Friday, December 31, 2010

Visualization and how it works for me

So if you've been following since I started this.... you would know that when I started this blog I was at the very end of my money in Mexico. My friend Melony came to visit Puerto Vallarta the last week we had anything extra, the last weeks when our truck ran and my health was stabilized but still wasn't doing very good. I proceeded to blog for the next few months after that and somehow stay positive through one of the toughest times in my entire life, we ran out of money, our truck broke down and we didn't have money to fix it, we had Christmas with about 20 dollars I made and got paid the night before Christmas and went to the dollar store and tried to fake that santa clause came and put ornaments onto our plant.... and the kids were young enough and bought it.

Well I'm writing this because I remember those days when it was hotter than a... mother... bleep, and we walked down the dusty sidewalks of Puerto Vallarta - in the neighborhood behind the Marina Wallmart where our house was. We walked to the local church and we prayed to Jesus and the Virgin of Guadalupe, we prayed to the statues, and enrique was stressed out because the kids were hungry and they were running around and I went in where the Jesus was and kneeled on the ground and I prayed. We were so humbled with being beaten down, we had that great house, but -0- money, we were trying to sell the house but the realestate market had dumped....

Those were the days when I couldn't cry because I had to be strong, those were some of the toughest days of my life. and I ...... believed things could get better. And... I visulized what I wanted. And I stopped talking myself out of what I wanted based on so called "reality" and economics. I stopped going with the plan and listened to my heart. On April 6, 2009 I told Enrique I wanted to go back to Oregon and I just plain and simple had faith everything would be ok, and April 8th, due to some crazy luck, his sister loaned us the money and suddenly I was there, and 12 hours after I arrived I had everything I needed.

So I had this dream, and decided to say... screw my Health, I don't care, if I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die trying. If I got sick when I was on vacation for 2 years, I might as well be working my ass off doing what I love, so I did, I got financial aid and went back to college.

Here is my point ------ exactly 2 years after we got THAT BROKE. Where we had to borrow money on a credit line from the corner store in order to eat in Mexico, to Interning on a Feature film, with real industry professionals.

That is the miracle of visualization. I still have my Santa Barbara mansion designed in my mind, I have everything designed down to the last details. I'm even thinking of changing the carpet in the media room. It's so funny that I've spent so much time in this mansion in my mind that I'm already redecorating.

Its time for me to Make a NEW God can (its a can that you put requests into and let go) and re-align. I love these breaks in busy ness, they are imperative. It is important to be busy and it is important to reflect. Thank you god. Thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you for your miracles.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

quiet house - no homework, no work but still up at 1:11 am

Its weird having to get back to being normal. I was running around for 6 weeks at high-speed and loving it and now... everything slows down and after a few days I was seriously trippin out. It is very difficult to switch speeds from High to super low in like 2 days.

Now I have prayed and meditated on it and made peace, had the relationship check in conversation. something like....I still love you and want to make everything fun and sexy again,, you? we've sort of been distracted and not exactly paying that close of attention to each other and I noticed I've been drifting so .... lets both keep making an effort to keep this great.

I am faced with a = do we have to have this conversation again... look
and I clarify, that this is important so that we never get to the ... its tooo late point.

so anyway, I stayed off the computer while hubby was awake and he was sweet to me and treated me very sexy. and ..... I'm up at 1:23 am doing the computer. But its ok I've been sleeping in till 10, vacation ahhhh.

This Friday night 12/31 - will be 12 years since the day we met. He was 21 and I was 27. This Friday we plan to go hang out at a friends house with her and her new boyfriend and play games and sleep over so that we don't drink and drive. I am hopeful it will be fun and romantic. Because my friend and her boyfriend like to dance too.

I fell in love with my husband because of how he dances, and stayed in love because of how soulful he was.

Here is to making marriage work. It does take effort, we both agreed, and we also agreed its worth it and we both still want to make it a priority.

God bless you and peace to the every day working people who find happiness in the little things. thats keeping it real.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Untraditional Student a poem - new version

Untraditional Student

label me

with some clever verbiage
using wordage
with me in mind

tell me you don’t agree
with your actions
factions and
sarcastic sign

you  cannot prevent my 
presence from permeating
pure smooth
and contemplating

my attitude confuses
but I’m still standing
regardless of where that
sign is landing

look at me and look away
it’s ok
you can’t shake my faith
its like a stock brigade

listen listless lonely learner
to the sound of hope
rising high
the look of triumph in my eyes

life can throw me down,
but I don’t go down

standing here determined
it can be unnerving
so go ahead and

label me

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Untraditional Student a poem - draft


label me,
put a name to me,
spill your feelings over me,
yet I will still be here in peace,

tell me you don’t agree,
tell me with your actions,
and sarcastic voice,
tell me with your indifference,
or omission,

you  cannot prevent my  presence from permeating,
look at me and look away,
its ok,
no matter what you do,
you can’t shake my faith,

use your control over me,
use it, if it makes you feel better,
dangle it in front of me,
make me feel secure and take it away,
even so,
my soul will be strong,

listen listless lonely learner,
to the sound of hope,
life can throw me down but I don’t go down,

I try to treat you with joy,
 with truth and with kindness,
hear how I hold my heart
ever hopeful of love from you,
from me, from we,

I practice kindred kindness,
practice until I get it right,
teaching truth,
sensing something else
as if we are all one

so go ahead
label me

Monday, December 6, 2010

The secret to a womans success is the Man Behind her

That sounds unintentionally kinky, but you know what I mean.

WELCOME to Show business..  The last 3 weeks have been very much on the insane side.

It's finals time at school, the shooting part of the feature film I'm interning on started 7 days ago.  I went Black Friday Shopping. I shot a Circus Project Dinner Charity Event,  technically I produced the filming of it. My daughter starred in my friends final project, I shot the first part of my final project. My mother is not doing well and I have been getting many phone calls from her when I cannot help her, and I went to visit her 10:30 at night when I had a spare moment.  My daughters birthday was Friday and she didn't get a cake so she decided until she gets a cake it is still her birthday, I like that!  Jimi taught everyone a word in Russian he learned at pre-school. With all this running around from place to place and  my husband left picking up the pieces, my house was a disaster, you can imagine. Saturday I needed to shoot my short film in my apartment the next day and he spent the whole day  cleaning the apartment including cleaning inside the couches, he even moved the furniture around for "mise en scene"  which means basically to make my livingroom/kitchen area a movie set, he stacked 2/3'rds of my sectional on top of each other in the kids room, and also fit the dining table in our bedroom. He cleaned everything.

He is THE BEST husband ever. He knows that soon this opportunity will be over, referring to the internship and he is supportive. It can't be easy. I've been out late at night alot, and that is something I've never done in 12 years. On December 31, 2010 it will be 12 years  since the night we met.  I'm writing this to say that My Mexican husband is the best thing that ever happened to me, he has given me everything I've ever wanted. A House, 2 more babies, a chance to stay home with my babies, 2 years in Puerto Vallarta, and now the ability to get a college education and career in the film industry.

I love you Amor and thank you, thank you for being there for me.

Puerto Vallarta Girl in Portland