Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Determination Alienates me - Kindess redeems. Both are necessary.


Determination is a lonely road paved by ambition. Isolating you(me) from all the people who have buried their dreams and can't forgive themselves. I want to share my ideas and inspire but face to face my existence and determination trigger something that scares the average person. Why can she do her dreams when I cannot let myself? Lets be honest here. Part of it is because I am a woman. I am bold enough to believe I can do nearly anything I want. Who gave me that right?

When I speak of my ambition or personal accomplishment I just want to share it with someone. But it can be taken as boasting. It makes me want to curse because I just want to talk about my life with someone. It is hard being the listener for so many years and when I have something I want to talk about it is not meant for comparison. It is only my thoughts coming out and my relentless ambition. I don't want to apologize for letting my light shine. I didn't think I had to anymore.

Aren't we all searching this life to figure out and to play the music in our hearts? Just like in my favorite song, posted in an earlier blog "All IN" "I want more laughing and giggling, need more passion and wisdom, give some and take some, I don't want no fake ones, if I need new friends then I'll make some. Spend half my life on the search for nothing, I came up with something, It's on again! I Found myself by the river and jumping, its all or nothing gotta be all in. be all in, gotta be all in, be all in, yeah its all or nothing......." later it says, "Its all or nothing baby, its never ever maybe, YOU THINK I MIGHT BE CRAZY... but I gotta be all in!"

If isolation is the price, I have to pay it.

In this life, I'm striving to be kind, I often swerve in and out of kindness. I want to stay on that side of the road. This life, this journey, is a spiritual journey, to me, and it takes determination to be spiritual, it takes determination to uplift, it takes determination to be positive, and I am determined. And I hope to be kind. No I am determined to be kind. NO matter what. It is a HUGE STRUGGLE. One of the most difficult struggles. NO THE most difficult struggle to be kind. A wise person who studied all religions as his life work, was asked "In all your studies can you summarize all religions in one phrase?"

He said "It is the practice of being kind. " Dear god, please help me to be kind, because I've already got the determination. And I know with time my kindness will bounce back on me again.

Thank you god.
Puerto Vallarta Girl in Portland