Sunday, October 4, 2009

The train to a new life: The night before my first day of school

Tomorrow I will wake at 5:30 am. Wake the children and deliver them to their schedule for the day. And then I will park the car and board the train to downtown.

The train to a new life,

The train to a new career,

The train that leads me to the elusive dream I've held since I was a girl.

I've worked on various hobbies for years, mostly writing, interior design, art, and researching immigration law, and I hope to pull my desire for advocating for immigration and my creative drive into one. I plan to do a documentary about immigration, or expats in Mexico, or just a comparison of life here and life there. I also hope to intern in producing, and then come out of college with more than one job offer at a studio. Those are my goals and I believe that I will achieve them.

Half the fight in this life is figuring out what you want. For most people it is based off basic needs and if your basic needs are not met your goals are something like, get my own place, get a job, buy a car. And for me when I was in Mexico I didn't have my basic needs met and I still had this dream. I had read The Secret and years before I had read Creative Visualization by Shatki Gawain and in my poverty I visualized my highest dreams. I visualized my 2 1/2 million dollar Santa Barbara, California Beach house. I designed every room in my mind. I would spend hours mediating and visualizing family parties there and being in my office and relaxing on a hammock with a glass of red wine, while I was taking a break from my writing. I visualized dancing in the living room with my husband with the ocean view.

Recently, I have read in blogs that I follow, that some people barely make it financially in Mexico but they do have enough to survive. For us we didn't barely make it, we were drowning. We were drowning both when I was working or when my husband was working we did not have enough money to pay bills, buy food, and cover medical expenses. Last Christmas was the saddest Christmas I've had since I was 16.

But not anymore, I'm sitting here now with "Behind the Music Brett Michaels" playing on the TV. I just got the babies to bed. My husband is in Mexico and not accessible today, because he went drinking beer with friends, and that worries me - its a bad combination to be drunk, lonely, and horny. And me.... I'm recovering from the stress of being at the grocery store this evening with my 2 children running up and down the isles I'm getting ready to clip grocery coupons, and read my acting class book, and then go to sleep so I can be ready for my first day of school since 1997.

I thank god that we have everything we need. I do miss my husband terribly, but I can't, and don't want to live in Mexico anymore. I KNOW why the Mexicans come here to the USA, it is a better life, it's an easier life. Maybe I am fragile, maybe I am not as tough as the others I read about. I made it over 2 years there. But in the very end of the 2nd year I was dying to come back and praying and visualizing I was here, and here I am now, living my dream. Solo falta una cosa, mi amor. And I have faith he is coming. I have a very strong faith in god. I believe. I won't stop believing that he will be with me soon. And all our dreams will come true.

God Bless