Saturday, May 22, 2010

A Moment of Clarity - Get busy living or I'll stay busy dying

Amidst weird sensations and dizziness.  Pains that come and go. Calls to the doctor and eating completely different and still only losing a total of 3 pounds. I became convinced I really am dying.  I've already started drafting letters to my children in my mind telling them how much I love them and my expectations for them to be good honest, hardworking people. Most of all my wish for them is to chose happiness and follow their heart. To keep faith even when there are no signs.

My shower started and I heard the music.  Right before I got in the shower I added a few songs from my collection on my phone to a playlist and played it for my shower.  Now days cell phones miraculously have your music collection on it and a tiny speaker that plays better than the ipods and mini speakers of 2005.  I was thinking if someone would have told me back in 1985 that in 25 years I could play all my music from my own individual cordless phone, I wouldn't have even been able to imagine it. Technology is such a wonderful and perplexing thing.   So I was there gently swaying to the music and feeling very sensual in the shower. The warm water running over my soapy body and my music playing.   It reminded me of the person I am.  I felt so alive in that moment and I realized I must get busy living or else I am just staying busy dying. When I feel fatigued I have a terrible time getting out of the house. I get a mental block about leaving the house sometimes.  But we know that if I get out I always feel better.

The main thing I realized is that I need to play more music. I always come alive with music. And I used to express myself through dance.  I don't have a stereo right now and that is a huge disadvantage. I left 2 of my stereo receivers in Mexico I had one with a tube in it from the 70's that my dads friend gave to me way back in the late 80's.  It has a rich sound and  I love and miss it. I always want to keep it. Also there is a newer technique one that is good. Anyway, I was not able to bring them back with me on the plane because they are heavy.

This is my vow. I will now concentrate on enjoying my moments (with music) dance more. And focus on living !