Friday, September 7, 2018

Clipping coupons and trying to find myself

I'm sitting here lost from my life and finally, the kids are back in school and the house is quiet again.  My Mother in law was here for almost 2 months and though I adore her I just can't handle other peoples energy in my house.

I'm in my office, the little addition we did several years ago,  clipping coupons and trying to find myself.

Something happened to me a while back not sure when but it has to do with not releasing my feelings, not writing, not visiting with friends about my own issues and own life-- I was only helping people with their life. First I started to not feel when a sort of tragedy happened in the family. Then fast forward 3 months and everything makes me want to cry.  I may be depressed but now that the house is quiet I feel a little hope to find myself. I need solitude. I really need solitude and just cannot survive having people in my house if I am here 24/7.

As I'm clipping coupons this morning I played my 2016-2018 music list on Youtube and this song came on. I started to cry and FEEL SO MUCH.  I really like this song but now that I've seen the video I really love it.  Because it so accurately explains that feeling of falling in love.  Leon Bridges - Beyond.  OMG that look in his eyes in the first shot of Leon.   OMG it so completely captures that feeling of being scared to death to fall in love.

There are moments in that video that shows how we are when we dance alone together.

I'm taking a break from my Docu-series because it just wore me out.... working hard and not getting anywhere financially and putting all the pressure on my husband killing himself to support us. So now I am figuring out what I'm going to do and I think I'm finally going to write my memoir, but I need to figure out how to make some money as well.

I know that I lost myself. 

I don't flirt enough with him. I know that because I know the exact moment I last flirted with him.  We do IT often, but flirt and have fun, not that often -- is there something wrong with that?  Maybe there is.

The last time I flirted with E.  August 19, 2018

We were on the uphill last portion of our journey around the outer NE Portland Parkway bike trip  I was upset at him for some reason. I think because he was making it hard to enjoy the trip.  A few minutes before we were arguing because Jimi kept lagging behind and not checking in with us and Jimi is 12 years old now.  I thought we should just leave him until he finds us and Enrique thought we should wait. I sort of begged him to relax and also blurted out a truth I hadn't yet even formulated in my mind. "I hate my life!" I said that to him, way to butter him up.  I tried to explain it wasn't him. He was the only thing I loved about my life. Everything else can go fuck itself. I caught him off guard. We were headed uphill and he was mad but also worried and shocked. I was on the verge of tears, and some were already spilled in secret.  And I said, "I just want to have some fun." and something else that I can't remember what now...and in that moment I did a smiley flirty movement with my body. He looked at me differently for a second.

And now I've gone and got myself into an existential dilemma. I've spent years being chronically ill and TRYING TO BELIEVE that I can make a profitable business. Sometimes I'll be more productive but then I'll get really ill again. The point is my husband has had to work 6 days a week for most of the year just to keep groceries on the table and pay the bills. We get free school lunches for the kids and they get free health insurance but we pay for everything else and trying to give the kids a good life.  My point is I recognized years ago we do not do well if he's gone all the time. Then this summer with him gone all the time, his mother here, and the kids being the typical pain in the ass lazy kids - that I adore but need space from - I became depressed.  This solitude suits me. Thank you god.

Friday, April 27, 2018

Learn How these DNA tests work - Helix, Geno 2.0, and Insitome results ...

I did a DNA test for me and my husband and it was quite surprising, especially for my Husband.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Gut Health Test by Ubiome

Hello there - I still continue to have health problems. I get better for awhile and then worse.  Recently I did start doing the Boron supplement using Borax I know it sounds strange. I believe I have a candida infection in my body but that is my next question from this test.

This is a video of me explaining the ubiome test on gut health. It is pretty cool.

It appears that the embed video option isn't working right now - so I'll just post a link to it - This is me doing a screen grab video of my ubiome test -

Friday, August 11, 2017

Looking for new friends on an APP?

So I tried the "Bumble BFF" app and a few people that I chose, chose me over the period of several days it was only 2 people. And I started an awkward conversation to them only to get silence so I deleted the freakin app.

But today I had a very nice morning meeting with a new friend who I have a lot in common with but I'm just finding out that she is a Republican by looking at her twitter? How come everyone I meet is a republican but I'm a hard core liberal? Is it what we resist persists?

I just want to make friends with people who put human rights over money.  Is that so freakin hard? Apparently so.

And I really like her.

Look at this - OMG so I'm looking for another app and right in it the app, the makers are all in love with Trump OMG - so annoying. But the app looks cool let's see if it works for me, being that it appears biased republican.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Work smarter not harder! This is about juggling tasks, tracking time, writing your business plan, Amazon Book Marketing, andVideo Marketing

I've been wanting to write a blog about all these free and low-cost tools I've found to increase my productivity but haven't had time so I just typed out this email to a friend/colleague and decided to post this instead. If you are interested in any of these items you'll have to research them yourself but these items have made a huge difference in my life in the past month.

"Dear friend:

Thanks. Yes.  I really enjoyed our lunch or first visit, and we should totally do that again when you have free time.  I've always wanted to focus on my docu-series but I couldn't figure out how to get it to pay for itself. I started working with Liz back in 2014. I was even accepted into the long term  Portland State Business Development program a few months later but then I was just too ill to accept it.  Now for about a year, I'm better.  I started meeting with her again last fall when I had the Portland Video Memoir idea  in addition to my other 2 or 3 things. I was selling stock video footage, freelance film work, and Consciousness Continues and then Portland Video Memoir but everything was all concept and very little income except for friends I networked with who hired me. She helped me connect to all these different programs and classes. She got me signed up for these 2 (1 day) classes PCC (value of like $385). It was how to do a marketing plan and then online marketing. And then as time went by I knew in my heart I just wanted to work on Consciousness Continues but I was trying to figure out a way to fund it.  

I started my business plan about a month ago. I tried all these different resources that just did not fit with my brain. I tried the score free template, live plan, and then finally enloop. I love enloop. It automatically fills in portions of your business plan and updates automatically when you change figures.  It is 19.99/mo but I think it is worth it.  I got my money back from liveplan it was just like the fillable word docs to me. 

So Here I was doing the enloop plan and I was working on my marketing plan and thinking about how I didn't want to do Portland Video Memoir because it is all sales and no time for work.  And I looked up information about how to make money with my book. I had made about $400 without doing much advertising. And then I saw this post on Amazon forums about advertising. I saw one guy say that another successful writer and marketer says to advertise even if your cost of advertising is up to 100% of your sales because the Cost of advertising to sales figure shown only counts for copies sold and not kindle pages.  

Then I got thinking that I had already made a few hundred dollars from my short film with zero advertising. What would happen if I advertised? So then I researched what is the best way to advertise tv shows and found that pre-roll ads on youtube are inexpensive and very effective. I also did an Amazon Kindle Marketing ad that says "If you love the short film and docu-series, you are going to love the book" Funny thing is it hasn't sold many books but my viewership on the short film and episode 1 has tripled in just a few days.  So I did a marketing projection and I think if I continue putting out episodes every few months, and increase my advertising budget. Plus the $4000 from my IDA (this is a matched savings program in oregon) towards those expenses. I can actually create perpetual income for the future. I'm very excited. 

I also came across 2 other really useful tools in the past few weeks. Working at home has been hard to stay focused during summer time because my children are very distracting and I have several household tasks that have to be kept up on.  So I found this desktop app, it's a beta but it's called skedpal, it's free but has a learning curve with it that took me a few days.  What is really cool about this app is that it connects to your Google calendar and then you fill in tasks and prioritize them in skedpal and it fills in your time with projects budgeting what you should do when. When you miss something it automatically updates to what your current priorities are but only projects out 4 weeks because it is alive and changes as time goes to what your needs are. 

On top of that I started using this other program called toggl. Toggl tracks your time. So you fill in what you are working on and it is easy to use. You put who the client is as it tracks what you do. So then at the end of the week you can see what you are really spending your time on.  I find it very satisfying. Though it is really meant for desktop type stuff but I'm sure there is an app to use for non desktop stuff. 

In the past few weeks, I've increased my productivity a ton.  But Enloop business plan online program really helped kick start it. along with the skedpal.   

I love your suggestions too. I love sharing information and always enjoy your emails. 

Talk to you soon, let me know if you have time to plan a lunch or visit sometime. "

That's it. I know it's weird to read a random email but I don't have time to make an actual blog post. 

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Can you find a friend with an app? I'm going to try Bumble BFF

I was looking online the other day to find if there was an app for finding new friends. Since I wrote my wah wah post the other day listing how I have lost basically all my friends. I have tons of acquaintances but when working from home I just don't keep up friendships unless it's a really good friend.  And those friends just haven't worked out.

So I download the Bumble BFF app on my phone and filled in on all my deal breaker issues and benefits (that I'm an artist and I like deep conversations). Then I swiped my way through the list of women only looking for a Friend.  If there was no description I swiped left (which means no) because I can't pick a friend based on looks and if they had a description that seemed similar or atleast open minded I swiped right. I probably swiped right on about 20 people. and now 3 days later I hear nothing back. It could be because the free version you aren't notified if someone swiped you, you just have to happen to swipe right too. This is my first experience with this type of app. I missed the whole Tinder thing.  But we will see. I'll post when something happens.

Here's a link about the app - 

Sunday, July 30, 2017

My experience with a Naturopath. A year of feeling mostly better, but still a struggle.

Well I did get much much better after August 24, 2016 see this post where I honestly felt cured: .

Treating Vitamin D deficiency really helped, in fact, I'm still taking Vitamin D 3000mg per day.

By January 2017 I started to feel a little sick and fatigued again.

By March the random fatigue was getting stronger and I had been taking Metformin for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I had read that you can often have a Vitamin B12 deficiency with Metformin.  So I asked my endocrinologist and she said that only happens with years of taking Metformin. Before I got to that point I went to my primary internal medicine doctor and he said I wasn't getting more sick again, I was at my baseline. Boy that made me so mad. He was saying that I had been in remission during the time I felt better. Jerk.  But to humor me he got my Vitamin B12 level checked.  My Vitamin B12 levels ended up being just barely over the normal line. And my research found that many allopathic doctors go by a level of Vitamin B12 that is much lower than what your body really needs. I started taking Vitamin B12 in liquid form and felt better.

Because he is such an asshole I also made an appointment to see a naturopath doctor that was recommended to me.  But by the time I went to see her I was feeling fantastic again because I started on B12. Who knew B12 and Vitamin D were lifesavers? I think I had read here and there that B12 and D were important but I just never got the point that they are essential.

So I finally go to see the Naturopath a few months later and she started adding a bunch of supplements and saying I needed to get off my other medications yet at the same time she gave me like 10 new supplements. She was convinced I needed to get off my thyroid meds. Which I DID NOT DO. I'm not insane, jeez, I only have half a thyroid that stopped working in my 20's anyway.

After seeing her for about 4 weeks I started feeling sick again. I went into it trusting her but she ended up losing my confidence about 8 weeks in because it really felt like she just wanted me to buy supplements from her. She even told me I didn't need to take Vitamin D or Vitamin B12, based on her hunch, no blood tests, only her nutritional response testing which is pretty kooky and not scientific at all. She says it is elegant. WTF?

The initial estimate she gave me for treatment was that I would be paying $50 every 2 weeks, but she didn't include that at first she wanted me to come every week for about 6 weeks. Each week she wanted me to buy between $50 and $100 worth of vitamins. My credit card shot up maybe $600 or more. As she added more and more stuff I started feeling worse and until one day I just threw up. I had been trying to trust her advice but then when I spontaneously threw up I stopped trusting her.   Never in my life through 3 pregnancies have I ever had a weak stomach. With everything she was giving me I just started puking one day.  Her explanation was that my gallbladder was overwhelmed and cut my dosages in half. It did feel better again but I finally told her I couldn't see her anymore. I did continue taking a couple supplements she prescribed until they ran out, but not all of them.

After I stopped seeing her about 4 or 5 weeks ago I was doing fantastic. I started taking Braggs Apple Cider Vinegar everyday along with Vitmin B12, Vitamin D, Magnesium, probiotic, and the papaya enzymes. Plus my prescriptions - 4 things, Levothyroxine - thyroid, Aspirin to prevent stroke, and 2 blood pressure meds - Losartan and Spirolactone.

Then 2 days ago the merry go round started again high blood pressure, fatigue, everything all messed up again. It could be as simple of a cold virus but who knows.

Sometimes I lose hope that I can ever live a normal life again, of being a successful filmmaker.  I know that sounds melodramatic but this has  been going on for so long it started 2007.  As soon as I think I'm normal and capable again something hits me, and I'm bed ridden or feel like it takes too much energy to lift my arms and walk.

I hope maybe my journey can help you if you are having CFS too.

Episode 1 of my series is out on Amazon