Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Sweet sixteen's turned 39, I used to shake em down but now I start to think about my dignity

Think is the key word here, so far I'm just thinking about it.

I finally had my turn last night to see a portion of Revolutionary Road. I saw just enough of it to be thought provoking. When I moved to Mexico I was like Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio about to move to Paris. I didn't see enough of the movie to see whether they actually did move or not... but by the way they were talking about moving and the peoples reactions it was just like when we were about to move. I was a stay at home Mom. We had a nice house. I loved it. It was big. Swingset, double car garage. It was an older home with charm. And I was .... bored...... So we moved to Mexico for many reasons. But one of the reasons were in all seriousness... "Why the heck not?"

So the next day I sat at the table and my daughter and son were on each side of me, and it occurred to me that I was of that age... that age of adulthood where I become just like everyone else, doing the series of life steps like everyone else.

But... that reminds me of a conversation I had a few weeks ago, I was talking to an acquaintance, (one of which will not talk to me now, and I have already somehow unknowingly seriously offended him) he has an alternative style, and I was saying how in my search to be different, I didn't get all the tatoos and all the piercings because then suddenly all the people who rushed out to do that to be different suddenly became the same as everyone that did the same thing, therfore categorizing themselves.

But here I am 39, 3 children and happily married, and overweight, with no tatoos or piercings and regular hair... even my hair cut bombed out. I really honestly got the haircut to revamp myself, but ended up doing the 39 thing...? what?

So did I really do anything to be different. I know in my mind I do.

Again ringing in my head is "Well behaved women, rarely make history" but still I want friends, I want trusted business partners.

I refuse to settle that a trusted friend comes only 1 to 100. I want trusted friends more like 50%. Ok, as I'm typing this I keep rambling off about stuff. It's just that I have this big puzzle I've been trying to wrap my head around. And I finally understand atleast what the problem is. I'm becoming like my grandma. No one liked my grandma. She was well dressed. I'm not well dressed. She kept a perfect house. I don't keep a perfect house. But she was critical. I think people think that I am critical. Last year in Mexico my friend that came to visit told me I am very judgemental. There she was making out with ugly guys, and she was really hot and I told her if she's going to mess around atleast do it with hot guys... and she said, "you are one of the most judgmental people I know" i found it so weird that she she thought that because I thought she was..... and I never thought of myself that way, but Maybe I am. gosh..........I suppose I really need to work on this.

Well back to what I was talking about... I offend people. I don't mean to do it, I have no idea how I do it, I'm that naive.. I offend people and really don't have any idea who what or when, until they won't talk to me anymore. How is that even possible... I'm not listening enough? I seriously have good intentions. I am one of those too truthful people. And I say what I want when ever I want. Example... in Acting class one day, I walked into class and someone said we wondered if you were going to come, and I said, "I don't come that easy, it takes a little work".. sounds all innocent and all but I was serious. I don't come that easy. lol. - In the moment - I was met with some weird looks on that one. Doesn't anyone make dirty jokes anymore?

Part of me has always liked to say weird stuff to surprise people. I think most people are walking around like robots and not that much happens that is thought provoking. And so here I come. At least they can make fun of me... that gives them something to think about. "Wow can you believe that woman, who does she think she is." Look at that flat ass. Gross her boobs are so big, eewww.." I wonder what they say? I think I really need to hear it! Most likely it is simple and to the point, "What a bitch!" or "She is weird".

I have always prided myself on my weirdness. by the way.

But back to my problem again... so I offend people and then, they don't want to talk to me anymore. Unless they get to know me really well or are forced to spend day after day around me, I usually grow on people, Or do they pretend to like me because I used to work for powerful people????? hmmm.

I am very intense. that is another issue. That I cannot change.

I guess when I was an Executive Assistance I became good at being eloquent. But as of right now after having been so isoloated in Mexico, I seem to have forgotten all that eloquence shit. Lol. I'm just happy to talk to people in english.

Then I put all my guards down because I figured I am in Art school with other like minded people and they will really get me. But somehow, I've pissed alot of people off. Already, people I've gotten to know a little bit don't return my phone calls and don't return my emails.

I have met a handful of awesomely awesome people, I hope I will be able to get past the I offend them stage with.

There is one person I met that reminds me alot of myself that I had in 2 of my classes. I watched him stammer and go the long way around to get to his subject, in attempts to be eloquent and then end up usually saying 'Fuck you!' to the rude people. He reminds me of me to some extent but everyone really loves him... I'm again wondering if it is because I am a woman. Look up directors and see how many are women?

How do I overcome this abrasion I'm finding myself in. Suddenly I am acutely aware of how I offend people. Its getting picked for teams in grade school all over again.

I don't really know what I am asking for but if this post inspires something in you... tell me about it. Please.. It feels like this puzzle in my head that I am just wrapping my head around. Do I need to read 101 ways to be eloquent? I just made that up. but I am sure if I do a quick search at the library website, I'll find something along those lines. How to schmooze people.

I can schmooze... I can be charming. Ok I feel some affirmations coming on.

I like people and people like me. I am charming and graceful. I am funny and witty.

God Bless.