Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Sweet sixteen's turned 39, I used to shake em down but now I start to think about my dignity

Think is the key word here, so far I'm just thinking about it.

I finally had my turn last night to see a portion of Revolutionary Road. I saw just enough of it to be thought provoking. When I moved to Mexico I was like Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio about to move to Paris. I didn't see enough of the movie to see whether they actually did move or not... but by the way they were talking about moving and the peoples reactions it was just like when we were about to move. I was a stay at home Mom. We had a nice house. I loved it. It was big. Swingset, double car garage. It was an older home with charm. And I was .... bored...... So we moved to Mexico for many reasons. But one of the reasons were in all seriousness... "Why the heck not?"

So the next day I sat at the table and my daughter and son were on each side of me, and it occurred to me that I was of that age... that age of adulthood where I become just like everyone else, doing the series of life steps like everyone else.

But... that reminds me of a conversation I had a few weeks ago, I was talking to an acquaintance, (one of which will not talk to me now, and I have already somehow unknowingly seriously offended him) he has an alternative style, and I was saying how in my search to be different, I didn't get all the tatoos and all the piercings because then suddenly all the people who rushed out to do that to be different suddenly became the same as everyone that did the same thing, therfore categorizing themselves.

But here I am 39, 3 children and happily married, and overweight, with no tatoos or piercings and regular hair... even my hair cut bombed out. I really honestly got the haircut to revamp myself, but ended up doing the 39 thing...? what?

So did I really do anything to be different. I know in my mind I do.

Again ringing in my head is "Well behaved women, rarely make history" but still I want friends, I want trusted business partners.

I refuse to settle that a trusted friend comes only 1 to 100. I want trusted friends more like 50%. Ok, as I'm typing this I keep rambling off about stuff. It's just that I have this big puzzle I've been trying to wrap my head around. And I finally understand atleast what the problem is. I'm becoming like my grandma. No one liked my grandma. She was well dressed. I'm not well dressed. She kept a perfect house. I don't keep a perfect house. But she was critical. I think people think that I am critical. Last year in Mexico my friend that came to visit told me I am very judgemental. There she was making out with ugly guys, and she was really hot and I told her if she's going to mess around atleast do it with hot guys... and she said, "you are one of the most judgmental people I know" i found it so weird that she she thought that because I thought she was..... and I never thought of myself that way, but Maybe I am. gosh..........I suppose I really need to work on this.

Well back to what I was talking about... I offend people. I don't mean to do it, I have no idea how I do it, I'm that naive.. I offend people and really don't have any idea who what or when, until they won't talk to me anymore. How is that even possible... I'm not listening enough? I seriously have good intentions. I am one of those too truthful people. And I say what I want when ever I want. Example... in Acting class one day, I walked into class and someone said we wondered if you were going to come, and I said, "I don't come that easy, it takes a little work".. sounds all innocent and all but I was serious. I don't come that easy. lol. - In the moment - I was met with some weird looks on that one. Doesn't anyone make dirty jokes anymore?

Part of me has always liked to say weird stuff to surprise people. I think most people are walking around like robots and not that much happens that is thought provoking. And so here I come. At least they can make fun of me... that gives them something to think about. "Wow can you believe that woman, who does she think she is." Look at that flat ass. Gross her boobs are so big, eewww.." I wonder what they say? I think I really need to hear it! Most likely it is simple and to the point, "What a bitch!" or "She is weird".

I have always prided myself on my weirdness. by the way.

But back to my problem again... so I offend people and then, they don't want to talk to me anymore. Unless they get to know me really well or are forced to spend day after day around me, I usually grow on people, Or do they pretend to like me because I used to work for powerful people????? hmmm.

I am very intense. that is another issue. That I cannot change.

I guess when I was an Executive Assistance I became good at being eloquent. But as of right now after having been so isoloated in Mexico, I seem to have forgotten all that eloquence shit. Lol. I'm just happy to talk to people in english.

Then I put all my guards down because I figured I am in Art school with other like minded people and they will really get me. But somehow, I've pissed alot of people off. Already, people I've gotten to know a little bit don't return my phone calls and don't return my emails.

I have met a handful of awesomely awesome people, I hope I will be able to get past the I offend them stage with.

There is one person I met that reminds me alot of myself that I had in 2 of my classes. I watched him stammer and go the long way around to get to his subject, in attempts to be eloquent and then end up usually saying 'Fuck you!' to the rude people. He reminds me of me to some extent but everyone really loves him... I'm again wondering if it is because I am a woman. Look up directors and see how many are women?

How do I overcome this abrasion I'm finding myself in. Suddenly I am acutely aware of how I offend people. Its getting picked for teams in grade school all over again.

I don't really know what I am asking for but if this post inspires something in you... tell me about it. Please.. It feels like this puzzle in my head that I am just wrapping my head around. Do I need to read 101 ways to be eloquent? I just made that up. but I am sure if I do a quick search at the library website, I'll find something along those lines. How to schmooze people.

I can schmooze... I can be charming. Ok I feel some affirmations coming on.

I like people and people like me. I am charming and graceful. I am funny and witty.

God Bless.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Nat Geo - Border wars

Well, I am sad to say that Nat Geo is doing a show about the Border wars. I fear it is not positive for immigrants. But the worst thing is on my page is an advertisement for it. Thats how it goes with google adsense. It is twisted and messed up but I just want anyone to know that I do not support that show.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Another great message from Mary

This came from my daily emails from Mary Morrissey. www.MaryMorrissey.com


Hi Puerto Vallarta Girl,

Patanjali, the Indian saint says, “When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds; your mind transcends limitation, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world.

Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed.”

What is a great purpose? What is an extraordinary project? The answer is something that deeply and profoundly matters to you. What would that be for you?
My friends, during these last days of the year, try to get clear. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal an extraordinary project to you. Ask Spirit for a deep purpose that you can dedicate yourself to in the year 2010.
I know that you will discover yourself to be a greater person by far for your efforts.
In preparation for a transformational 2010,

Love Mary

Saturday, December 26, 2009

MIA - Paper Planes

Love this song. It stirs me up and makes me want to produce music. I don't even get it... why. I saw Slumdog Milionaire, this was on the sound track.



Tuesday, December 22, 2009

todays "A course in Miracles" lesson

This photo is by my school in Downtown Portland about a week before school got out. It must have been about 15 outside that day.

So I started doing "A Course in Miracles" last year at my lowest point in PV. I never brought the blog up to date to that point in my spiritual journey stories. I still plan to finish writing that segment... but as of right now I just wanted to skip forward to where I am now.

Where I am is in a sort of sucky place. I have found that when I do not do my daily spiritual practice I slowly subside into this place... of grumpiness, and I focus on my health, or lack of...good health, and I feel justified in my grumpiness. And I send out negative thoughts to the universe. I find out I am mad at people and I don't even really know why. Or if I think about it I will come up with reasons. I've been thinking for days and days, maybe even weeks that I need to get back to my spiritual practice. But every night before I close my eyes I try to do a meditation and I think I barely get started with it and I fall asleep.

Honestly, why is it when I get very busy, the first thing I DON'T do is my spiritual practice?When my spiritual practice reverberates into my entire life, it must and should be one of my highest priorities. I need to do atleast 30 minutes a day.

So today finally I have shaken the stress from school off. Its been a week since my last class and I have finally shaken it. I slept in as long as the little ones would let me... till about 8am ... and then laid there in bed trying to sleep, but have you ever refereed while trying to sleep. You can't sleep and you can't referee. So then amazingly.... I picked up my "A Course in Miracles" and went right back to where I left off at. Lesson 124. and what is amazing to me is that the children were quiet the entire time I read my 2 page lesson.

And... the lesson was very pertinent to where I am now. Again, they say, when the student is ready the teacher will appear. I love that quote.

I am going to paraphrase some of my lesson today. It is entitled

LESSON 124 "Let me remember I am one with God"

Today we will again give thanks for our Identity in God.
our home is safe, protection guaranteed in all we do,
power and strength available to us in all our undertakings.

I really needed to hear that right now. I mean, I already know that but I just needed the book to tune into me. Sometimes I feel like the book is rewritten and there for me to specifically speak to what I am going through.
We can fail in nothing.
Everything we touch takes on a shining
light that blesses and that heals.

I try so hard to remember that but it is very difficult, but when I do think that way, my whole world takes on a sparkle of magic that transforms.

At one with God and with the universe we go our way rejoicing,
with the thought that God Himself goes everywhere with us.

That is just the first paragraph. It spoke of anxieties in paragraph 4.

No meaningless anxieties can come between our faith
and our awareness of his presence.

I like to read that. I guess I like to read that because... once I've even gotten the anxieties I guess I have forgotten my faith.

Well, all I am saying is, practicing what you believe in every day is very helpful so that you don't forget. What ever you believe. It may not be anything remotely similar to this, and that's ok - to each his own. Its just that people often say they believe in something and then when the day comes (the challenge comes) and presents itself we can't even hold those ideals long enough to practice what we truly believe. It is hard work to stay true to our faith or beliefs, but I believe it is a necessary struggle.

I am trying to stay on track. I know that it is truly key to my happiness and well being. I wish you luck and pray for you.

The last sentence in the lesson of 12 paragraphs is:

"Let me remember I am one with God,
At one with all my brothers and my self,
In everlasting holiness and peace."

I'm doing my best to remember and practice.

Thank you god,

Puerto Vallarta Girl in Portland

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Term over, Cold in Portland, Baby cried on the bus


Driving into Portland I love to take photos. The day I took this photo it was warming up it was 30 something (a few days before hand it was 10).

Surprisingly enough my first term back to school went really well. I made a reputation as a dependable, occasionally a few minutes late, but dependable artsy director type. Some people think .....'sure I have a ton of ideas but I don't have anything to back it up with'.

Well, its ok if they underestimate me. I'm not afraid of that. My teachers clearly see my ability. Can you believe it I am getting A's where I wasn't sure what I would get. In all honestly I am thrilled to get A's but it is not the real reason I am there. I am there to learn and A's or B's or even C's won't make much difference in the long run, what will make a difference is whether I am comprehending and learning the tricks of the trade.

Tomorrow I get Comcast Cable and I will be uploading the other videos I did in my Digital Video Class.

Today is my first day of no school, I don't go back till January 12th. I wanted to do a bunch of filming right now but the equipment library will be closed during the break. It makes sense but .... but I wish it were open... it would have been a great time to develop a few of all these projects.... in my head.

This week my little guy, he started school at the part time head start by my house. I feel so sorry for him. He just made friends with everyone and got used to being at school at the Headstart way out in Gresham, like 20 minutes from our house and then finally the transfer went through and now he is scared. He gets to take the little preschool bus and I thought he would be excited about it. He even gets to take it with his cousin, who is the same age. But... he has cried now 2 days in a row. He cried hysterically and was really scared. I felt so bad. My baby is 3 1/2 and a very sensitive boy, but charming and gets along well with others. When he clings towards me my heart goes out, but I AM a mother of 3 and I know that I must force him to go on the bus and then in a few days he will be fine.
It is one of the most dificult things mommies have to do....make their babies do things that are good for them but they don't want to do. Our hearts are torn.

But what can I do.. oh sorry honey.... stay home from school and be with me. I wish I could but when does it stop...if I continue with how he wants it he will be 5 years old and not want to dress, or feed himself or go to school, or brush his teeth. Everyday he is at school he learns how to do things for himself, like brushing his teeth.

One really good thing about the new class is that they speak 4 languages. He already speaks English and Spanish, and now he will have the opportunity to learn Russian and Turkish. I'm really excited for him I think the languages are really good for his brain and his neurotransmitters.

but it is very hard to see your babies grow up. I'm so busy that I have to conciously pause and play with my babies. I have to just stop and look at them and be silly.

Being a mommy is one of the most important and difficult things to do. I fight to be present.

Lastly I've been wanting to say that I've found myself not being as giving and generous as I want to be. I have got to find time to get centered everyday.

I've noticed when I don't practice my spiritual practice and meditate on an idea everyday, I become less of the person I truly want to be. I forget. I forget that we are all the same. I forget that to judge someone else is to judge myself. I want to remember.

God bless and Merry Xmas
Puerto Vallarta Girl in Portland

PS I still don't miss Puerto Vallarta... when I see pictures I get apprehensive...




Thursday, December 10, 2009

Monday, December 7, 2009

The moon is going down in the morning


In the mornings when I come accross the bridge the view is very beautiful. And as always I am surrounded by people silent and self absorbed enjoying their quiet ride. I grab my camera and start snapping some photos.... Sometimes it makes people notice the beauty that is right there in front of all of us.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Caught - The first fiction Short I worked on

I was DP, that means cameraman/woman...This is a silent film It is called, "In Camera" because we had to do it without editing it in a movie editing software. Also we decided to do it as a silent film because the story could not depend on diologue.

here it is:


Caught from Heather Dominguez on Vimeo.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Another idea I learned from Mary - Orange juice

Mary has a Story she tells and the ending is about a wise man said that when you squeeze an orange what comes out? Orange juice right? Then she say's "When life squeezes you, what comes out?"


I find this very profound.

On the flip side of that... there is another story she tells of a woman in a store and the cashier is being very abrupt and mean, and when the cashier walks away the customer says to the bag person...something like 'wow that cashier is really being a biotch' and the bag person says" yeah can you believe it, her son is in ICU, he was hit by a car yesterday and they won't give her the day off.


So on both sides of the coin.... That can really change how you receive a negative person, doesn't it?

And when life squeezes YOU what comes out?

interpersonal insights......


Love
Puerto Vallarta Girl

Today's Daily Dream Builder - Walt Whitman

Here is my daily inspirational email I get from Mary Morrissey:
___________________________________

Hi Puerto Vallarta Girl,

Walt Whitman, just a wonderful American poet and philosopher wrote:

From this hour I ordain myself loosed of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me…
I am larger, better than I thought, I did not know I held so much goodness.

He says from this hour I ordain myself loose of limits and imaginary lines. Would you be willing to ordain yourself this day loose of limits and imaginary lines?


Many Blessings,

Mary
___________________________________

I went onto her website to test the link, so that I can post it here and now she has an introduction video of herself. It reminds me of when I used to watch her on TV every week, or when I saw her in person. She has a gift in her presence that she can touch my heart by purely speaking or telling a story. How I so wish she were still on TV or that I could get more of her "life keys" Cd's. She speaks of spiritual practices as if it is just her and me sitting and talking. I don't know if it is like Pavlov's dog, but the moment I hear her voice I feel as if I want to cry in spiritual appreciation. I just cannot hold anything against her, for she teaches forgiveness and perhaps the entire thing that happened (several years ago)with her is a lesson of forgiveness for everyone that follows her.

Here is her website, she has a free non denominational daily email she sends. It's a quick way to keep spiritually on track. Here is her website: http://www.marymorrissey.com