I'm in my office, the little addition we did several years ago, clipping coupons and trying to find myself.
Something happened to me a while back not sure when but it has to do with not releasing my feelings, not writing, not visiting with friends about my own issues and own life-- I was only helping people with their life. First I started to not feel when a sort of tragedy happened in the family. Then fast forward 3 months and everything makes me want to cry. I may be depressed but now that the house is quiet I feel a little hope to find myself. I need solitude. I really need solitude and just cannot survive having people in my house if I am here 24/7.
As I'm clipping coupons this morning I played my 2016-2018 music list on Youtube and this song came on. I started to cry and FEEL SO MUCH. I really like this song but now that I've seen the video I really love it. Because it so accurately explains that feeling of falling in love. Leon Bridges - Beyond. OMG that look in his eyes in the first shot of Leon. OMG it so completely captures that feeling of being scared to death to fall in love.
There are moments in that video that shows how we are when we dance alone together.
I'm taking a break from my Docu-series because it just wore me out.... working hard and not getting anywhere financially and putting all the pressure on my husband killing himself to support us. So now I am figuring out what I'm going to do and I think I'm finally going to write my memoir, but I need to figure out how to make some money as well.
I know that I lost myself.
I don't flirt enough with him. I know that because I know the exact moment I last flirted with him. We do IT often, but flirt and have fun, not that often -- is there something wrong with that? Maybe there is.
The last time I flirted with E. August 19, 2018
We were on the uphill last portion of our journey around the outer NE Portland Parkway bike trip I was upset at him for some reason. I think because he was making it hard to enjoy the trip. A few minutes before we were arguing because Jimi kept lagging behind and not checking in with us and Jimi is 12 years old now. I thought we should just leave him until he finds us and Enrique thought we should wait. I sort of begged him to relax and also blurted out a truth I hadn't yet even formulated in my mind. "I hate my life!" I said that to him, way to butter him up. I tried to explain it wasn't him. He was the only thing I loved about my life. Everything else can go fuck itself. I caught him off guard. We were headed uphill and he was mad but also worried and shocked. I was on the verge of tears, and some were already spilled in secret. And I said, "I just want to have some fun." and something else that I can't remember what now...and in that moment I did a smiley flirty movement with my body. He looked at me differently for a second.
And now I've gone and got myself into an existential dilemma. I've spent years being chronically ill and TRYING TO BELIEVE that I can make a profitable business. Sometimes I'll be more productive but then I'll get really ill again. The point is my husband has had to work 6 days a week for most of the year just to keep groceries on the table and pay the bills. We get free school lunches for the kids and they get free health insurance but we pay for everything else and trying to give the kids a good life. My point is I recognized years ago we do not do well if he's gone all the time. Then this summer with him gone all the time, his mother here, and the kids being the typical pain in the ass lazy kids - that I adore but need space from - I became depressed. This solitude suits me. Thank you god.