Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Harsh Reality

I sat there in the passenger’s seat and I cried. I held my mouth as best I could but it was still that firm involuntarily trembling pout when you want to sob and your world has fallen. We were coming back from the hospital.  I had went in with weird symptoms last Saturday and I thought that I would be leaving the emergency room with a Benadryl shot. Instead I was leaving 2 days later with 4 new prescriptions, a new diet, about 20 test results and 3 new prognosis.  I couldn’t stop crying as I tried to hide my fear and guilt.   My guilt is that I must surely die sooner than I had intended less a miracle. But I do believe in miracles. You see I found out today that within the past few years when I had these episodes that everyone tried to say was some sort of panic attack I’ve actually had 4 strokes not including the one on Saturday that’s only indication was suddenly I had slurred speech. Seems incomprehensible to have 5 stokes without a clue but when you’re only 39 people more easily categorize these symptoms as imaginary. They do the blood tests, even the heart tests but not once did anyone test the brain.  3 cat scans, several ekg’s, and 2 MRI’s later and yes I have some new prognosis.  

The guilt is that I want to be there for my children.  I feel guilty for not being there for my oldest.  I want to be there for my mom, and I want to share this life with my caring and loving husband. Also I feel like now after everything I’ve been through to get to the point of my life when I am going after my dream, I just now got thrown yet another challenge towards achieving my dream.
They watched me cry, and I know it breaks their hearts, but after seeing my grandma spend about 15 years in a nursing home practically a vegetable and unable to enjoy her life like she preferred I don’t want to live that life.   

What sucks is that I suspected I was dyeing since I first got Hypertension in mexico spring 2008, and then kidney stones.  But the messed up mindset all really started back in 2005 when I dreamt of my father, who passed  away in 1999. In my dream he was at the commuter train station and he was there to pick me up.  He told me he wanted to take me home. He seemed insistent, and I wanted so badly to go with him. I loved him more than anything for most of my life and he was always my biggest fan and biggest supporter and the smartest person I knew.   But I told him I couldn’t go with him yet. 

Fast forward to last Thursday night and I was dreaming I was sitting at an Italian restaurant with him and my mother, he looked like he did in the 1970’s and we were mid conversation until in reality my 3 year olds leg went on top of me and I woke up crankily.   I’m not sure what we were talking about but I got a sense that it was another request to go with them. Though my mom is still alive, her health has been rapidly declining.
I’ ve written about my spiritual beliefs and I really do believe in the law of attraction but now somehow I have not been able to master my health and the law of attraction  together, somehow my fears and/or realities of my health always seem to get the best of me.

Dear god please help me master this, help me erase this damage, help me overcome this challenge for my children, for my husband, and for myself.

Amen.