Thursday, October 1, 2009

Photos of Portland - It is a beautiful city - and what I am Really thinking about

These are pictures of Downtown Portland on my way to take my yucky math entrance test at my new school.

I want to write a blog about how beautiful it is here. I want to write a blog about my day in Orientation for Film School. I want to write a blog about my beautiful babies.

Through out the day I wrote many great ideas and comments on paper of things to write about here in my blog... but right now at this moment all I can think about is me and e. E is my husband (in case this is your first time here) We have not been getting along well. Truth is we've been arguing. When I went back to Mexico for 2 months in the summer we bickered all the way through it. I know some of the reasons why:

-He's not working,
-He is stressed out when things are not stable and we were moving around constantly,
-He thought he was going to be legal now, and its all my fault he isn't
-I abandoned him and came back to the USA with both of our children

I usually want to blame everything on him. You see I think I have put E into this tiny little box. He is a little unsure of him self anyway. Somehow my personality over powers him and .... he just stays back and lets me push for the things I want. Sometimes he will actually let me get all excited and chase after something when the whole time he thinks it is not a good idea. And then later he will say, he didn't think it was a good idea. I often feel as if he is hiding himself from me.

He is reluctant to show me his opinions about things in the chance that I might disagree, and so it makes it so he doesn't want to give any opinions.

What I am trying to say is I always blame everything on him and I think I need to take responsibility. Don't I?

Here is what happened yesterday and you tell me how I could have handled this better. I should be like Jesus, I want to be like Jesus but when I am thrown in these circumstances I REACT!

I was doing the webcam with E and I asked him to talk to the kids and tell them a story about some of the things he had been doing that the children would enjoy. After a minute or so pause he said he couldn't think of anything. Then a little later I took the computer and webcam into the kids room for bedtime. I wanted E to be more involved and I felt very tired so I asked E to tell the kids a bedtime story, he just stared with a blank look, it was the same blank look that infuriates me when we are together, I could tell. The Deer in headlights I'm not going to do anything because she is making a demand look, Do you know that one? Or is this unique to me and E?

I sort of begged/demanded that he tell a story. Finally he tells the story of how that day he was out getting food for the goats (this weed that grows on the trees) and his brother Paco accidentally killed a wild rabbit.

I laughed and said, "That's not a bedtime story, just make one up if you don't know one". He just sat there silently. Then when he ignored me I got really angry and shut the computer and turned it off.

He apologized today but is obviously still mad and I guess I am being snappy with him, when I have to repeat things 4-5 times.

I love him so much and I really want things to go back to normal but it is jus so hard 3000 miles apart with no idea when we will see each other again.