a store like say ...Target for example and buying what I see in the clearance isle, or the newest fashions or what ever. If you need something specific and you cannot find it at your local Target, but you love Targets stuff, go online and search their website, often you can find it in the clearance area. They do charge shipping for items under... I think it's $50 orders, but its often still worth it,  I bought a cute bathing suit for my daughter online on Target, which was out of season at the local Target, for only $4.98 last week, and a very cute summer dress, also out of season at the local Target for $4.98.  but they charged me 5.98 shipping, still worth it. If I bought those 2 items at the local target, *(which they are out of season so it won't be available till next year) the price would have been about $35.

At one point it seemed our world was headed to a.... everyone stays home and works in their pajamas kind of world. But that has sort of gone full circle, it works for some people, especially people who move internationally and want the US dollars. And then it also seemed like everyone started moving to a online shopping community, but honestly, some peoples only option to get out of the house is to go shopping.

I finally think, I mean forsee, that our future is not only an E world, with online shopping, online movies, and telecommuting, but it is a well balanced world where we do go out and we do interact with the world.  So Blockbuster, I know you changed owners, but I just want to say, thank you for hanging in there Blockbuster, its like getting in touch with an old friend and realizing why haven't I seen you more?

Retailers out there, be savvy, you still have a market you just have to know how to wager it. Kudos dish.

PS. Netflix, why mess up a good thing, you really messed up with the split and rasing prices. . You had that wallmart mentality going for you... now your screwed.

Monday, October 17, 2011

After the freakout

So on Friday, I sort of got pissed about the whole thing but by the end of the day when I was bugging E at work he said he almost cut himself and I felt really bad.  And after that I felt over it. What happened was I had texted back and forth with the girl, in spanish basically telling her why she crossed the line. I was not upset with her when I found out about this thing, I was upset with my husband. But when she called him on his brothers phone all sneaky like, I was upset with her. I start the conversation out in a rather, immature manner. I sent her a text that said, "Say hi to your husband for me, is he cute? "  She responded by saying that she did not have a husband and that I had nothing to worry about etc etc. When I asked E about it he said that he didn't know why she said she did not have a husband, but she told him she did. I think maybe she "doesn't" have a husband now because she doesn't want me to tell him about the situation.

In other news, I spent the whole weekend with my family. We went to the park on Saturday, for a little bit, and yesterday we went swimming at the community center.  I did not focus on my homework enough. And that is what I must do right now, reading and writing, and planning future projects.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Does infidelity cause brain damage? My windshield is chipped, so to say. ....

So it's interesting the stages we go through of processing information.  I found out about the phone/text relationship that E established with this ex girlfriend from when he was 14 years old... She has 3 children and lives in Texas supposedly. I hope she really does live in Texas. Her phone number is a texas phone number, so I'm hoping she is still there.

And I took it well, and calm. And I surprisingly did not make a big deal about it. Which may be a bad sign.  I've always known this about myself.... when I freak out about stuff it is because I care, and when I am indifferent.. that is actually a bad sign.  At first I felt sort of indifferent. And a fews days have passed, and enrique's family is making jokes with him about how he got caught. And he is laughing about it.

I don't know if I mentioned it but that chick called my husband after I sent her a message, but here is the thing she called him on his brothers phone.... Here is her picture... Her name is Norma Samano. My little girl just said that she is pretty just now.. I saw some of her other pictures...This is the best of course.

I'm very mad at her for calling my husband after I told her I knew, and to stop contacting him. And he told me.

For some reason today, I guess my mind is mad... I felt like doing revenge... like doing the immature act of publicly sending her a message, but I resisted. And... well she isn't going to see this.. First off I don't even know if she speaks English. Anyway, as hard as I've been trying to be forgiving - I'm feeling petty and revengeful. And maybe this put a chip in my windshield and we all know, once its chipped usually it means you are going to have to replace the whole thing...

** update - does infidelity cause brain damage?  Or immaturity?  I swear I just texted this girl and told her " Say hi to your husband for me, is he cute?"  What is wrong with me?

Monday, October 10, 2011

Marriage has it's ups and downs photo post... soliciting relationship advice see the end of post

Within the first year....

I'm sort of down today... Ok I am not sort of down, i'm down...  Hubby and I have a long history. We actually met before my dad died. But unfortunately, E never met him.   Soooo Here we are in the first year.

Very close to when we first started seeing each other
still within the first year
This is 2002ish, just after we bought our  big house, and before he cut his hair.. sexy man. 

This is when before 2 years were up he went to mexico and I was so lost without him I drove down to central Mexico by myself... that's my car... I'm the one taking the photo of course. And this place where we were waiting, a make shift chiropractor office. those scare me...

this is just after we married. But because he went back to Mexico, he missed the deal that Clinton signed on December 20, 2000 that would have gotten us everything we wanted

Just after Junie was born....I was on Maternity Leave... 

Teal with Junie

Junie was under 2 by now I had quit my job I think.... This photo was at bagby hotsprings....  I love this... I know its risque... but it really was innocent..  My nose looks so much better when  I'm thinner.

Me pregnant with Jimi in 2006 9 month pregnant

When Jimi was born  - less than a year before we moved to mexico.

Just after we got to Puerto Vallarta...

One year there....

The Summer when I had already moved back but we went back for the summer. 

Well, the uploading feature is giving me problems -so I can't get as many posted as I wanted...... but what I am getting at is on 12/31/2011 it will have been 13 years since we first met and started seeing each other.  We had 2 years of rockiness and pretty smooth since then.

Over all its been very solid the whole time.. I hear 13 is a dificult year, but I am committed and I love him, and I am still attracted to him.  It's not easy, its not simple, I'm a hot blooded woman just like everyone else and I have people I feel attracted to, but with my marriage being strong I don't seem to have a problem keeping it in check. Here is the thing, Enrique added an ex girlfriend's sister to his facebook. I said "be careful" ,and "what are you going to do when the ex girlfriend adds you." He said it wouldn't be a problem.

Then she did of course add him, about a month ago. (I just found this out last night) Then I guess one way or another the ex girlfriend got his phone number and she lives in Texas, supposedly. And they started texting and talking on the phone... etc... So I figured that all out yesterday, because I saw her on his facebook, and I asked and (I know him VERY WELL AFTER 13 YEARS) and he lied right to my face and said that was not his ex. His ex was Nora not Norma... and I forced him to tell the truth, which little by little he did, but he would lie first until I would make him tell me the truth. And I kept offering just tell me everything, you know I know how to check up on the phone.

So I look up the texts and he was texting her like 3-8 times a day his side, and her back the same amount, and talking on the phone to her 1 to 3 times per week. And .... 

Well, what do I do? I find myself attracted to people here and there....  but I always, ALWAYS talk about my husband a lot and well, try to ignore it. 

Should I trust him? 

He say's he is really sorry, and he feels bad for not being honest and he says that he will not lie to me anymore. And I accepted my part in it. Maybe I have been focusing on my career tooo much... 

any advice anyone?

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Brookie Singing - with the Bed of Roses Song...

a friend of mine had a birthday party for her daughter yesterday and she said she wanted to have a music  vidoe on youtube singing it.... so I had her sing the song 4 times, really in formally... and put together this music video today....

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Does Simvastatin cause weight gain?

Since the stroke in May of 2010, my doctor put me on simvastatin a medicine which lowers cholesterol. Now this medicine did help to lower cholesterol and the other medicines have enabled me to live a normal life.  But I noticed that I gained 15+ lbs since I started college. Now I'm wondering if the whole time the weight gain was because of the Simvastatin.  I'm saying that because I've been off of it for about 3 weeks and I've lost 8 lbs without trying, I'm doing the exact same thing that I've been doing since I started taking it. Which is barely eating half the time.  So... does it cause weight gain?  I personally think it did. I'm hoping to get down to my normal weight of 160ish. Of course i'd like to be thinner, but I've been at a terribly high 180 to 182 for awhile now - so at this point my normal weight would be great, and I could not for the life of me figure out why I was gaining. I'm thinking now it must have been the Simvastatin.  If I google it all I can find is that there is no conclusive evidence that it causes weight gain. What a crock. I get the feeling that unless 50% or more of people have a certain reaction they say there is no conclusive evidence..

*** update/well, I'm not sure but I gained a few pounds back so maybe  it was just a coincidence... we will see, if my weight gradually goes lower and lower I will know.  I was also taking amlodipine with simvastatin so it is good I quit because there are new studies that show the combination is not good.

This little guy was born knowing how to charm.

And the thing is he doesn't have that evil personality that some charmers do when you turn your back. I know what your thinking... how would I know your his mom.  He really is a sweet boy. Who tells ladies, "Your beautiful". Everyone loves to hear that.  He is funny he tells jokes, and does a beat box.  He always says off the wall little jokes that crack us up. He is 5 years old and concerned that I have his hair done a certain way...  But not overly concerned. He makes requests to wear certain outfits because he wants to look handsome. This is a photo from a few months ago he wanted to wear that outfit, but I made him put the white t-shirt on too.

Well, I'm writing about Jimi today because he keeps telling me he can see the future. I kind of believe him, he is one of those sensitive, patient, and understanding children. The only issue is when he is in trouble he takes it really hard, and when he is scared he freaks out.  Such as, him being a picky eater, if I say he has to have 1 bite of something that he is going to like once he tries it, for example spagetti, he will lose his mind before he takes a bite and then say,   "Oh....its yummy." That is after there has been a huge climatic argument, crying, screaming,  about that same bite.

Anyway, so he keeps telling me he can see the future. He says it like this, "Mommy, do you know, I can not only see right here but I can see in the future too".  Sometimes he explains it and I think he actually means the past? But other times he might be seeing the future, because it seems so random what he says. One day I asked what he could see and he said, "You are at your school, by the bathrooms, talking to some people".
Another issue I wanted to express is that when I do my spiritual reading everday I have a deep sense of inner peace, and when I don't, I get all sorts of strange thoughts going through my head like guilt and fear.  What ever you celebrate for spirituality remember when you feel lost, sad, insecure, or fearful, the core of it is faith. I have to continually remind myself...
Today's prediction from Jimi, in the future we will have a bathroom that is very not the current bathroom, a different one, but it is very very dark.   I'm thinking, he's in there and the powers off?

Who knows, I love my children and then grow up so fast.  Teal is 19 in college and I rarely see him.  Make time. I have to remind myself, make time to play with them.


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Here is a trailer for a film my friend is working on

His name is Aaron NC and he put this together all by himself, it is utterly amazing!

Monday, October 3, 2011

Weird in P-Town Episode 4 - The Peculiarium - Fun News in Portland

Here is the most recent episode of my webshow.. I am very thankful that I have Tiffany Forni willing to work with me on this show. She is very beautiful and exciting and fun. Here is a link to1 story about her, if you google Tiffany Forni many stories and beautiful photos come up.

Anyway, we experienced some very strange audio problems on this shoot.  I think.... aliens, ghosts, or zombies were interfering  with our mic frequencies. :)

Anyway, this one is not for the faint of heart.... Its scary....

Sunday, October 2, 2011

na na na na na.. I have a best friend now.

So I've been back from Mexico 2 1/2  years- In 2007 right before I sold the big 5 bedroom 3 bath house,  I met a girl that lived across the street. She is a pretty little soft spoken friendly latina, who was raised in the US by an American Mother, very intelligent and articulate, and talks as fast or faster than I do.  We started becoming friends at the time, and then I moved to Mexico. Coincidentally her husband is from about 10 ish miles away from where my husband is from. (My husband is from a town outisde of Morelia, Michoacan called. El Alto de Aviles, which is outside a bigger town Called Albaro de Obregon. Accross the street from the Morelia Airport. Her husband is from Zinapecuaro about 10ish miles east of there)

Here is a google map

View Larger Map
While I was in Mexico I kept in touch with her loosely and then when I moved to my current apartment I moved like 1000 feet away from her house... and we have been visiting when ever I get the chance. Our children adore each other. We did water Zumba together last week, and we have been cultivating our friendship for a few months, and now... finally now... I feel like I have a best friend again. I have some other friends that I am getting to know too, but she is someone I can open up to 100% without feeling like I have to edit anything.

I've also been figuring out what friendships do not benefit me. I have one person that was supposed to be my friend, but continually ignores any requests I have, is not considerate to my feelings, blows up at me  alot.... So that's not happening anymore.

It's nice to have a best friend again. It feels really nurturing. Ever since Darcy died, I dont' have someone who I can fully confide in....

That's all for now...

Saturday, October 1, 2011

And I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Isn't it strange when you are pretty safe confiding  your life to the internet. It's weird because I probably could type the most intimate thoughts on here and my husband would never read this blog.

I love him in many ways on many days. I heard this song Recently that reminds me ....

but the sad thing is I can write what ever I want here and even though he knows about my blog he won't read my blog. 

It's not that he cant, he can read, he is lazy. He prefers reality tv and novellas, to learning. And this is actually something I've really been worrying about. When I started college he expressed to me a worry he has.. the idea that.... one person puts the other person through college, and when they are done they leave the person who put them through college.

I thought about this and ... my opinion is... it happens because the person in the relationship who is not in college doesn't learn new things and move forward. 

and that is what I am worried about right now... Yet... I drove 3100 miles to be with him..  and he did the same for me....  but can I find what I'm looking for?  Sometimes I feel like I am satisfied with my life wherever I am... And other times I feel like I keep so busy that maybe I am looking for something. 

Monday, September 19, 2011

Karma test today - met a blind man who was lost

What an amazing day this turned out to be. I have been trying to tie up all sorts of lose ends and get little things done since I'm out of class for a few weeks. I ended up running around all day and I started feeling tired and ill as the weather got nicer and nicer. My husband comes home and says we are all going for a bike ride. He is so sweet. I wanted to get out of the house before Winter sets in again.... so reluctantly I did.

Oh the oxygen.

Ahhh it is so nice to be out on a nice summer(ish) eve and ride bikes with the family. So we go to the community center and check on getting a family pass, they have quite the deal. A family pass for $54 per month, includes swimming and group exercize. They even have zumba - and zumba in the water - which I looked up and does not look quite as graceful, but probably much more my speed.

So anyway, we played 2 games of Foosball - it was Jimi and Enrique against June and I, and June and I almost won both games, which is a first for us. Usually Enrique kicks our butt(s). It ended up being 1 to 1 and lots of victory dances and victory laps and yelling in victory and all that. So we leave the community center, and walk around the track a few times.. Ok I'm lying we walked around the track one time. and then we decided to head back. June found someones backpack outside, so we sent her to turn it in at the Community Center.  We get on our bikes and head back. Were zooming down the street on our bikes and we were on the sidewalk because the street was narrow and cars lined the streets. And June was ahead of me.  I saw a lady coming and a blind man seeming a little confused. I told June to get off the sidewalk and she does. And the blind man sat down, and grabbed his knees and started rocking back and forth.  We approached and I tried to say as politely as possible "Do you need any assistance?"
He stood up and said he was trying to get back to Russellville commons. Which happened to be across the street.  I said if he wanted I could walk him accross the street. But he insisted that he wanted to go back to where he started and then start over and would I mind walking with him to the main street so he can start over and I could be his eyes and explain some things to him.

So my entourage was my husband pushing 2 bikes and my children and I walked with Tim  back to the main street so he could figure out how he had gotten messed up.   It took quite awhile. But I am certain it helped him immensely and for some reason I really felt a sense of accomplishment. Isn't that weird. A single random act of kindness feels me with a huge sense of accomplishment.

** note: I just remembered the reason I was inspired to write this is because I wanted to help Tim get a gps system, which he said he could not afford. If someone reads this and knows please comment.

I just want to say thank you god for this opportunity.

Puerto Vallarta Girl in Portland

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Interesting Article about Hipsters and Obama

Friday, September 16, 2011

Spoiler Alert - Hard Candy the movie - and memories it brought back.

Ok, so I've been in finals, whew so glad that is over. And I've been doing ton's with my webshow I have a new host Tiffany Forni, she is beautiful and exciting.  But what I wanted to talk about today is this movie that tottally tripped me out last night.  Hard Candy, so if you want to see it don't read this.  Anyway the tag line is Teenager Hayley has her own reasons for spending time with an older man she met online.  My husband understandablly did not like this film because of how it seems Hayley castrates the man. While watching this I was so terrified she was going to become the victim. I did not want to see that.  I was actually very happy that she was appearing to be the sick one, but really its hard to say if she is that sick or not, that is a matter of opinion. What Hayley is, is a vigilante.

***this turned into a walk down memory lane and sort of went off subject but bear with me.

I'm not certain if I've written it here or not but,  I was a very promiscuous youth from 13 to 18, then I was in a very monogamous relationship from 18 to 27. While I was watching this I remembered several instances when older men tried to ... court me ??? I guess you would call it... when I was a teenager. I think only 1 time did I do anything with an older guy, which I've always regretted, but it was voluntary. Unlike most promiscuous teens I never...... ever.... did anything with a man without being in total agreement, and I was never involved, except that 1 exception of 1 time, with an older man. However, I can remember several stories of how older men acted interested in me, but thank god I never fell for it. I am and have always been a very strong and independent person. I think that is because I had responsibility at such a young age. That is why this movie is so interesting to me, it felt like it was me at first.... The movie starts with a person online chatting with someone and flirting but with heavy sexual undertones. Now that part does not remind me of me, I never did that in advance of meeting someone, and hey when I was a teenager, there wasn't even the internet yet, that came in my 20's.  So she goes and meets this guy this is Ellen Page from Juno, is made up to look so very 14 years old, and tomboy ish.  It was utterly disturbing. The guy she is meeting is a supposed photographer who is handsome. She teases him and gets him to take her home, but she really has to prod him to do so, he doesn't immediately take the bait though he seems like he wants to. There is some foreshadowing, she acts happy but they show nervous looks on her face. At the time you say to yourself. "No dont' do it, if your not comfortable don't do it!".... I was very scared at this point that the film was going to be a standard, she is a victim film and he was the crazy.  They get back to his house and she talks him into having some drinks. Now at this point...  I had to pause the movie to tell my husband about all these stories that I just happened to recall in that moment.

Wow it is so scary when I think about it and what was happening at the time, REAL LIFE 1984 ish The Green  River killer for info about the green river killer click here and scroll down to the section "The History of the Green River Killer"  The Green River Killer was killing girls from my area and where I was hanging out. And,I Even knew of a girl that was killed who my friend knew, that was evidently a prostitute her name was Wanda.   Wanda is not on this list, but in that story (the link above) it is evident they did not find all the victims. Ok. So thats setting the stage. It was the 80's I had big hair and spandex.

I was promiscuous, but I didn't mess around with an older guy until 1988 in Sacramento.  But I did hitchhike often.  My friend and I did get into cars with guys we'd never met, but usually they were about our age and were party'ers with long hair and looked like Poison, or how Motley Crew used to look.   We liked our hot rockers I tell you. We did meet alot of them.   And we partied constantly... Just like that popular song right now.. last Friday night.  Except we didn't' look like that, we were hot, and there was no internet.  We used to get kegs and take them everywhere, I had fakeID since I was like 14.
Oh my god I was watching that video, I had those ear rings. there is a girl in red, with hoop red ear rings, I had those when I was 14.  gosh I wish I had my year book.... from middle school.   Ok, now I'm really getting off topic. Oh my god is that Kenny G?   Wow, well, I usually never have time to watch videos.

Ok I'm going to list the memories that came up when I was watching that movie last night:
  • About 1984 I got a ride from a guy that drove me to the end of my street. I was like 13/14 ish and I remember having a really interesting conversation with him, but I thought it was very strange how he was so fascinated by me, he was like 34 or something and he thought I was the best thing ever, he said,  and he never tried to touch me but we had a long conversation, he was ok looking but I was not the slightest bit interested in a grown man. IF my dad knew he would have literally shot this man. At the time I had no idea what was really going on. He was nice and funny and wanted to continue to be "friends" but I never saw him again. I just said, "I gotta go" and went home, and never called him even though he gave me his phone number. 
  • 1984 I was hanging out in the wrong crowd with I think this tall friend I had named Joanna and me somehow met a coke dealer who had a red corvette. Anyway I vaguely remember being told the benefits of hanging out with this guy. But he was creepy, a drug addict/dealer. it was weird so I never saw him again, and I didn't even like coke anyway. 

  • Ok then there was this other bad influence I knew in 84/85 ish and she was hanging out right where the prostitutes that got killed from the green river killer were.
    Her brother was so cute, I had a crush on him for years. He looked like Gael Garcia Bernal, Yum!I saw Scott recently and he still looks good. But thank god my infatuation was over. I had an infatuation with Scott for years. I was hanging out with his sister, who had used meth amphetamines and I actually did it with her, my first time. But the way she would get money from this OLD guy named Harold. She would ask him for money, she told me she never did anything with him. Because I was against that, and I guess even with the crowd I was involved with I was still naive enough to believe that things just came free. I mean for nearly my entire life I would spontaneously get stuff for free  so  it seems plausible. I never met Harold face to face, I only heard about him. 
  • When I lived in Woodland California, a group of my friends all got a keg and we went to a concert in Sacramento. Before or after said concert we visited some friends house, which happened to be a guy that was about 32.  he had a 5 year old child, I was 16 at the time, and I remember him trying to give me what was basically a sales pitch on why I should be his girlfriend and come and be the step mother.   But I was polite and got out of there as soon as I could. There was no real pressure but still, what is wrong with these guys? 
  • I also remembered another time when I was about 16 and I had a different friend named Shelly Martinez, and she knew this coke dealer named Sparks, and we went to his house and he sort of gave me a sales pitch too, Like he liked me ... la dee da etc and why it would be good to be with him. He showed me his basement that was a marijuana growing operation that he dug under his house.
  • Then there was the time that I did the regrettable thing I mentioned earlier, I screwed around with the creepy neighbor when I lived in Sacramento. I've always regretted that, he was like 40, but that was the only time I actually did anything, and I it was consensual.  
  • My Senior year of high school, I worked at OHSU. This married guy named Don flirted with me constantly and gave me notes. At the time, I lived on my own, went to high school, drove a car, and was a file clerk 20 hours a week in the medical records department of the Oregon Health and Science medical records department. Everyday we would pick up these stacks of little printouts and pull the files. More than one time Don put little love notes into my stack.   I remember I even actually went to a concert one time  and held his hand while his wife was there. Oh my god, so scandalous. I have never been one to be the other woman, so I don't know what I was thinking, but that guy convinced me he was great. I never kissed him or anything. In retrospect he wasn't that great.
  • When I was 4 years old, my Dad's friend giving me a ride by myself. and he must have said something really bad, like touch my pee pee or something, because I remember telling him no and then when we got back I immediately told my dad. My dad was hot tempered and physically fought him and forbade him to ever come around our family again.
  • I also remember when I was maybe 3-4 years old the neighbor guy named Huey was babysitting us and he wanted me to touch his pee pee or he wanted to touch me. This guy was like 15 or 16 and babysitting us,  and as soon as my Dad and Mom came home from their date, I told my Dad what Huey had said. My Dad fist fought this teenager and the cops came and took my Dad away. 
That is all I can remember right now. But that is the story of someone who was never actually molested and someone who doesn't fit the victim profile. I guess this explains at least partially why one of my biggest fear is children being abused. I just can't handle the thought of it. 

Now back to the movie, so I am watching her playing with fire, thinking this movie is going to show her being abused, which if that happened I would probably have had to turn the movie off. I am far too sensitive, to these issues, and of these issues becoming buried into my sub-conscious to watch completely. But the story didn't go that way, it turned a corner, he made her a drink and she said "Well you know I have a rule, never to drink a  drink that was not made by yourself".. and she goes and makes a drink and then slips him a micky.  

Which reminds me of  another story that happened to me. 
  • It was 85/86 ish and Shelly and I met some guys who lived around the Hawthorne area. We went back to their house for the so called party. No one was there. It was one of those bait and switch things. and they served us some cheap champagne which I am certain had a micky in it. I started getting drunk way too fast, like after 1/2 of a glass of champagne.  I knew something was up so I made Shelly leave. I said "We gotta go NOW!" Shelly didn't want to leave but I dragged us out of there seeing double vision and everything and got us home. 
Back to the movie, she gives him a micky and you finally see who is really in charge here.   She tortures him. She searches his entire house, and does not find a single piece of porn, which very intelligently she says for a normal hetro sexual guy there should in the very least be some dvd's or some magazines. It's just the normal thing, but she didn't find anything.

Until finally she finds his safe and finds photos of terrible stuff, which you never actually see but it is represented as  horrific acts to  young girls, and  includes a girl that was missing. There were also photos of children being killed.  She tells him she is going to castrate him, she ices it and puts a clamp on it and then sets up a camera and puts in a video where she makes it look as if he is watching an actual surgery on the screen, but what he is actually watching is a video tape of a castration.  He doesn't realize until later, that she didn't cut it off. while there is this cat mouse game she keeps offering him this option to commit suicide. She finds his weakness, a woman he loved and was infatuated with, but didn't kill, and calls her to come over. And 2-3 times she gives him the option that he can kill himself and she will hide all the evidence of him being a monster. He keeps getting lose but she always gets him back in check again, with a stun gun. It's as if she has done this multiple times.   

In the end he does kill himself and of course she doesn't hide the evidence of the horrendous crimes, she just walks away. 

So I was unusually ok with what happened and my husband did not like the idea of the whole castration and all that of course, even though it didn't happen. My husband did agree that the guy deserved it.  The other thing was the character was very intelligent and articulate, similar to me, and I think the combination of the similarities of our characters, and the subject matter of castration made him very uncomfortable. 

So that is the spoiler alert and a look into some of my illicit past as a teenager.. What do you think about all this? 

Monday, August 22, 2011

policemans hat

1989 - High Rocks - what was in my head

If only I had a blue hat, like him. That man over there. Seeming so powerful and awake, savage? He looked at me with pearcing eyes. My bikini was green and he thought he smelled alcohol on my breath. I want to take that blue hat away from him and throw it in the river.

present day:

Sometimes to this day I look at people and I try to guess who they are and what they are thinking. When the evening comes and the clouds are gone, I will look out the window and envision another world, another world for the taking, where I am free and run away. But would I really be happy? The grass is always greener, the key is spirituality.

This is me trying to write freely, no editor in my mind. I was 18 when a cop gave me a minor in possession because I looked HOT in my florescent green tiger striped bikini - it was 1989. In Clackamas county court it got dropped, I was prepared to fight it, but he didn't show up. That day the cop gave me a ticket he told me " If only I was alittle younger maybe we could go out on a date." Just another day in abuse of power.

Last night we were driving back from Seaside Oregon,

I read an article in Glamour 9/2011 issue, about there still being a 27% gap in salaries of women and men doing the same job. How can I go for my dreams but be seen as a good person. Women doing the exact same actions as men are still perceived negatively for going for their dreams.

Puerto Vallarta girl in Portland

Friday, August 19, 2011

When I started this blog - it was to connect me to people

At the time I was in Mexico and feeling very disconnected. Now its been a few years nearly 3 years. And I feel like I want to write anonymously again, but I can't. Last night I was laying in bed thinking about my life and how it is very essential that I do my spiritual practice, but I get so caught up with all the BS that I often forget, and I start feeling depleted. The Course in Miracles really helps me, but still I feel like I am missing something, which is the writing. Its like a strange catch 22. I have the blog to journal. but the journal isn't private anymore. And there is too much at stake to tell everything. but I still yearn to create, i still yearn to make music, to dance, to be sexy. I met my husband December 31, 1998, and now its nearly 13 years later, and I still want to have fun, and be crazy and do fun stuff. And I've been under way too much stress for a few weeks. Guess what else is freaky, a talented girl who just graduated from my school in the film department is getting a job working in a restaurant. You know what? I know too well the take the job to get by. Its a mistake. I think when you graduate college you shouldn't take jobs to get by you should take entry level jobs instead. That way at least you'll be in the right industry.

Well, I have some editing I have to do, and some homework. And I just helped my mom move from one facility to a nursing home.

busy busy busy.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Big news - Immigration wise

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Weird in P-town episode 3 to come soon

We had plans in July to film the robin hood festival but due to a family emergency it got cancelled. This month we are filming the Portland box car races. Saturday the 13th 10am at MT tabor. I'll get the episode done as soon as I can.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Howdy peeps

I've got lots going on, I'm enjoying my summer, my mom isn't doing too well, her pancreas has shriveled up and she has hardening of the arteries and is being moved to a nursing home. But I have a good friend that lives close to me and my I'm on number 42 of my course in miracles. I'm doing the affirmation that money comes to me easily and effortlessly. Still getting A's and B's and I'm currently in an environmental science class, Art history class, Production Planning class, and Reality Media class where we are filmimg dodgeball league.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

please pray for my mom

if you ever read this blog you know about my mentally ill mother. She is about to go into emergency surgery to save her hand. please pray for her to have 2 healthy hands. I believe in the power of prayer.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

my career

my career may not be totally going right now but it is surely taking off, with the interviews with laika and nbc 2 weeks ago and now I got a call today to work on a piece that may be televised. yea!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

My friends project - needs crowd funding - a satire about heaven and hell

this is from a friend of mine who is about to do her senior piece and needs some help with funding.

Reuniting Families Act

Immigration Reform Supporters check this out.

My Webshow - Weird in P-town - the Real Portlandia - Episode 1 - UFO Fest

coming soon will be an episode on the portland naked bike ride, nw pride festival, and the robinhood festival. stay tuned.

Monday, June 20, 2011

my daily lessons

Well obviously I have not been doing the daily lessons. Its just too much work and after I got into it I found out, even though it is remarkable the transformations that happen, those transformations are highly personal and so much out there, that writing about them is sort of ... hypocritical and not really in alliance with what the Course in Miracles in teaching... therefore I am going to surrender my blog back to my normal nonsense.


Puerto Vallarta girl in Portland

Monday, June 6, 2011

Opening sequence for my new webshow - Weird in P-town

I'm still editing the show but this will be the opening title sequence.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

be careful what you think about

So I haven't had time to write everytime I do a lesson but I've done a few more. I'm on lesson 23.  But look what happened. The other day I was meditating and trying to heal all this illness in my body,  2 days later guess what happens my back goes out. It reminds me of the fact that they say, what ever you think about manifests in your life.  What I am saying is , the universe doesn't care if you say heal health problems... it only hears health problems. So rather than focusing on healing any toxins in my body, I should have been focusing on health. And visualizing myself healthy and thriving. No i'm laid up with a back pain , that pain medicine isn't even getting rid of it. Also I missed the Fashion Show that I was supposed to be part of the film crew as a fixer/floater. But here is the short I produced and edited that is playing at the fashion show, as an introduction to the designers.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my thoughts - lesson 18 to 20

I have about a million subjects I could talk about.   but I guess it all boils down to my spiritual lessons.  I'm trying to keep to the lessons but I get off on other tracks. Look, if you  ultimately believe that what you believe is what will be, why even spend time thinking about things you don't want.  Such as this wonderful lady I've been talking to  that lives a fee doors down from me.   She is groovy and interesting and very intelligent. She reminds me in personality of my friend who just passed, but she started telling me all these things about environmental and conspiracy type stuff that I do believe it when I see it. However, I want more love in the world and not more environmental problems. So I believe on of our programmed issues are that in order to change your world you have to advocate for it.  This issue has truly confused me in the past. Is advocating like fighting against something?  Is pursuing  environmental and government conspiracy theories fighting against something and is it true or is not true that fighting against something gives it more power?    If I totally take all the negative things out of my consciousness does it cease to exist in my world?  These are the questions I have. I believe if I let go of all the things I want to fight against the world will be a better place.

Resistance gives more energy to something.

Well that is just something to think about.   Lesson 19 was I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my thoughts, pretty much the same as 18. Todays lesson 20 is "I am determined to see."

The first thing it says, is the lessons have been relaxed because if you felt coerced you would not do them.
The second thing it says is that the lessons will now have more structure but that it is not force because we want to be happy and we want peace. And the reason we do not have that now is because our mind is not disciplined. Now this is where it starts to make reference to Jesus. I have always found this interesting. It starts to feel like these books are some type of re-interpretation of jesus.

Today (or this week for me) you should remind yourself through out the day that you are determined to see. In otherwords you are determined to change your present state for a better one.

Try to repeat todays idea twice an hour through out the day.

Friday, May 20, 2011

visualize checks in the mail

For the past few days I've been visualizing checks in the mail. and today I got a totally unexpected refund from a parking ticket from November. can you believe it?  $50.  

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Once a day? who was I kidding....Lesson 17 to 18

Me when I went to visit my son and went on a hike
view from mountain above corvallis
The "I see no Neutral things"... lesson 17 is a fire starter. once you start delving into that you get all sorts of controversial stuff.  I've been so busy that I am about a week behind posting my experiment.... I've been filming fashion designer interviews, filming my new webshow "Weird in P-Town"  that will be fun.... the first episode was at the UFO Fest.... which was silly really. I'm just looking for things that are different, and weird, sort of piggy backing on the Portlandia Series success.
my kids walking up the path
the mossy trees
I've been volunteering for Women in Film and even gotten a few inquiries for work, which I am just too busy right now to take on something else.

Also if you saw my latest movie "Call me Cupid" originally 4 and 1/2 minutes it is now 3 minutes long and called "Twisted Cupid" and I am doing a sound design on it.

I've been trying to be generous.  I had a realization today that sometimes people don't want to be helped or sometimes when you help someone who needs help it makes you both nervous.
my 2 boys

And I also went to the 3rd of my 4 free counselling sessions through my schools EAP. You know I did feel depressed for a few weeks, but I think I am really starting to get my silly back.  So I go in there again, thinking that I am really sort of wasting time with this because I am already good at coping, but through the process of talking to her I realized I have a negative body image.... I'm 40 and a little heavier, and not as attractive and you see there I go again. ....
Oh and on Saturday night I went out with my friend and her girlfriend, because my hubby was hung over and didn't want to go...and  I danced for a few songs.

my little ones posing by the bikes at my sons apts
There is a new Immigration bill "Reuniting Families" or something or other that would really help out thousands and thousands of US Citizens and I got a call from my contact at American Families United today and I am going to start working on getting support for that. When I get more details I'll post it here.

Plus week 7 at school, everything starts heating up and getting crazy.

Lets see what my lesson 18 is... I hope its something about everything being easy... I have once again successfully created chaos in my life, every term I do this. it starts out calm and then because I feel bored I create chaos...

Lesson 18," I'm not alone in experiencing the effects of my seeing". Taken from the course in miracles workbook for students. It says that today's lesson is that everything we think is never neutral or unimportant and that all our minds are joined. I think that is an interesting thing to think. 3 or 4 times today look around and say "I am not alone in experiencing the effects of how I see _____"

My interpretation: this reminds me a little bit of the movie "What the bleep do we know?" In that it emphases how everyone is everyone else.... sometimes I when I drive, I look around and think how everyone else is me.... ...